Nothing Less than I Expected

So after messaging K on Facebook last night, he texted me back… I didn’t hold back. I told him what i needed to know… And what he said wasn’t anything less than I expected to hear… I wish he would’ve been more blunt and definite, but he basically said there are always “ifs” and “maybes” in life, but that it wouldn’t be fair to me to keep waiting for him. That he is happy and in a good spot in his life right now. So I guess I got my closure.

I wish he could have just given me a definite no I don’t have any feelings for you anymore, or no there is no hope for a second chance anymore…

I’m not going to read too much into what he said; for once, I’m going to just take it literally as he said it and move on. I can’t wait for him anymore. I’m not going to allow my brain to keep thinking maybe one day down the line there might be another chance between us. He said he thinks I should move on, so I’m going to try.

No more looking back.

Reaching Out for Answers

So I finally reached out to K… Literally minutes ago, I sent him a Facebook message… I figured it was the safest route to go. I cannot move forward in my life without getting these answers from him… I don’t feel like anyone in my life understand why I haven’t been able to move on yet, and it’s so hard to not feel like I have any support from people who understand my struggle…..

So here is a copy of what I sent him… Hopefully I’ll hear back relatively soon.. Maybe then I will be able to finally know to let go and move forward in my life… I deserve to find happiness and find my one person I’m meant to be with. If it can’t be K, I need to know….

“Hey K. I hope you are doing well and happy. I’m really sorry to bug you again… I don’t want you to think badly of me for bugging you so much. I just really need some answers from you…

I think you understand how hard it’s been for me to forgive myself and move on from you. I’ve been struggling with it for over a year and a half… As hard as it may be, I need you to be 110% completely honest. Even if you think it will hurt me; I promise I will be ok. I’m strong; I can take it, and I’d rather know and be hurt than spend the rest of my life wondering “what if.”

But i’ve found myself unable to move on with my life lately. I’ve tried so hard to move on and let go, but part of me hasn’t been able to. You are always in the back of my mind. Maybe it’s just been me reading what I want to hear in the conversations we have had.. And again, I am so sorry that I keep bringing this all up to you…

I understand that a lot of time has passed and that we are both very different people. I see that you have moved on. I respect that, and I’m glad that you have been able to… But I really need you to be brutally honest with me. I need to know if you are completely over me. I need you to tell me to move on, that there is no hope, because otherwise my heart will keep telling me there is still hope for one day. I feel like I need to hear it from you, to tell me that I need to let go. That is really is over forever. Otherwise I’m just going to continue to be stuck in the same spot…. I’m sorry that I have to bring this up again.

This can be the last time you hear from me. Just let me know…

Thanks for understanding,

Alyssa”

 

So that’s that!! I’ll let you all know how it goes…

xoxo ~Aly.

Confused

I need answers.. I feel like I’m stuck, unable to move forward in my life without some answers… But I don’t know how to go about getting them…

I need to know if there is any chance of a second chance with K. It’s been a year and 8 months since I realized I still had feelings for him, but he’s been in a relationship that whole time.. I didn’t want to disrespect his relationship so I’ve beat around the bush with him, the 2 times I have talked with him, but I’ve been unable to let go of him and hopes that there could be a maybe in the future. I’ve been waiting without really meaning to…

I tried moving on and they didn’t work out. K is always in the back of my mind. And I feel like I need to know, one way or the other, if he still feels anything for me and if he would want to maybe try again in the future (if/when he is out of a relationship). If he does, then I can keep waiting. If not, than ill have to be able to force myself to move on. I can’t just keep being stuck…

But I don’t know how to bring it up… It’s been 6 months since I last talked to him… And it was on his birthday so I had that as an excuse to reach out to him….

