It’s okay to feel sad

It’s normal to feel sad sometimes… Right?

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t feel sad. I have a great life. God has blessed me in so many ways, and I know He has something amazing in store for me. He knows my heart- He knows the things I want, and He wants me to have them. My life has taught me that everything really does happen for a reason. Everything works out how it’s supposed to.

But I can’t help but feel sad. I watched a couple shows today about people getting married.. And that’s something I want.. I’m ready for those things… I try and just remind myself that Gods time is perfect and these things will happen…

And I’ve been thinking about K today.. It always makes me sad thinking about him because I was so genuinely happy with him.. I miss having that kind of healthy relationship. I miss talking to him. I miss how comfortable I felt with him. Like we were right together… Maybe some of it is just being in a relationship altogether…. I miss being physically and emotionally close to someone like that. I miss the intimate companionship that relationships have… And I know I’d rather wait for the right guy than just settle to get in a relationship. But it’s still hard, and I’m still morose today..

My heart aches for it. When I finally do get my Mr Right, I know I’ll appreciate it so much more because ill know what it feels like to be without it… Does that make sense? To truly appreciate something you have to feel the weight of knowing what it’s like to be without it…

Idk if I’m making sense… Just needed to get my thoughts out…

~aly

It’s been a while…

since i’ve blogged!! 😛 a few things have happened, but i’ve been so busy i haven’t had a chance to get on here!

Firstly, this single girl went on a solo road trip to Disneyland!! One of my fave places to go. I LOVE Disney! It’s my Happy Place. It’s where I go to relax, refresh, and have some fun, even if I am by myself. And I had a great time… Until the drove home!! Long story short, my car broke down on the side of a busy freeway with a transmission sensor issue. And my car has pretty much been a POS lately, even though I bought it brand new… Which brings me to my next news…

NEW CAR! Woohoo! 😀 I found a good deal for this new car, and I’ve been wanting it for over a year… I definitely see God’s hand in this whole situation… My old car happened to break down a quarter mile from an exit with a mechanic, and they were completely awesome at helping me out! I know next to nothing about car troubles, so it was good to find an honest mechanic to help me… And it only took a small part to get me safely home, even if it took 5 hours to get the part and install it! And than with buying my new car, I got a killer deal. This sassy girl dug her feet in with what i wanted out of the deal, and I made those car dealership people bend over for me! I got everything I wanted out of the negotiation.. and for my ideal vehicle! And then today, I got it financed through a credit union for an exceptional interest rate, with a lower payment than the dealership offered… God had my back in every aspect of this!

Now, back to my regular blogging stuff…. I feel like I’ve had an overall good last two weeks. Of course the car breakdown stuff was stressful at the time, but it has turned into a blessing for sure.. And since i read “The Single Woman” by Mandy Hale, Ive felt more comfortable with being single. I’ve embraced this time in my life. I’ve realized more so that I would rather wait for Mr Right to join me on my journey than have to settle for Mr Whatever. And as for K…… I still have emotions there. I still have regrets, I still have love for him, I still wish things could have been different or be different, but I’ve accepted the way things are right now. He is happy with his girlfriend Liz. And I need to let go, for my own sake. And if he is ever single again, and if we cross paths, who knows? But until then, this is MY time. Time to focus on me, get to know myself, do whatever I want… I know whoever God has in mind for me will show up at the right time.

I’ll leave you guys with this.. Lyrics from “It’s Been a While” by Staind… Love this song.

And it’s been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it’s been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it’s been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it’s been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve stretched myself beyond my means

And it’s been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn’t addicted
And it’s been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it’s been awhile
Since I’ve gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it’s been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I’m with you

And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it’s been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it’s been awhile
Since I said I’m sorry
And it’s been awhile
Since I’ve seen the way the candles light your face
And it’s been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it’s me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it’s been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it’s been awhile
Since I said I’m sorry

Valentines Day for One

So, I’m sure you all know Valentines Day is just round the corner… If you have that someone special to share it with, I’m sure you’re excited. If you’re single, maybe not that much. Maybe you’re one of those people who hates Valentines Day…

It’s just another day of the year. A Hallmark Holiday to some. I’ve always liked Valentines Day; something about the romantic idea of a day to show your significant other how much you love them with cards and gifts and a nice dinner. But I’ve always tried to look at it as just another day to show your significant other that you love them. You should do that every day, not just because of some “holiday.”

