Unsure

I can’t help but think of my ex K, who I still feel like i have feelings for. Its been a year and a half or so since I first started thinking about him again. At the time, I was still in a relationship, albeit a very unhealthy and unhappy one with J. And now it’s been 14 months since I’ve been single again. And I can’t stop myself from thinking about him every day. Like it or not. Just little things will remind me of him, or I’ll think about if he is at work today, or what i’d do if I saw him randomly…

The first 10 months or so of feeling these things I felt so sure that I still loved him and that he had been my soul mate. And that things could still work out for us one day… And maybe it’s been the time, but I don’t feel as absolutely sure as I did then… Maybe I’m realizing that it would be impossible. But deep down, I still feel like i can’t let go of him and hopes that one day maybe things could be different. Better than last time. Maybe that wasn’t “our time.” Honestly, I don’t think I want to let go, even though at times I wish i could, or would… But I really do still feel something… It isn’t going away, although my certainty about it is getting more clouded. Maybe the more time that passes, the more I am starting to doubt myself, doubt that there is anything still there, doubt that it could maybe work out some day…

I am so unsure now. I feel like the progress I’ve made is being taken back, because I am not sure about anything now… The news of my ex J knocking up some chick after a couple months still has me a little rattled. I think I’ve mostly accepted it, and realized why I was feeling the things I was feeling. I’ve let go of the hurt I was feeling about that situation… He is no longer a part of my life, for very good reasons, and it should not affect my life. Just because I don’t have those things yet doesn’t mean I never will…. And I know that when I do find someone, it’s going to be a good man because I’ve learned that I can’t settle anymore for less than I deserve. And it’ll be worth the wait…

But as for K, I’m just not as sure anymore… I try to let go. I try to move on. But I can’t, and I don’t fully understand why… There was something really special there, and if I don’t feel something that strong with someone else, it just points me back to him.. Does that make sense? But I don’t even really know where he stands. He does still have a girlfriend, of 2 years. I’ve only talked to him twice since everything’s come back up for me… But those two times, I felt like there was still something. Just the way he was talking/texting.. It was like no time had passed. We went right back to talking like we used to. Even through text he could tell how I was feeling, that something was bothering me… And the second time, he even asked how I was really doing with everything (meaning how i was dealing with my feelings of guilt and stuff toward him)… Idk… I just don’t know anymore!!!! I go back and forth multiple times a day… I’m tired….

If it can’t be him, my K, why can’t I just meet someone else already?! I ask God this all the time… Just please, God, if I’m not meant to be with K, please just let me find the guy I am supposed to be with… I need to feel loved. I need attention. I need that intimacy… I’m tired of being strong and single and alone all the time and pretending like it doesn’t always get to me sometimes. I have everyone around me saying, “Oh I can’t believe you are still single! All these guys must be crazy… You’ll find someone soon…” I wish people would stop bringing it up!!! It just makes me more mad at myself for giving up on K when we were together. Even though I wasn’t as emotionally healthy and wasn’t able to talk about my feelings… It wouldn’t have worked when I was like that, but now I am so different…… Better…

Ugh. I feel like I’m just angry, emotionally rambling now… I guess I’ll go.. It’s hard to be unsure about things in life.. It definitely wears on you….

~Aly.

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