Staying “friends”

So I’m still Facebook friends with my ex J who is getting ready to have a baby with his new gf. Those who have read my previous blogs know about this situation… It doesn’t bug me anymore, especially since I figured out why I was having so many different emotions about it. It was more because I haven’t gotten these things yet, even though I’m trying to do things right and he is getting them (albeit not happily).

Anyway… I don’t necessarily want to be “friends” with him on Facebook anymore. But every time I go to delete him, I stop… I’m curious to see what the baby looks like or find other info out.. Like I recently got a more accurate date if when the baby is due, and what they’re going to name him… Part of me is curious and so I keep being “friends” with him because of that, and then part of me wants to sever ties- just delete him and put him in my past. I don’t want to hurt myself by allowing myself to see these things, in case it brings another mini emotional meltdown like when I first found out about it all. I don’t feel like it bothers me anymore but when I’m confronted with seeing him, who knows?

I don’t know what to do… Stay “friends”, delete J now, or wait until the baby is born and then delete him… I just feel like its curiosity that keeps me from unfriending him. I don’t have any feelings for him. I have absolutely no desire to get back with him or even talk to him…

Any words of advice? Any suggestions??

~Aly.

Ready or Not

When it boils down to it, I don’t feel ready to move on… I don’t feel like I’ve completely let go of hope of things one day working out with K. And I feel like until then, I wouldn’t be doing myself a favor by dating… I don’t know… How to you decide you are or aren’t ready to move on and date again??

As I’ve said before, I don’t think I want to let go of K, even though its been so long and even though he currently has a gf. I’m not making any moves towards him, but I’m my own heart, quietly, I hold on… It’s not something I can control, like breathing; it’s something you can be aware of but not be able to change. It just exists that way… Am I making any sense? *sigh*

One of my good friends at work has a guy she wants to set me up with.. She showed me a picture of him- and he seems cute. He’s going to school to be a surgeon.. He’s kind of a nerd, like me.. She said she showed him pictures of me and he said I was cute or whatever. I am interested but nervous. And I feel reserved. Like I’m holding myself back… He seems like a good choice for a partner from what she’s told me about him….. But K is in the back of my head the whole time she is talking about him… I don’t know if I’m ready to let go or move on…

Maybe part of me is scared if it could work out with this new guy, if I do end up going on a date with him… Or scared it could be another waste of time… I guess the only way to know is to meet him and see if I feel that spark.

But then there is the side of me that feels like I could wait for K. Just wait to see for a while if he and Liz break up…. I would because I feel like it could be worth it in the end. I feel like we had something so special and if we ever got another chance, with both of us (especially me) in healthier places in our lives, it could be so much greater than before….. And if not, if they end up staying together, then at least ill have more time being single to get over him… However I’m supposed to do that!

So, ready or not? I wish I had the answer…

~Aly.

Picky

I’ve come to realize there is nothing wrong with being a little picky when it comes to your partner… Not that I’ve been particularly picky in my own past with the 4 guys I have dated, but more recently since becoming single again.. I’ve dated 4 very different guys. A Golfer/nerd, an artsy stoner outcast, a good ol’ country boy, and a macho bad boy. Of course these are very generalized descriptions but it gets the point across…

The guys I’ve talked to are also very different… Nerdy awkward good boy, tattooed bad boy with a past of bad decisions, and psycho gym rat. Luckily these three only lasted a few weeks at most! *rolls eyes*

After the last one, I woke up in a sense… I realized that if I don’t feel “it” I can’t even make myself settle, if I ever wanted to. I think you can know within one good conversation if the other person is compatible with you. If you feel any doubts, that’s your gut telling you they aren’t right. I wish I would’ve known or listened to that gut feeling a few times in my past… But at least I know it now.

If you get the feeling you don’t have anything in common it probably means it’ll be a waste of time in the long run. From my experience anyway… You have to be compatible, as well as have chemistry. It’s ok not to have all the same hobbies or interests, but at least a good amount. Or be willing to become interested in what each other likes.

Anyway… Maybe I am a little picky but oh well… One day I’ll meet that tattooed God-loving country boy of my dreams. A guy who’s a mix of Jane Austen’s Mr Darcy, Christian Grey, and Luke Bryan. That’s not too much to ask for, is it? 😉

~Aly.

Too Trusting

Sometimes I wonder if I’m too trusting. Maybe that’s why when I get hurt, it cuts me so deep… I feel like I always give people the benefit of the doubt in situations, people I sometimes just barely meet, and it ends up screwing me over. Maybe Trust should be earned, not just freely given…

But then again, I feel like having that outlook is so negative! I want to be able to trust people and not get hurt because of it…. I can’t let go of things easily. Probably one of my biggest problems in my life. I hold on to things, and people, and situations, and I don’t know how to let go. I build up walls when I get hurt and bottle things in… And then that just causes more problems!

I trust people who have hurt me before… I guess I don’t know when to learn my lesson or something. Or maybe I just hope the person can change so I give them more and more chances, despite getting hurt more than once…

Ugh God I just feel so sad right now… Over nothing in particular… I just want someone already. I try so hard to be patient… I just want my person. It’s hard not to feel lonely. I miss having a deep connection with someone. Someone I really can trust and open up to. I miss cuddling, and kissing, and loving someone and feeling loved back.