Last year was my first single Valentines Day since I started dating. I was one of those grumpy Valentines Day singles last year, but this year is going to be something different! I work in the restaurant industry, so obviously Valentines Day dinner is going to be busy. Some people might not want to work it, but I actually requested it! It’s not like I have a boyfriend to go out with, or have to hurry home to… I’m looking forward to making sure the couples I get in my section have a great evening together. And making some money to save up for my cruise! 😛

But as for myself, I plan on celebrating Valentines Day anyway, single or not. Since I work on the 14th, I’m going to celebrate tomorrow night instead (the day before). I went out and bought some steaks, some potatoes to bake, some asparagus, and a bottle of my favorite champagne! Why shouldn’t I treat myself to a nice dinner? Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I can’t celebrate loving myself and my singleness. This is such a great time in my life, a time where I am focusing on myself, doing new adventurous things, and celebrating the journey I’m on right now. So there you have it!

Just because you are single doesn’t mean you still can’t enjoy Valentines Day. Treat yourself a little! Buy some flowers or chocolates. Or both! Treat yourself to a nice dinner. Spend the day doing something that makes you happy, like getting a massage or having a Disney movie marathon! Or hang out with a group of friends. Do whatever makes you happy! Embrace your life as it is, single or not, and enjoy the holiday dedicated to Love.

~Aly

Embracing ME

So about a week ago I started reading “The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass” by Mandy Hale… It is so inspiring! An easy read, and I’ve really noticed that I can relate to just about everything she says.. I haven’t finished reading it yet, but I’m embracing it.

I’m learning to embrace ME. Who I am. That it’s ok to be single. That my happiness shouldn’t be reliant on if I have a man, or depend on any one else’s opinions of me either. I know my worth. I know it’s ok to be single, and ok to be happy with it. I know I’d rather wait for the right one to come along and join me on my journey in life, someone to compliment me, rather than complete me, because I am complete. It’s ok to focus on me so that I  can figure out who I am, what my purpose in life it, and what my dreams are. And that I should chase my dreams…

I’m still figuring some of this stuff out. Like what my dreams are. What I want to do with my life. I’m 25, and still have no idea what I want to do for a career… I got my degree in photography, something I love doing as a hobby, but I don’t see myself doing it full time… And I guess it’s ok to not know right now. It’s ok to not know all the answers; I just need to have faith in God and know that He has a plan for me.

In other news, I’ve decided to start traveling, even if it’s alone! For a few weeks I’ve been kicking around the idea of going on a cruise. My mom’s extended side of the family (who I don’t really know) go on a group cruise every year. This year’s cruise is to the Bahamas, St Thomas, and St Maarten. I was dying to go, and tried talking my little sister or my mom and step dad to go with me.. But it happened that they can’t go.. So I faced this decision of stepping WAYYYYY out of my comfort zone and going alone with my mom’s extended family that I don’t know that well, or missing out on this amazing opportunity. At first I was really basing my decision on if I could get someone to go with me.. I almost got my mom and step dad to go, but then they backed out. After I found out they couldn’t go, I was so upset because I felt like that meant I couldn’t go.. And then I started reading “The Single Woman.” There was one section where she talked about moving outside your comfort zone and doing things you’ve always wanted to do, like traveling, and how she had a friend who recently went to Paris by herself. Through reading this book, I’ve begun to embrace being me, being single, doing the things I want to do, and not depend on anyone else for my happiness. Whether it’s a boyfriend or a family member, if I can’t find someone to do something with me, I am going to do it myself! I’ve already done solo trips to disneyland, and now I’m going out of the country for the first time on a 7 day cruise through the Bahamas! 😀 I am beyond excited… And a little nervous. But I know I will have my mom’s family there if I want to hang out with them, or I can meet new people. I can do whatever I want by myself but I’ll have them there to fall back on.

This is going to be one BIG adventure. And I am soooo excited! Even if I am going “alone”. I am about to have the best time of my life on this cruise in October!

~Aly

What I miss about being in a Relationship

*sigh* today has been a good day, but I feel like reflecting on some of the things I do miss about having a boyfriend/being in a relationship…

Let’s be honest here… One major thing is sex. The physical part as well as the intimacy part.. More than a year of just me, doesn’t always cut it… True enough, I do know myself well, what I like, what feels good, so there’s that… But I miss the interaction. How my heart races, the excitement and adrenaline coursing through my veins. Being seduced. Being touched in an intimate way. Being kissed. Having someone else make me melt and fall apart in the most delicious way… And making someone else feel that way as well. Feeling powerful as they melt at my touch, knowing they are enjoying what I do to them… And then falling sleep next to the person you care so much about…

I also miss the companionship. Having someone to do things with. A movie partner, a date buddy, or just someone to text. I don’t really have any close friends. If I want to do something, most of the time it’s by myself… It sucks sometimes. I hate feeling lonely… Who doesn’t? I do like some time to myself, but I feel alone 24/7. I don’t have anyone to do things with. I don’t have anyone to open up to, or who gets me, who understands what I’m feeling and going through… I guess that’s partly why I chose to start blogging. To get it all out. To see if anyone out there cares what I think and have to say.

