How would You feel?

Ok, so i got some news today while hanging out with an old coworker friend… She still works with my ex, J, and mentioned that he not only has a girlfriend, but she is pregnant. Pregnant enough to know that they’re expecting a boy… so at least 6-7 months. and we only broke up a year ago. He only met her no more than 9-10 months ago… And my friend who told me said that he didn’t seem happy, like he didn’t want the baby, and that he didn’t seem happy with the girl. Like he didn’t want to be with her very much. Tired of her already or something…

Idk. It’s just weird to me. I feel a mix of emotions about it… About 5 months ago he started texting me and being flirty and hinting that he wanted to hook up and stuff.. But obviously his new girlfriend was pregnant by then, or at least he was talking to/dating/hooking up with her at that point. And it’s not like I wanted to have kids with him… Our relationship was very unhealthy. He was controlling and manipulative and suspicious for no reason.. I was never happy, even though we dated 3 ½ years, my longest relationship. I could never be myself with him. I was a shell of the person I was before, a ghost compared to who I have become since….

But still… Idk what to feel or think about it… I obviously want more than anything to find my partner in life and start a family. And now I’m seeing him have his 2nd son. Even though I don’t want to be with him, the last thing he said to me was that he didn’t want to date anyone else. If it couldn’t be me, he didn’t want to search for anyone else… Even as he was saying it, I knew it to be another game, another form of manipulating me into staying. Needless to say, it didn’t work. But still. A guy says things to you, part of you wants to believe it. It’s flattering, I guess. Made me feel a little better about myself. And then he goes and finds someone else within 2-3 months, and knocks her up within 2 more months….

Part of me is glad I dodged that bullet. Im so thankful I never had a kid with him, and have to deal with him for the rest of my life… And I guess a part of me is a little jealous that he is having another baby, something I can’t wait for in my own life. And then there is a part of me that thinks the whole thing is karma! Payback bitch.. that’s what you get for being a dog, trying to hook up with me when u were already with her! that’s what you get for not being “safe” or smart about hooking up with someone. Childish as it sounds, I kind of feel glad that he is in a not-so-great situation. But maybe a little jealous. Maybe a little sad. Idk what I feel or should think…

And mostly I’m glad it’s not K who is having a baby.. Even though I’m not as sure as I was a few months ago about K, I still care more about him than I did for J. I don’t know what I would do if K and his gf were having a baby. I don’t know how I would accept it and cope… It would be 1000x worse.. Because I do still wish things could change and we could still maybe possibly have another chance in the future.. I don’t know if that’s how God has it planned for me, but its still what I hope for deep down..

What would you think?

~Aly

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