Although I still keep hope about K, I’ve kept myself open to meeting other people… Last night I hung out with one of my coworkers roommates in a group setting… A bunch of us coworkers went to a baseball game and the bar afterward.. He seems nice, and he asked if I wanted to grab dinner sometime.. I said yes.. But all the way home I was fighting the urge to text K. This happens when I drink.. Lol. But my point is K is always in the back of my mind after i meet someone because I still don’t know if I should make myself move on or if I should keep holding out for a possible maybe with K…

And one of my friends has a close guy friend she wants to set me up with.. He’s got a good job, is in school to be a surgeon, and seems like he is a great guy… I might go out with him too, just to see if I feel any spark…

I really am trying to keep my options open.. I don’t want to keep holding my breath for K if there ends up not being a second chance…

I’m ready for some answers… I need to know what to do….

~Aly.

Text Conversation 2- this one was way more intense! especially rereading it again…

Here is the second text conversation I had with my ex K.. This took place on his birthday in December of last year (2013)

Conversation 2 (December 2013)

Me: Just wanted to wish you a happy 25th birthday K—– ((This is all I was expecting to say. Didn’t except anything else to be said))

Him: Thanks buddy! Hope all is well my friend I was thinking about ya the other day

Aww well thanks.. Hope you have a great day ((Chance two for him to end the conversation!! But no… He wanted to keep talking…))

Where ya living now?

Just with my dad

Good deal how’s the kid?

Kid? Sorry.. Maybe you were thinking of a different Alyssa..

Sorry have multiple texts going on lol this new iPhone is kicking my ass

lol sorry :/

It’s ok redneck problems

😛

Hey be nice now!

Just smiling.. lol

And probably laughing let’s be honest

something like that 😉 ((Again… Another spot where he could have chosen not to keep texting, but instead he opens the conversation further..))

How’s the fam?

Everyone is good.. How about yours? I think about them still..

There good. My little brother is almost done with school. Moms doin’ good and dad’s gonna retire soon

Oh that’s great! Glad to hear it

Yup- where ya working’ now?

Still at the same place, but i’m trying to get on as Kaiser. How about you?

I work for the fire department as a paramedic now- kaiser that’s cool. doin’ what?

Congrats! I know you always wanted to get on there.. Just as a receptionist for now.. Been thinking about going back to school for some kind of technician or medical assisting..

That would be cool. lots of money to me made.. Go be a nurse they make crazy amount of money!! And thank you- I’m really lucky to be able to work with them- it’s a great place

I thought about it.. Wish I would’ve taken nursing classes from the beginning though! lol. I’m glad everything is going so well for you.. Sounds like everything is perfect!

Yeah nursing is a good job… If I ever got hurt that’s what I would do… And nothing is ever perfect but my career is join’ well

Yeah It’d be a good backup, but try not to get yourself hurt 😛 and I just meant that everything you wanted is happening, so that’s good

Haha I won’t get hurt- I’m invincible 😉

lol ok.. just don’t take any chanced Superman

Haha Superman? that’s a new one… How’s bailey? ((my dog))

Mr Invincible lol. She’s good. How’s the puppy?

Big 🙂 but good just being rowdy lol

Aww I miss him sometimes.. He sure was a cutie

Still is.. He’s got a gray beard now lol

Aww! lol.
Well enjoy the rest of your birthday.. It was nice talking with you a little bit.. take care 🙂   ((Again! Another opportunity I gave him to back out of talking to me….))

Sorry got to work and we got slammed.. It was nice talking to you too.. How are your nieces?

It’s ok I understand.. Sorry you have to work on your birthday.. Guess that’s part of growing up huh? lol they are great! Excited for Christmas.. They are the sweetest little girls.. 🙂

Lol ya part of the job- but me and my partner have fun so it’s gunna be a good night. And they look like it. they’re so cute! I see the videos when your brother in law posts them…

🙂 well I hope so! Anywho.. Yeah they are the light of my life! lol I’m glad you’ve seen some of them.. I know he posts some pretty funny ones of them!

Ya they’re cute as shit… They look like good kids I’m happy for them

🙂 I’ll let them know you think so!