Having someone compliment me. If I look cute, someone to boost my ego a bit. Compliments from my sisters or coworkers just isn’t the same… Someone to dress up for, for a date or whatever. Or dress up for in a sexy way. I miss feeling sexy and having someone to comment on it, notice it, appreciate it. Be excited by it.

I guess I just miss the overall fact of having someone to share my time, love and life with. Someone to open up to. To connect with on intellectual, physical, and spiritual levels.

There are positives and negatives about being single. I don’t mind it most if the time. I like most aspects (see my blog “the positives of being single”). But there are some sucky parts. Things you have to wait for until you find someone new… Guess I just have to brush it off for now and know that the right guy is out there, and I’ll get to know these things again one day… And boy will I be ready! I’ll appreciate them so much more because I’ll know what it feels like to be without them.

~Aly

So sure…

Today, I feel it. Deep inside, in my soul, in my heart. An assuredness within me. I feel it today.

My heart and soul feel it, but then I have the voice in my head shouting doubts. It doesn’t make sense to my logical brain. But to my illogical, fairytale believing heart, it’s crazy not to have faith in something I have felt for so long.

We only dated for 17 months. We both moved on after that, for 3 years.  And it’s been 16 months since my feelings reemerged. I never really think they went away, just that I suppressed them. My ex J was always jealous of K. Would always bring him up, always make comments to test me, to see if I would react, to see if I was over him… And so I had to over compensate to prove that K was in the past. Even though I always regretted how things ended with him. Even though I always wanted to defend him when J would say something. I had to brainwash myself that I was over K. And when I finally began to have enough and get fed up with J’s constant insecurities, manipulation, and controlling nature, that’s when I started thinking about K again…

My logical side says maybe it was just because I was so unhappy that I wanted to revert back to the last time I was really happy, which was when I was with K. Really, it was the only time I’ve ever been truly happy in a relationship.. My heart, though, says that it was true love. That he was my soul mate then, and could still be. We had such a connection. And instant, undeniable one. I felt it before we ever dated, back in high school. I felt it when I so easily (and swiftly) fell in love with him. I felt it in the way he was always in the back of my head, even when I dated someone else. I feel it in the regret throughout my body knowing that I wasn’t strong enough to work through my issues, to open up and communicate with him, so I ran away. I feel like I’ll go the rest of my life regretting my mistakes I made with him. I will always wonder what could have been if things had been different.

But for today, my heart is winning. I feel so sure, despite my brain telling me otherwise. Today I am sure… We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

~Aly

The Positives of Being Single

Well, this will be my list anyway.

Yesterday I was struggling a little bit. Every day is a struggle. Not to be single (I really don’t mind it), but being a happier, more positive person. So today (what’s left of it for me), I want to just jot down some of the positive things in my life that come from being single! 

Being able to do anything I want, whenever, wherever, without having to check with/get approval from anyone else. One of the best things about being an adult and single! There have been a few times where I have had a couple of days off in a row, some extra cash, and so I’ve just decided to get in my car and drive 7 hours to Disneyland for a me vacation! The first time I did this, it was completely spur of the moment- i got the idea on my way home from work at 10 pm and was packed and in my car driving to Anaheim by midnight. Best, most liberating, spontaneous experience of my life! I had never done anything like that, EVER. Got to go on whatever rides I wanted, ate whatever foods I craved, shopped for however long I felt like…. But yeah! This is just one example.. Another, going out to breakfast or lunch with my friends or sisters randomly. Send a text, I feel like XYZ for lunch, wanna join? And there ya go! It really is a great thing.

Sleeping! My room is my space. More bed space to stretch out. My choice of pillows. No loud snoring. No debate about who wants to stay up and finish this show, or who wants to go to bed early. I’m tired at 8:30, I go to sleep! I want to stay up late watching Girl Code, followed by the Notebook and Pride and Prejudice, no problem! Once I broke up with my last boyfriend and moved back home, I painted my room a lavender mauve and decked out my room girly! No boy to tell me he doesn’t want a purple room or hot pink throw pillows. Oh, and the closet! ALLLLLL mine!!! I hope I’m not coming off as snobby or selfish, but these are (in my opinion) nice changed from how I was used to things before… And if I am being selfish, well… If you can’t be selfish when you’re single, when can you be?!

