Spoiling myself

Sometimes the littlest things can have such a big impact on your life. Sometimes all you need is to treat yourself to a little You Time. Funny how a small change can have such a large impact… Since becoming single, well really since the start of the new year, I’ve been trying to focus on Me and doing little things that boost my self esteem and happiness…

Just little things like getting my nails done. Making an effort to be social. Getting my hair done. Small little things, but it makes me feel great about myself. If you feel pretty, it can change the negative self image you may have about yourself.. It can make a positive impact in your life….

Even if you are tight on money, $20 a month for a pedicure is a small price to pay for helping to feel better about yourself… Cook yourself a nice dinner to celebrate You. Buy yourself a new outfit. Treat yourself every now and then. It’s healthy…

~aly. 😉

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I guess it’s that time…

The last few days I’ve been super emotional over everything. It’s kind of funny, in retrospect, but not necessarily at the time… 😛

Every once in a while, everything kind of bubbles up and I cry over the littlest things.. And I guess it’s just that time right now! I watched Frozen for the first time the other night, and I totally teared up during a lot of the songs and sweet parts of the movies… I’m a HUGE Disney fan, fyi.. The relationship between the two sisters, Elsa and Anna, just was real touching.. And I loved their sassiness!!

Another thing was that I cried reading the ending to a book series.. Like I had to keep stopping to blow my nose and wait so I could see again from all the tears.. Just something about the love story in this book really got to me, and then the ending, one of them died.. It has nothing to do with my relationship with K, my ex from 4 years ago who I still have feelings for, but all I could think about when finishing this book, and the tragic way their love story concluded, he was all I could think about. They’ve gotten less and less frequent, but I still do have my breakdowns over him. I guess this book was just the trigger this time… But I ended up crying myself to sleep, thinking about the book and K…

I guess I can’t be strong and keep everything inside all the time. Even though I have this blog to vent my life to, I guess sometimes I just need to physically release these things…

Hmm.. Well I guess I’m done for now… Short and sweet!

~Aly.

Unsure

I can’t help but think of my ex K, who I still feel like i have feelings for. Its been a year and a half or so since I first started thinking about him again. At the time, I was still in a relationship, albeit a very unhealthy and unhappy one with J. And now it’s been 14 months since I’ve been single again. And I can’t stop myself from thinking about him every day. Like it or not. Just little things will remind me of him, or I’ll think about if he is at work today, or what i’d do if I saw him randomly…

The first 10 months or so of feeling these things I felt so sure that I still loved him and that he had been my soul mate. And that things could still work out for us one day… And maybe it’s been the time, but I don’t feel as absolutely sure as I did then… Maybe I’m realizing that it would be impossible. But deep down, I still feel like i can’t let go of him and hopes that one day maybe things could be different. Better than last time. Maybe that wasn’t “our time.” Honestly, I don’t think I want to let go, even though at times I wish i could, or would… But I really do still feel something… It isn’t going away, although my certainty about it is getting more clouded. Maybe the more time that passes, the more I am starting to doubt myself, doubt that there is anything still there, doubt that it could maybe work out some day…

I am so unsure now. I feel like the progress I’ve made is being taken back, because I am not sure about anything now… The news of my ex J knocking up some chick after a couple months still has me a little rattled. I think I’ve mostly accepted it, and realized why I was feeling the things I was feeling. I’ve let go of the hurt I was feeling about that situation… He is no longer a part of my life, for very good reasons, and it should not affect my life. Just because I don’t have those things yet doesn’t mean I never will…. And I know that when I do find someone, it’s going to be a good man because I’ve learned that I can’t settle anymore for less than I deserve. And it’ll be worth the wait…

But as for K, I’m just not as sure anymore… I try to let go. I try to move on. But I can’t, and I don’t fully understand why… There was something really special there, and if I don’t feel something that strong with someone else, it just points me back to him.. Does that make sense? But I don’t even really know where he stands. He does still have a girlfriend, of 2 years. I’ve only talked to him twice since everything’s come back up for me… But those two times, I felt like there was still something. Just the way he was talking/texting.. It was like no time had passed. We went right back to talking like we used to. Even through text he could tell how I was feeling, that something was bothering me… And the second time, he even asked how I was really doing with everything (meaning how i was dealing with my feelings of guilt and stuff toward him)… Idk… I just don’t know anymore!!!! I go back and forth multiple times a day… I’m tired….