Ya I saw him a couple of months back at the store

Oh yeah.. I remember him mentioning it to me..

Ya… How’s momma? ((That’s what he called my mom)) 

She’s good. Her and her husband live over in ____.. And she’s still working at Kaiser.

Good deal… So what’s new with you? Anything fun or interesting? ((See what I mean about him pushing the conversation!? I was so happy that he seemed to want to keep talking to me… It was so great…))

Nothing new with me.. Just the same old, same old.. Anything new and exciting with you?

Lol Same ol same ol? come on- no new tattoos no cool stories? And I just work a lot which is very entertaining

Lol I got one new tattoo a few months ago.. 😛 Cool stories? hmm.. I’m sure I have a few but nothing jumps out right now.. lol I’m sure work is very entertaining for you! I can only imagine.. Anything good so far tonight?

What’s the new tat? And tonight not so much- some chick got hit in the head with a beet bottle… Last night i had two drunk brothers kissing each other after they wrecked their car lol

It says ‘this too shall pass’ and it goes across the top of my shoulder.. I’ve always liked that saying… Sounds like last night was interesting! lol

Nice!! How’s the sparrows?? ((this was a tattoo I got when we were together. I basically got it for him. It says ‘Nothing but death shall part us’ in latin with some sparrows))

Still here.. lol but it still looks pretty good. Not bad for being almost 5 years old 😛

Lol it’s hard to imagine they’re that old……

It’s hard to imagine how much time has gone by lol
Still my have tattoo..

Ya it was a good one… I always liked it lol. What’s the new one look like? Is it in english?

It had the most meaning to me when I got it.. It was a very romantical ideal.
Yeah it’s in english, in cursive. All lower case letters. Not too bold- I wanted it cute and dainty.. I might have a pic if you want to see..

sounds cool and sure 🙂

backwards but you get the idea

ya it looks good! that’s number 5? I remember 2 lol

thanks! Yeah number 5.. My Japanese kanji was one, the flower was two, the sparrows was three, and I got a tiny one of my wrist about 3 years ago that says love. and this makes five!

lol when you getting a sleeve haha

lol idk about that! so when are you getting a tat? 😉

Haha who knows…. I’ve toyed with the idea but idk

yeah.. they are permanent.. lol. I always think about mine for a few months before i get it, just to be sure I want it with me forever..

good idea. lol. so what’s the next one gonna be?

If i get more, i’ll probably get something disney.. lol i saw this ((sent him a pic of a tattoo from google)) and thought its pretty cute..

lol ya i can see ya getting that. and you will end up with more. lol your addicted

lol maybe just a few more.. I don’t want to be covered..

lol between the tats and piercings you could have an alternative modeling career!

lol that could be fun

Haha yup- i think you could pull if off you have a classic look to you (( and cue the swooning, melting into a puddle! ))

Why thank you! I always thought it would be fun to do a pinup girl style photo shoot.. or like old hollywood style..

Hell ya you could pull it off!!

Maybe one day i’ll get to do one..

You have cameras make your sister take pics lol

I should! My big sister is taking photo classes, so I’m sure she would!

Boom!!! Just started your modeling career

Yup!! I’ll let you know how it goes, lol
Although 25 might be too old to start a modeling career..

Never too old! Plus you look good. Boom rock star status

I kind of like the sound of that! ;P

Haha of course who doesn’t!!!

True.. So nothing else new with you? ((His borderline flirtation had me curious if he and Liz were still together….))

Um.. I start an academy in January  so just been focusing on my physical fitness lol. trying to look good haha

Oh cool. An academy for what? and you always look good lol

A fire fighter academy for work

Oh cool… Good luck

And thank you. But i got to get the six pack back haha. And thank you it’s gonna be worth it in the end.

