It’s Me, Not the Situation

So my last two (i think) blogs have mentioned my current emotional crisis about my ex J having another baby. And my confusion about all the mix of emotions I’ve been feeling since finding out this information…. And then yesterday, I found out some great news that a very close family member is pregnant! And as excited and happy I am about this new revelation, I found myself still overwhelmed by a mix of emotions…

I got in my car and cried all the way home, cried during a hot bath, cried before I fell asleep… And I hate that I feel a little sad about it. Literally I was praying to God to take this pain I was feeling because I didn’t want to feel sad finding out such wonderful news! I am happy for them, and happy that a new little baby is going to be a part of my family.. I asked myself why this news, which is so great, upset me just as much as the shock of finding out my ex knocked his manager up after a few months of us being broken up…. And I can only think that it’s me, not the situation, that I am struggling with.

With my ex, I think part of it was shock at finding out that not only was he dating someone new, but she was around 7-8 months pregnant. Part of it is because NONE of my coworker “friends” who work with my ex still, never told me, even though I’ve talked to some of them and hung out with some of them since this happened.. No one mentioned it. And I feel stupid for not knowing and finding out the fact almost at the end of the pregnancy!

But mostly, I think what bothered me the most was the fact that within a year he found someone and is having another baby, and I’m not. Jealousy I guess you would say… Even though I’ve heard he isn’t happy with the girl, and seems to regret the fact that he’s having a baby boy with her. I keep trying to remind myself that I know my worth, and I’m not going to settle for the first person who shows up. I know that I am trying to do things the right way, and that it will be sooooo worth it when I have these things… But I’m still sad and hurt… I can’t help it. Because I haven’t found anyone in this last year of being single. I haven’t gotten (as far as I can see) any closer to getting the man and life I want. And then there is him, even if he isn’t the happiest about his situation, who is getting those things. So I think that’s some of it….

But with my family member, I don’t think it’s jealousy.. Or sadness that they’re having another baby.. But just the fact that I have another reminder around me of my singleness.. Does that make sense? I’m completely happy about the situation, but for my own selfish reasons, I feel this aching, hollow feeling that I am not getting these things yet. Separate from the fact that she is having a baby.. But brought about by finding out. I feel like I’m not making sense…

It’s just that every where I look, I hear and see about people I know having babies and being pregnant. All over my Facebook, within my close family, my ex, my ex’s 2 sisters, my 3-years-younger-than-me cousin, friends from high school expecting their 2nd or 3rd baby… Everywhere! I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like at 25, I should be further along than where I really am.

I am trying to be okay with being single. And for the most part I am. But being alone and lonely is my biggest struggle right now… And then I find all this stuff out. And I feel like I’ve been slapped by Life. I feel like the Universe is poking at my deepest, darkest wounds with a sharp stick. Kicking me back down when I’m trying to get back up. Here I am, wanting nothing more than to finally find the right guy, the One who I am going to be happy with and share the rest of my life with, and within the last 13 months, haven’t found anyone yet while everyone around me is moving forward in their lives. I feel like I’m not moving forward.

I guess there isn’t really anything I can do to feel better about it though… I obviously have to accept the situation with my ex. I have my family member’s baby to look forward to. But nothing can really take away the feelings I have… It’s something I guess I’ll just have to work on myself, since I am the problem here… Idk…

Sorry I’m so scatter-brained today… I’ve been a rough couple days…


5 thoughts on “It’s Me, Not the Situation

  1. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time emotionally. I don’t know if it’s any consolation, but there’s really not a single timeline that everybody follows in life. I didn’t even date anybody until I was 24. I married at 29 and am expecting my first child at 32. Life hasn’t always been what I expected it to be, but there have been a lot of good things that have come from unexpected places. I know it can be hard seeing everybody you know pass milestones before you, but 25 is still very young (wow, did I just say that?). I know quite a few people who aren’t following the typical / traditional timeline when it comes to relationships and family.

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