If it can’t be him, my K, why can’t I just meet someone else already?! I ask God this all the time… Just please, God, if I’m not meant to be with K, please just let me find the guy I am supposed to be with… I need to feel loved. I need attention. I need that intimacy… I’m tired of being strong and single and alone all the time and pretending like it doesn’t always get to me sometimes. I have everyone around me saying, “Oh I can’t believe you are still single! All these guys must be crazy… You’ll find someone soon…” I wish people would stop bringing it up!!! It just makes me more mad at myself for giving up on K when we were together. Even though I wasn’t as emotionally healthy and wasn’t able to talk about my feelings… It wouldn’t have worked when I was like that, but now I am so different…… Better…

Ugh. I feel like I’m just angry, emotionally rambling now… I guess I’ll go.. It’s hard to be unsure about things in life.. It definitely wears on you….

~Aly.

Insomnia

So… I can’t sleep. Even though I’ve been up since 5:30 am for work… And I’m bored, and not tired at all, and so here I am!

Even if I am just talking to myself on here.. I feel like I have no one i can really text or talk to when I’m bored at home.. Which in turn just makes me feel lonely…

I don’t really have any close friends anymore… Life has kind of moved us in different directions… Different phases of our lives… My closest friend is my big sister but I don’t always feel like I can talk to her.. I know I can tell her anything, but she’s busy with her kids.. It’s not like I can just text here for an hour to talk all the time. I’m glad I have her though..

I miss having someone to talk to.. Like an intimate person. A close friend who I can talk to for any reason at any time. I miss feeling close to someone like how you do in a relationship… Today was a goo day though. I haven’t felt sad or anything all day.. Even now, feeling lonely and bored but not sad about the fact that I’m alone/single. That’s progress, right?!

At least blogging seems to help.. It feels like talking to someone. I can open up about whatever is on my mind and what I’m feeling in my heart. I’m sure a few people read my blogs, but even if no one did, I would still do it. It’s kind of like my own form of self therapy… No shrinks for me! I usually am pretty good at working/talking myself through things…

Wow this has been a random blog… I guess I’m guna go watch a movie until I can fall asleep… Night! 🙂

~Aly.

It’s Me, Not the Situation

So my last two (i think) blogs have mentioned my current emotional crisis about my ex J having another baby. And my confusion about all the mix of emotions I’ve been feeling since finding out this information…. And then yesterday, I found out some great news that a very close family member is pregnant! And as excited and happy I am about this new revelation, I found myself still overwhelmed by a mix of emotions…

I got in my car and cried all the way home, cried during a hot bath, cried before I fell asleep… And I hate that I feel a little sad about it. Literally I was praying to God to take this pain I was feeling because I didn’t want to feel sad finding out such wonderful news! I am happy for them, and happy that a new little baby is going to be a part of my family.. I asked myself why this news, which is so great, upset me just as much as the shock of finding out my ex knocked his manager up after a few months of us being broken up…. And I can only think that it’s me, not the situation, that I am struggling with.

With my ex, I think part of it was shock at finding out that not only was he dating someone new, but she was around 7-8 months pregnant. Part of it is because NONE of my coworker “friends” who work with my ex still, never told me, even though I’ve talked to some of them and hung out with some of them since this happened.. No one mentioned it. And I feel stupid for not knowing and finding out the fact almost at the end of the pregnancy!

But mostly, I think what bothered me the most was the fact that within a year he found someone and is having another baby, and I’m not. Jealousy I guess you would say… Even though I’ve heard he isn’t happy with the girl, and seems to regret the fact that he’s having a baby boy with her. I keep trying to remind myself that I know my worth, and I’m not going to settle for the first person who shows up. I know that I am trying to do things the right way, and that it will be sooooo worth it when I have these things… But I’m still sad and hurt… I can’t help it. Because I haven’t found anyone in this last year of being single. I haven’t gotten (as far as I can see) any closer to getting the man and life I want. And then there is him, even if he isn’t the happiest about his situation, who is getting those things. So I think that’s some of it….