Absolutely.. I could use to tone up a little bit myself lol

Haha get ready for the photo shoot! So u dating again or what? (( I almost died… I mean really!? My heart’s a fluttering the whole conversation…))

exactly! And no I’m not dating right now.. It would have to take someone pretty special to come along.. lol

lol…. well I’m sure there’s someone special for ya 😉

maybe one day

Just got to realize what you want and get it lol

lol doesn’t alway work that way…

Y not?

Because sometimes what you want isn’t an option.
Like I would love Luke Bryan but unfortunately he is happily married with kids 😛 hahaha ((and in case you don’t realize, I was giving that as an example but I was really referring to K himself who is in a relationship therefore not an option even though it’s what I want))

How do you know he’s happy? Maybe he just hasn’t met you yet? Or maybe he doesn’t even know your available lol ((help me decipher this!!))
It all starts with a gesture

lol. But you get my point.. sometimes what you want isn’t an option…

Eh I don’t let things get in my way lol. But I’m hard headed and stubborn

Well at least you don’t have to worry about that.. ((referring to the fact that he already has a girlfriend))

Haha yup. but seriously a plane with a note is a pretty good start

I’ll have to look into it..

Lol I’m just saying. Plus luke bryan is just eh lol

just eh? I saw him over summer and oh man! 😉

haha but his music- eh

it’s not that bad… lol

eh I’m just saying. But if your mind is set go for it lol nothing to lose

My mind isn’t set, he was just an example..

o well then that’s why your not motivated

even if I was motivated, wouldn’t do any good.

negative nancy! jeez lol

lol no! Just being realistic

lol well you can’t get nothing if you never try haha

maybe I’m just waiting for the opportune moment!

lol no time like the present

Would it do any good to tell someone in a relationship that you have feelings? I don’t think so… It would be disrespectful..

lol… and that’s why your a good person

And still single lol

eh more time to take photos!

Lol because taking photos is such a good alternative 😉

lol better than nothing ?

Maybe

It’s better than meth !

lol yes, good thing I don’t do meth!

ya meth is bad haha

yup!

So did you ever find the picture? (( referring the the framed photo of the dog we had together. See my previous blog for more on this))

No… I know it’s somewhere, but I think my dads ex gf might have boxed it up in the garage… I was looking for it again the other day.. lol. Want to tell me what was on the back?

Lol nope 🙂

please? Pretty please?

Nope you got to find it

Ugh you’re going to make me go crazy…

lol sorry :/

lol don’t be. Well if you ever decide you want to let me know, you have my number.. 😛 And i’ll keep looking for it

Lol well when you find it you know my number (( and cue the frenzy to find the darn photo before I go crazy!))

Lol yes I do.. But it would be so much nicer if you could just tell me now 🙂

Nope I wrote it figuring you would find it one day.. Now it’s up to u

I’ll find it

I know

Hopefully soon lol

Lol it’s just waiting for you 😉

I’ve tried looking for it so many times.. I’m just worried she threw it out or something..

It’s got to be somewhere. It was in a from i think. I left it at your moms years ago lol

It was.. I had it here at my dads.. It was sitting on our fireplace mantle last I saw it.. I’ll find it.. I need to! lol

lol u will

I hope so!

Lol ur still up! ((it was 2:20 am at this point))

Yup. I never get to hear from you.. I’d stay ip all night if it meant I got to talk to you more..

Lol… I’m on night shift… I’ll be up all night…

Just nights?

Ya I work 3 on 3 off night shift 12 hours.

Oh.. that’s not too bad.. except being up all night lol

Eh I’m used to it lol. so how are you really doin’?

I’m alright I guess…

Or you can be honest cuz u don’t sound so sure

Well to be honest, I still think about things all the time.. I have dreams about you sometimes.. At least I don’t drunk message you anymore though, right? lol

We all think about things…. And I guess that’s good lol it took a long time to stop thinking about you all the time…. ((crushed my heart to hear him say this))

It’s hard sometimes that I can’t stop thinking about them though.. I still cry over it.. Pretty pathetic, right? I don’t know why I can’t move on.. And I feel like no one understands what I feel.. So that’s still hard..

