I hardly ever drink… But sometimes it helps me relax. Unwind. Sometimes it makes me feel better.

Today was my 6th day of work in a row, and then we had a mandatory meeting, so I went with some coworkers to get a drink afterwards… It was nice to let loose a little and have some fun… But now that I’m back home, alone in bed, all I can think about is K…

I feel like an old record stuck on repeat… I think I’m just used to feeling sad all the time. The pain doesn’t go away, we just learn how to deal with it… Drinking, unfortunately, simultaneously makes me feel better and makes me want to think about K… After my feelings started bubbling back up for him, it was a night of drinking and [stupidly] drunk texting him that opened up the first conversation I’d had with him in over 2 years. It was great to hear from him, and soooo nice that he seemed to want to talk back to me… He didn’t have to text me back, but he did, and we talked for a while….

It just really sucks…. All the time, every day things remind me of him. I feel so uptight all the time- I never relax or unwind- and when I do by having a few drinks with coworkers, I always end up back to thinking about K..

I try to let go… Idk how to do it, but I try to do what I can… I tried going on dates with a few guys. I’ve tried moving on… Why can’t I just be over it already?!? I pray to God almost every day, if it can’t be him, please God let me stop feeling these things for him, let me stop thinking about him… If he is not my ONE, release me from this pain…. And I continue to…. It just makes me feel like maybe God is letting me continue to feel these things because there is still something there, or will be in the future.. God is supposed to answer prayers right? So if He doesn’t, doesn’t that means its for a reason??

It’s confusing… I’m buzzed and soooo exhausted from this week… Sometimes it feels so overwhelming… I’m guna go have a good cry and take a bubble bath…

Night loves

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