But with my family member, I don’t think it’s jealousy.. Or sadness that they’re having another baby.. But just the fact that I have another reminder around me of my singleness.. Does that make sense? I’m completely happy about the situation, but for my own selfish reasons, I feel this aching, hollow feeling that I am not getting these things yet. Separate from the fact that she is having a baby.. But brought about by finding out. I feel like I’m not making sense…

It’s just that every where I look, I hear and see about people I know having babies and being pregnant. All over my Facebook, within my close family, my ex, my ex’s 2 sisters, my 3-years-younger-than-me cousin, friends from high school expecting their 2nd or 3rd baby… Everywhere! I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like at 25, I should be further along than where I really am.

I am trying to be okay with being single. And for the most part I am. But being alone and lonely is my biggest struggle right now… And then I find all this stuff out. And I feel like I’ve been slapped by Life. I feel like the Universe is poking at my deepest, darkest wounds with a sharp stick. Kicking me back down when I’m trying to get back up. Here I am, wanting nothing more than to finally find the right guy, the One who I am going to be happy with and share the rest of my life with, and within the last 13 months, haven’t found anyone yet while everyone around me is moving forward in their lives. I feel like I’m not moving forward.

I guess there isn’t really anything I can do to feel better about it though… I obviously have to accept the situation with my ex. I have my family member’s baby to look forward to. But nothing can really take away the feelings I have… It’s something I guess I’ll just have to work on myself, since I am the problem here… Idk…

Sorry I’m so scatter-brained today… I’ve been a rough couple days…

~Aly

Torture

Why do we torture ourselves? You know what I’m talking about… Doing something that causes you pain, even though you know you shouldn’t. But you do it anyway. Even though you know it’ll hurt you (physically, mentally, emotionally). You do it anyway… I do it anyway. Even though I know these things aren’t necessarily healthy for me. Even though I know it might make me sad, or mad, or depressed. It’s like an uncontrollable urge. It’s (dare I say) an addiction almost. A bad habit I can’t break. Honestly, I don’t know if i even want to, although I know I should.

What i’m talking about is different to everyone. Some things more harmful than others. Some less so… Maybe for you it’s substances. Or self mutilation. Or something like OCD cleaning. Or maybe it’s something more similar to me, cyber stalking an ex on social media.

My last blog I mentioned that my last ex, J, I just found out not only has a girlfriend, but she is in her last trimester of her pregnancy. I don’t know much else about the details… He is very reclusive on FB. Never posts or updates.. But since I found out 2 days ago about this, I’ve been trying to find more information…. This case with this ex isn’t my main self-inflicted torture I had in mind when I started to type this blog, but i feel it’s relevant because I have been searching through his FB, his family members FB, trying to find out more information about this chick and the pregnancy. I’m still confused on how I feel about the whole situation…. I’m still trying to figure it out. It does bug me. It does hurt a little, especially since he said when i was breaking up with him that if it couldn’t be me, he was done trying to find anyone. As he was saying it at the time, I knew it to be a manipulation to try and get me to stay in our very unhealthy, unhappy relationship. And it’s not like I would want him back. At all! Because that is absolutely not the case. I also think that part of it is that none of my old coworker “friends” (who still work with him) even mentioned the fact that he started dating his manager, nor the fact that she got pregnant in like 3 months. I had to find out months later! I feel a little betrayed that obviously these “friends” didn’t say anything to me! And i feel a little stupid.. I get a few minuscule clues that he was dating someone right after we broke up last year. And I saw a few teeny tiny things that made me suspect that he was having another baby, but I also knew both of his sisters are expecting baby boys as well, so I kind of blew it off…. Ugh.. Enough about this. (For this blog). Moving on!!!

So my real self torture is my ex K. The one I’m almost always mentioning in my blog posts… The one guy I’ve ever really loved. The One that could have possibly been the closest thing to a soul mate I’ve ever experienced. The one I wish I could fix things with, but can’t. He’s moved on and happily in a relationship of almost 2 years. Yada Yada. Sorry if I’m being repetitive… But anyway… Even though I know he is happy in his relationship, and even though we aren’t even friends on FB, I still always check his public info on his page. Just to see if anything has changed. To see any pics of them that he forgot to make public. To see if his relationship status has changed from ‘in a relationship.’ It’s compulsive to check. Dare I even admit it aloud? I check it almost daily. Ever other day at minimum. I can’t help it. I need to see if anything has changed…. Any hint of a change in their relationship…. Hoping to see a ‘Single’ relationship status, cringing to see an ‘engaged’ there. Even though I feel like I have made huge strides in letting go from him, and not holding onto hope, I still do this. It hurts to see the pics. It hurts to see the relationship status… But it’s like if anything changes, I want to be the first to know… He is still friends with a lot of my friends, and with my family members. So I don’t want someone else to see a major FB change on his page and have to tell me… Does that make sense? Or just sound crazy? I feel kinda crazy typing this all out….