Saving money. Maybe guys spend more when in relationships than women, but somehow I have been able to have a savings of extra cash (even with all my disneyland trips and groupon shopping sprees). First time in my life where I have a stash in case of emergency or just to do whatever I want with. I buy what food I want to eat or cook. I pay my bills (for the things I choose to have). And I’ve been able to help out family members who need to borrow a little bit to make ends meet with short term loans. Feels good to be able to help if anyone needs it… Sure, I do save a lot by living with my dad, but he leaves me alone and works a lot of opposing shifts from me, so it’s pretty much like living alone. But I guess that’s another positive- having supportive family members!

A few little things too.. Listening to whatever kind of music I want to in the car. I feel like rocking out to old school Nickelback, or want to go on a country music binge, I can.

Or if I feel like going out and getting my next tattoo, I can. I had an ex try and stop me from getting my second tattoo, saying if I got it, he would “be less physically attracted” to me. I got it anyway, and ended up braking up with him like 2-3 months after… I have 5 now. And I will be getting more. It’s a part of me. Something I like getting done and having. Don’t like what I got? Well it’s a good thing I didn’t get them for you then, isn’t it?

Another thing… Wearing whatever I feel like. If I want to wear sweat pants all day and put no makeup on, I do. If i want to go out of the house in yoga pants, I do. If I want to show some cleavage, no one can stop me! If I don’t want to get dolled up with my makeup and hair done, I’ll go run some quick errands without makeup and my unbrushed hair up in a sloppy bun. Or if I feel like getting all dolled up for no particular reason, I do it. Even if it’s just around the house… And I can wear lipstick!! I had exes who absolutely hated me wearing lipstick (because it got on them, boohoo). Once I broke up with my last ex, I started wearing red and bright pink lipstick a lot more! I like it, so I wear it. 

Hmm… That’s a pretty good list, right? I’m sure there are many more things I could list down, but I’m satisfied for tonight… 🙂 I’m going to go get some Chinese food!

~Aly

What makes you decide online dating is right for you??

I’m torn, in so many ways, but in this instance about online dating.

Maybe putting myself out there in a dating scene would help me get over my ex, K. Even though I’d like another chance, I’m not sure it’s in my cards…. And I don’t know how to move on and let go of my feelings for him.

I’ve talked to a few guys last year, all of whom I quickly realized were not the guy for me. I think that made me pull back again towards hanging onto K, because I know how good of a guy he was, how genuinely happy I was with him, and how good a relationship can/should be..

So is the best way to get over someone to “get under someone else” as the saying goes? Well… Maybe not get under them! But date… Is online dating a good way to meet good, genuine men?? Is that the right way to get over someone? I don’t know that I think it is, but how else can I move on? Maybe I need to be distracted by someone to “forget” about K.. But would that be just repressing my feelings, sweeping it all under the rug?

Ugh… Obviously I’m torn… Anyone have advice?? I could use a friendly word of advice right about now…

~Aly

and BOOM! biological clock starts ticking…

Me and a female coworker had a nice discussion today about it. Nice to know I’m not the only one having a quarter life crisis!

I’ve always known I want kids; I’ve always said I wanted to be done having kids by 30. Of course, I assumed I would be married (or at least engaged) by 25. And now that I am 25 (and single), I realize this ideal may not be very realistic. It may sound silly, but I the few months leading up to my 25th birthday, I totally began feeling my biological clock tick. And being single makes it harder. And knowing that if I hadn’t messed things up and left my ex K (see previous posts), I could have those things that I want oh so badly already. If this doesn’t count as a quarter life crisis, I don’t know what does!

Sure, I could have settled and had kids with my last ex, or could go out, meet a nice guy and settle to get a family started, but that’s not how I want it to be. As much as it may suck seeing people all around me (younger, my age, a few years older) having babies and getting married, I’d rather wait for the right guy and right situation to have kids in. I know, eventually, it will be my turn. And not to say that I’m not thrilled for my family members and friends who are having kids, because I absolutely am! But it doesn’t help the ping of sadness I feel…

I never realized what it felt like to have your biological clock tick. It’s just like, BOOM! You are forced to realize that you are at an age you though you would be in a position to have children, and depressing to admit you are no where near where you though you would be. Empty Womb Syndrome! Ahh!

End rant. Sorry if I seem a little scatter brained today…

~Aly