Torture

Why do we torture ourselves? You know what I’m talking about… Doing something that causes you pain, even though you know you shouldn’t. But you do it anyway. Even though you know it’ll hurt you (physically, mentally, emotionally). You do it anyway… I do it anyway. Even though I know these things aren’t necessarily healthy for me. Even though I know it might make me sad, or mad, or depressed. It’s like an uncontrollable urge. It’s (dare I say) an addiction almost. A bad habit I can’t break. Honestly, I don’t know if i even want to, although I know I should.

What i’m talking about is different to everyone. Some things more harmful than others. Some less so… Maybe for you it’s substances. Or self mutilation. Or something like OCD cleaning. Or maybe it’s something more similar to me, cyber stalking an ex on social media.

My last blog I mentioned that my last ex, J, I just found out not only has a girlfriend, but she is in her last trimester of her pregnancy. I don’t know much else about the details… He is very reclusive on FB. Never posts or updates.. But since I found out 2 days ago about this, I’ve been trying to find more information…. This case with this ex isn’t my main self-inflicted torture I had in mind when I started to type this blog, but i feel it’s relevant because I have been searching through his FB, his family members FB, trying to find out more information about this chick and the pregnancy. I’m still confused on how I feel about the whole situation…. I’m still trying to figure it out. It does bug me. It does hurt a little, especially since he said when i was breaking up with him that if it couldn’t be me, he was done trying to find anyone. As he was saying it at the time, I knew it to be a manipulation to try and get me to stay in our very unhealthy, unhappy relationship. And it’s not like I would want him back. At all! Because that is absolutely not the case. I also think that part of it is that none of my old coworker “friends” (who still work with him) even mentioned the fact that he started dating his manager, nor the fact that she got pregnant in like 3 months. I had to find out months later! I feel a little betrayed that obviously these “friends” didn’t say anything to me! And i feel a little stupid.. I get a few minuscule clues that he was dating someone right after we broke up last year. And I saw a few teeny tiny things that made me suspect that he was having another baby, but I also knew both of his sisters are expecting baby boys as well, so I kind of blew it off…. Ugh.. Enough about this. (For this blog). Moving on!!!

So my real self torture is my ex K. The one I’m almost always mentioning in my blog posts… The one guy I’ve ever really loved. The One that could have possibly been the closest thing to a soul mate I’ve ever experienced. The one I wish I could fix things with, but can’t. He’s moved on and happily in a relationship of almost 2 years. Yada Yada. Sorry if I’m being repetitive… But anyway… Even though I know he is happy in his relationship, and even though we aren’t even friends on FB, I still always check his public info on his page. Just to see if anything has changed. To see any pics of them that he forgot to make public. To see if his relationship status has changed from ‘in a relationship.’ It’s compulsive to check. Dare I even admit it aloud? I check it almost daily. Ever other day at minimum. I can’t help it. I need to see if anything has changed…. Any hint of a change in their relationship…. Hoping to see a ‘Single’ relationship status, cringing to see an ‘engaged’ there. Even though I feel like I have made huge strides in letting go from him, and not holding onto hope, I still do this. It hurts to see the pics. It hurts to see the relationship status… But it’s like if anything changes, I want to be the first to know… He is still friends with a lot of my friends, and with my family members. So I don’t want someone else to see a major FB change on his page and have to tell me… Does that make sense? Or just sound crazy? I feel kinda crazy typing this all out….

It’s torturous. We all have the one thing we do that isn’t good for us, that we shouldn’t do, but that we do anyway… And there’s mine. Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we don’t want it to change. Maybe one day I will…. But maybe one day I will see that FB relationship status change. And when it does, either way, things will change out of this repetitious cycle I’ve drawn myself into…

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see….

~Aly

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