It’s torturous. We all have the one thing we do that isn’t good for us, that we shouldn’t do, but that we do anyway… And there’s mine. Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we don’t want it to change. Maybe one day I will…. But maybe one day I will see that FB relationship status change. And when it does, either way, things will change out of this repetitious cycle I’ve drawn myself into…

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see….

~Aly

How would You feel?

Ok, so i got some news today while hanging out with an old coworker friend… She still works with my ex, J, and mentioned that he not only has a girlfriend, but she is pregnant. Pregnant enough to know that they’re expecting a boy… so at least 6-7 months. and we only broke up a year ago. He only met her no more than 9-10 months ago… And my friend who told me said that he didn’t seem happy, like he didn’t want the baby, and that he didn’t seem happy with the girl. Like he didn’t want to be with her very much. Tired of her already or something…

Idk. It’s just weird to me. I feel a mix of emotions about it… About 5 months ago he started texting me and being flirty and hinting that he wanted to hook up and stuff.. But obviously his new girlfriend was pregnant by then, or at least he was talking to/dating/hooking up with her at that point. And it’s not like I wanted to have kids with him… Our relationship was very unhealthy. He was controlling and manipulative and suspicious for no reason.. I was never happy, even though we dated 3 ½ years, my longest relationship. I could never be myself with him. I was a shell of the person I was before, a ghost compared to who I have become since….

But still… Idk what to feel or think about it… I obviously want more than anything to find my partner in life and start a family. And now I’m seeing him have his 2nd son. Even though I don’t want to be with him, the last thing he said to me was that he didn’t want to date anyone else. If it couldn’t be me, he didn’t want to search for anyone else… Even as he was saying it, I knew it to be another game, another form of manipulating me into staying. Needless to say, it didn’t work. But still. A guy says things to you, part of you wants to believe it. It’s flattering, I guess. Made me feel a little better about myself. And then he goes and finds someone else within 2-3 months, and knocks her up within 2 more months….

Part of me is glad I dodged that bullet. Im so thankful I never had a kid with him, and have to deal with him for the rest of my life… And I guess a part of me is a little jealous that he is having another baby, something I can’t wait for in my own life. And then there is a part of me that thinks the whole thing is karma! Payback bitch.. that’s what you get for being a dog, trying to hook up with me when u were already with her! that’s what you get for not being “safe” or smart about hooking up with someone. Childish as it sounds, I kind of feel glad that he is in a not-so-great situation. But maybe a little jealous. Maybe a little sad. Idk what I feel or should think…

And mostly I’m glad it’s not K who is having a baby.. Even though I’m not as sure as I was a few months ago about K, I still care more about him than I did for J. I don’t know what I would do if K and his gf were having a baby. I don’t know how I would accept it and cope… It would be 1000x worse.. Because I do still wish things could change and we could still maybe possibly have another chance in the future.. I don’t know if that’s how God has it planned for me, but its still what I hope for deep down..

What would you think?

~Aly

Are you out there?

Are You out there? Are You looking for me? Are You hoping for me? I hope you are out there. I hope you are as eager as I am.

Do You feel lonely, like I do? Do You feel sad, like I do? Are You working toward your goals in life that you want to accomplish before we meet, like I am? Do You pray to God about meeting me one day soon, like I do?

Are You someone I’ve met before? Or are You someone new? The thought scares me, if you are a complete stranger. So much more work. So much to open up about. So much to risk. How will I know You when I see you? Will You know me?

What if we pass right by each other? What if we never meet? I can’t stand the thought. You have to be out there. I need you. I want you. You’re supposed to my soul mate.

I don’t even know who You are or who You might be… Well… I thought I did. But I’m not sure anymore. It’s been so long since K. A part of me still holds onto hope that it could be you, K, but I’m not as sure as I was 3 months ago… Maybe You are someone new. Maybe a fresh start is what God knows I need…

I hope you’re out there…. I hope we can meet soon…

~Aly