Who ever said that time heals all wounds was wrong. My opinion, of course, but there it is. Have you ever experienced regret? Not just the ‘oh i regret having that 10th tequila shot’ regret, but the kind that you have tried to move past but deep in your soul feel like will always haunt you. Now here comes a spoiler- I have. Every day for the past 16 months I have. I’ve cried. I’ve been depressed. I’ve tried to drink it away. I’ve tried to ignore it. I’ve tried moving on by talking to/going out with other people. But I cannot get over the man who I honestly and completely feel like was my soul mate.
And man is it a loooooong story. I’ll call him K. Where to start? We knew each other in high school. Had classes together. We each dated other people, but we would catch up every now and then. There was always something there between us. I remember one time we both happened to be on a field trip to Disneyland with the school band. I was dating my long term high school boyfriend (bf), but he had something to do for a few hours, and it ended up that me and K (and a few of his guitar class friends) hung out. My high school bf relationship wasn’t very healthy (that’s another blog!), and when the time came for me to meet back up with my bf, I didn’t want to leave K. I was able to just relax and have a good time with him. Even then, when i was happy in my relationship, I felt drawn to K. Some time later, I temporarily broke up with high school bf, and me and K went on a date. We just drove around, listened to music, and talked, but it was pretty much one of the best dates I have ever been on. I ended up dating someone else, then went back to high school bf after we all graduated.
As a mentioned before, high school bf and I had a very unhealthy relationship and it only lasted like 8 months longer before I had finally had enough. And right away me and K reconnected. We started off as friends, but there was some very obvious physical chemistry between us, and soon we became official. If you could, I’d tell you to ask any of my family members about how we were at the beginning of our relationship- we couldn’t keep our hands off each other! Not exaggerating, I literally have never been happier in my life (at some point I’ll write a blog about my younger years). I fell fast and hard for K. I really think it was the first (and only) time I have experienced real love. I wanted to marry him, and have babies with him. The whole 9 yards.
So how did I get from this to my current heartbreak, you may ask? I did it to myself. I was young, only 19 years old. I literally jumped into a relationship with K days after ending things with high school boyfriend. Because of my previous relationship and my strained relationship with my mom growing up, I didn’t know how to open up and talk about things that were bothering me. I didn’t talk about things at all. I bottled them up until I would explode. Even stupid little things. I just didn’t know how to communicate… I moved in with K almost right away as well, I guess I should mention that. I was closer to his family than I was to my own. But I began to feel ignored and unwanted by K. We could be sitting next to each other for hours (him playing endless video games and me reading a book), but I felt like i was alone. I had gained some weight, so I was self conscious about that as well. We always talked about getting married, but I felt like his priorities weren’t right. He spent a good chunk of money on renting a duck blind for a season, and I got mad because I felt like he should buy me a ring instead. Yes, I know I was totally selfish and acting like a spoiled brat who wasn’t getting her way. Trust me, I’ve been able to reflect back on the things I did wrong, see and admit them. Anyway, I felt unwanted. And I began to look elsewhere for attention.
It’s hard to type, hard to admit still, but I ended up kissing someone else while I was still technically dating K. Biggest mistake of my life -more on that later… I panicked. I did’t want to hurt K like that, so I ended it right away with him. I ran away from the best thing I ever had in my life. I made some huge mistakes, but in retrospect, I don’t think any of K and my issues couldn’t have been talked through or fixed with some time. I hated myself for what I did.
I ended up in another very unhealthy relationship with the guy I had kissed, J we’ll call him. I felt like because I left something so great that I had to make it work with J. I tried to brainwash myself into believing I was happy, but I never was with him. It was a relationship of convenience. J was older than me by almost 8 years. He had a teenage son. I hoped I would be able to get what I wanted with a guy who was older and “more mature”. But all I got was depression. Somehow I dated this guy for 3 ½ years (compared to the 17 months I was with K). I was never, ever genuinely happy with J. I was living my life in a fog…
Once I finally was reaching my braking point with J, I began to think about K again. J had always been jealous of K and would bring him up alllll the time. I felt like i had to overcompensate to prove that I was over K because J was so insecure and untrusting of me. Back to K though. I began to think about him again, and I would sometimes check his Facebook page. I knew he had been dating a girl, Liz, for a few months though, so I didn’t end things with J. And then one day, out of the blue, I saw K’s Facebook status changed to single! I almost had a heart attack! So I was working myself up to ending things with J in hopes of being able to reconnect with K again. But before I got to it, within 2 weeks or so, K got back together with Liz. For about 3 months I was depressed again, and still reaching my breaking point with J.
