Too Trusting

Sometimes I wonder if I’m too trusting. Maybe that’s why when I get hurt, it cuts me so deep… I feel like I always give people the benefit of the doubt in situations, people I sometimes just barely meet, and it ends up screwing me over. Maybe Trust should be earned, not just freely given…

But then again, I feel like having that outlook is so negative! I want to be able to trust people and not get hurt because of it…. I can’t let go of things easily. Probably one of my biggest problems in my life. I hold on to things, and people, and situations, and I don’t know how to let go. I build up walls when I get hurt and bottle things in… And then that just causes more problems!

I trust people who have hurt me before… I guess I don’t know when to learn my lesson or something. Or maybe I just hope the person can change so I give them more and more chances, despite getting hurt more than once…

Ugh God I just feel so sad right now… Over nothing in particular… I just want someone already. I try so hard to be patient… I just want my person. It’s hard not to feel lonely. I miss having a deep connection with someone. Someone I really can trust and open up to. I miss cuddling, and kissing, and loving someone and feeling loved back.

This, I think, is why I’ve always been in long term relationship after long term relationship. I just jump from one to the next, with barely a break in between. I open up and trust them, and then I just keep on holding on, even when things aren’t good. It’s hard for me to open up and it’s hard for me to let go once I do… Rock and a hard place. And I don’t like feeling so alone… I like being paid attention to. Who doesn’t??

I guess it’s good that I’ve realized these things… Why I did certain things, what I do and what the results are… Acknowledging problems are the first step to fixing them. And now I’ve been able to break my habits. I’ve been single for 15 months now. Compared to maybe 2 months in between my relationships before…. I hope I can learn to trust the right people.. When to open up and when not to. I just hope I’ve learned enough for it to change things the next time around… Whenever that is…..

~Aly.

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