So sure…

Today, I feel it. Deep inside, in my soul, in my heart. An assuredness within me. I feel it today.

My heart and soul feel it, but then I have the voice in my head shouting doubts. It doesn’t make sense to my logical brain. But to my illogical, fairytale believing heart, it’s crazy not to have faith in something I have felt for so long.

We only dated for 17 months. We both moved on after that, for 3 years.  And it’s been 16 months since my feelings reemerged. I never really think they went away, just that I suppressed them. My ex J was always jealous of K. Would always bring him up, always make comments to test me, to see if I would react, to see if I was over him… And so I had to over compensate to prove that K was in the past. Even though I always regretted how things ended with him. Even though I always wanted to defend him when J would say something. I had to brainwash myself that I was over K. And when I finally began to have enough and get fed up with J’s constant insecurities, manipulation, and controlling nature, that’s when I started thinking about K again…

My logical side says maybe it was just because I was so unhappy that I wanted to revert back to the last time I was really happy, which was when I was with K. Really, it was the only time I’ve ever been truly happy in a relationship.. My heart, though, says that it was true love. That he was my soul mate then, and could still be. We had such a connection. And instant, undeniable one. I felt it before we ever dated, back in high school. I felt it when I so easily (and swiftly) fell in love with him. I felt it in the way he was always in the back of my head, even when I dated someone else. I feel it in the regret throughout my body knowing that I wasn’t strong enough to work through my issues, to open up and communicate with him, so I ran away. I feel like I’ll go the rest of my life regretting my mistakes I made with him. I will always wonder what could have been if things had been different.

But for today, my heart is winning. I feel so sure, despite my brain telling me otherwise. Today I am sure… We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

~Aly

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