Eventually I did end things with J. I had had enough, 100 times over. I never even cried over him or our breakup; all i felt was relief at finally being free of him. I drunk texted K one night, completely by accident. I didn’t mean to actually send the message, just type it out and then erase it… But, to my surprise, he responded. I was able to get out some of what I was thinking and feeling for him. I would never want to break up his relationship, but i needed to make him aware of what I was thinking.. It was good to talk to him, and I could tell he was surprised but happy to talk to me too. I didn’t get everything out that I wanted to, but i felt like he got a gist of how I was feeling.
He was still with Liz. She didn’t think it was appropriate for him to be friends with me (an ex) on Facebook, so K deleted me. He didn’t text me. 10 months later, I’ve had time to realize my mistakes. I grew up a lot, and matured, and worked on my issues.. I still wasn’t able to get over K. I tried dating a handful of guys, but no one compared. I haven’t been able to find that type of connection and attraction to anyone yet. And his birthday comes around, so I decide to just send him a quick, friendly text ‘happy birthday k.. hope all is well’ Just for my own sake. I don’t expect even a reply because I know (and respect the fact that) Liz doesn’t think it’s appropriate for him to talk to me. But he does. I sent him a text at 3 pm, and we ended up texting until 5:30 in the morning. He works the night shift, so I stayed up all night just to talk to him. He asked how I was doing with things, and I was completely honest that I was struggling still to get past my mistakes and regrets with him. I apologized again for leaving him, and how I felt I would honestly regret it for the rest of my life… I got out more of what I wanted to say and how I was really feeling than our prior conversation. It was soooo nice to be able to talk to him. It gave me hope, like I had hardly allowed myself to hope before.. He was very kind, even very complimentary of me, borderline flirty. At one point he even said that he wished I had come back years ago. But I wouldn’t have been ready then. He said that even though parts of him wanted to try again, he couldn’t give up what he had now (referring to his relationship wit Liz). I understood and respect that. I would never want to compromise his current happiness or relationship, even if it hurts me…
So this conversation was a little more than a month ago… I was hoping, but to expecting, him to text me on my birthday.. But he didn’t. I was bummed but I understood. I tried to take that as a sign to just really give up hope and let go. If it is meant to be, then it will work out. But i feel/felt like i couldn’t keep holding onto hope…. And for about 2 weeks I did. But here I am today, finding myself hoping again… I can’t move on. I honestly don’t want to. I want to think that there could be another chance in our future. This time, with both of us grown up and ready. Things would be sooo different if we had another chance. It could be our real chance. But he is still with Liz, and happy, for the moment. Who knows, she could be the one for him… I don’t know about their relationship.
It is just so hard. We were 20 years old when we broke up. Now we’re both 25. It had been 4 years and 3 months since K and I broke up. 16 months since my feelings have reemerged. And nothing has gotten easier. The pain never dissipates, I’ve just learned to deal with the pain of regret and heartache. I still cry about it. Not every night, like a year ago, but I still do. I’ve prayed to get over him. I’ve tried moving on. Tried convincing myself it wasn’t meant to be…. But I can’t let go and give up hope. Is it a sign that I haven’t been able to move on? Should I wait? I don’t know how to even begin to give up and move on.. I’ve told myself I could give it another year, to see where things are by then. I’ve done a lot of growing up and changing in the last year that i’ve been single, so maybe another year could do me more good. And who knows where things could be with Liz and K in a year. Either for good or bad (from my standpoint).
I just don’t know what to do. I’m confused. I know what I want. I know what I feel. But is it enough to hold onto hope?