This, I think, is why I’ve always been in long term relationship after long term relationship. I just jump from one to the next, with barely a break in between. I open up and trust them, and then I just keep on holding on, even when things aren’t good. It’s hard for me to open up and it’s hard for me to let go once I do… Rock and a hard place. And I don’t like feeling so alone… I like being paid attention to. Who doesn’t??

I guess it’s good that I’ve realized these things… Why I did certain things, what I do and what the results are… Acknowledging problems are the first step to fixing them. And now I’ve been able to break my habits. I’ve been single for 15 months now. Compared to maybe 2 months in between my relationships before…. I hope I can learn to trust the right people.. When to open up and when not to. I just hope I’ve learned enough for it to change things the next time around… Whenever that is…..

~Aly.

Wouldn’t Change a Thing

Although the last year and a half has been a definite struggle personally, I really wouldn’t change a thing… Starting with realizing I wasn’t happy in my relationship with J, to realizing I still had strong feelings for my other ex K, to the actual breakup drama with J, having to move back in with my dad, dealing with my regrets with K, finding out about J having a baby.… It’s really been a struggle, emotionally, mentally, physically, but I have grown and changed in sooooo many ways that wouldn’t have been possible if I never went through these things…

God never gives us more than we can handle. And the tough things we sometimes go through help shape us into better human beings. We learn through experiencing. We learn from our mistakes, and [hopefully] change them the next time around. Sorry for being so cliche.. 😛 But I really do, deeply feel that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Maybe not right away, but in the long run…

I still have my struggles… Some days are tough, but I wouldn’t change it… Looking back to a year ago, I have become a very different woman. In a good way! I know what I want. I know my own worth. I’ve realized I literally can not settle in a relationship anymore. That quickly became apparent on the few dates I’ve been on with guys since becoming single… I’m working towards finding a full time career, getting out of waitressing, and buying my own house (hopefully next year!)… I am making things happen for myself.

Funny how something so small, like putting together a bookshelf all by myself, can make you feel so good about yourself. Small thing to make you feel empowered, but there ya go! I guess it’s just the boost I needed to get out of my little funk I’ve been in… Don’t get me wrong, I definitely don’t have all the answers yet, but I’m trying. I’m doing things to try and move myself forward in my life, even if parts of my heart are still stuck in the past…

~Aly.

Buzzed

I hardly ever drink… But sometimes it helps me relax. Unwind. Sometimes it makes me feel better.

Today was my 6th day of work in a row, and then we had a mandatory meeting, so I went with some coworkers to get a drink afterwards… It was nice to let loose a little and have some fun… But now that I’m back home, alone in bed, all I can think about is K…

I feel like an old record stuck on repeat… I think I’m just used to feeling sad all the time. The pain doesn’t go away, we just learn how to deal with it… Drinking, unfortunately, simultaneously makes me feel better and makes me want to think about K… After my feelings started bubbling back up for him, it was a night of drinking and [stupidly] drunk texting him that opened up the first conversation I’d had with him in over 2 years. It was great to hear from him, and soooo nice that he seemed to want to talk back to me… He didn’t have to text me back, but he did, and we talked for a while….

It just really sucks…. All the time, every day things remind me of him. I feel so uptight all the time- I never relax or unwind- and when I do by having a few drinks with coworkers, I always end up back to thinking about K..

I try to let go… Idk how to do it, but I try to do what I can… I tried going on dates with a few guys. I’ve tried moving on… Why can’t I just be over it already?!? I pray to God almost every day, if it can’t be him, please God let me stop feeling these things for him, let me stop thinking about him… If he is not my ONE, release me from this pain…. And I continue to…. It just makes me feel like maybe God is letting me continue to feel these things because there is still something there, or will be in the future.. God is supposed to answer prayers right? So if He doesn’t, doesn’t that means its for a reason??

It’s confusing… I’m buzzed and soooo exhausted from this week… Sometimes it feels so overwhelming… I’m guna go have a good cry and take a bubble bath…

Night loves
~Aly.

Moving on is moving on…

Moving on is moving on.. Isn’t it? Doesn’t matter how you do it, as long as you do…

I’m tired of being hung up on exes. I’m tired of still being single when they are all moved on. Even if it isn’t exactly how they wanted, they are moving on/forward with their lives… Like J who is having a baby a year after we broke up. Maybe it’s now how he would have wanted or not with a girl he would have wanted it with, but his life is moving forward. Does it matter how it happens, as long as it does?

I don’t know…

Even K, my lost love… He was hung up on me for a long time, while I was in my crappy 3 1/2 year relationship with J. But he dated. A few people. And by the time I started coming around to my senses about him, he finally found happiness with Liz…. He struggled for a while, but he eventually was able to move on.

Everyone but me.. I wish I could. Or even knew how. When I was first single, I tried talking to a few guys. Went on dates. But none of the guys seemed right for me.. And so the last 8 months or so I haven’t tried. I haven’t found anyone who has caught my eye…

Should I just make myself find someone? Does it matter how I move on, as long as I do move on? I feel like it is just settling though.. I don’t want to keep thinking about my exes.. It hurts to see K’s fb page.. All his pics with Liz… I feel almost delusional sometimes, thinking there might still be this small chance down the line that he and Liz won’t work out, that him and I could get another shot…. It makes me feel mental sometimes…

Get with it Alyssa. Wake up and smell the dead roses.. Why can’t I just give up and accept that it isn’t going to happen?

Sorry.. I’m ranting again.. All this stormy weather here must be getting to me…. Or the constant dreaming about my exes… Ugh..

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.. Maybe I won’t dream tonight….

~Aly.