I’m sorry.. It’s not pathetic.. There was a lot there… And there’s parts of me that aren’t the same.. I get it trust me

I’m so sorry…

Why

Because I messed things up. I literally feel like I’ll regret leaving you for the rest of my life..

Things happen…. Sometimes it works itself out for the better one way or another…

I know.. Everything will work out sone day… I’ve just gotta wait until them..

Yes ma’am… Just be you and when the time comes it will come…

That’s what I’ve been trying to do.. 🙂 some days are harder than others but I’ll be alright..

Well I want you to be better than alright…

Alright is about as good as I can be right now.. I have my sisters and the girls to keep me cheered up..

I’m sorry… I wish I could of changed things

Don’t be sorry. It wasn’t you… I needed to grow up a lot and lawn to talk about how I was feeling. I didn’t know how to open up back then..

We both did.. I was crazy stressed out for months with paramedic school.. It didn’t help

At least it all worked out for you in the end.. I just want you to be happy.. You deserve the best of everything..

As do you… And I had to work hard to get here it was rough

I’m so happy you got to where you are not though.. I’m sorry it was so rough..

It’s all about the ride :))

Yup!

🙂

🙂

So what made you leave?

I felt unwanted.. I felt like you didn’t pay attention to me.. Like I wasn’t important enough to you… And i didn’t know how to tell you that, so it built up and built up.. Silly things that could’ve been easy to fix…

Ya…. You were literally everything to me…. ((My heart broke to hear him say this!! 😦    ))

You were everything to me too.. I wish I could go back in time and change things but I can’t..

I know the feeling….

Regret is one of the worse feelings.. I wish I could take it all back.. I know I hurt you so bad..

It’s ok I survived…

😦 What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…

yes ma’am… I’m sorry

Why?

For how everything went down… that I didn’t give you everything you deserved

You were more than I deserved…

No Not true

Yes it is.. You were the best thing that happened to me. In my whole life.. And I threw it all away for nothing.. I haven’t been the same since.. I feel like I have this hole inside me, and it won’t go away.. I’m learning to deal with the pain and empty feeling, but it’s always there..

I’m sorry… I wish you would of come back years ago…. But I have something now that I can’t give up.. Even if parts of me want to

I know.. I wish I could have too.. I know it’s too late.. I’ll have to live with that forever..

At least for now…. ((Is he giving me hope!? Help me people!))

I just want you to be happy. Even if i’m not..

I kno.. But I wish you could be happy

One day I will be..

So if you felt this way… Y did you stay with that guy!?

It was convenient.. And I felt like because I gave up something so great I had to make it work. But I was never happy. Ask anyone.. I settled because I felt like it was all i deserved..

I heard.. Ian (( a mutual friend )) said it was bad… I’m sorry… Same story with Mel….

It wasn’t healthy.. I felt like I couldn’t even be myself.. I had to overcompensate that I was over you because he was so jealous.. I didn’t get to grieve.. I’m sorry it was bad with Mel too..

eh it’s life… She was jealous of you too…

yeah..

She had a lot to be jealous of tho

So did my ex.. He knew how much my family love u..

I liked them :)) they were my family too

I know.. Just like your family was to me.. I felt closer to your parents than I did to my own at the time..

Lol ya….

 

 

So that was the end of that conversation.. 2 days later I found the picture of our dog that he had been telling me to find.. thank god! I was about to go crazy.. It basically said thank you for the dog, he is the best friend and gift anyone could give him and that they both missed me….

So yeah.. I haven’t heard from him since december 20th.. I was hoping he would text me on my birthday in january, but he didn’t…. I don’t know what to think anymore… anyone have comments to help me make sense of this all? even though this was like 6 months ago…

thanks!

~Aly.

Text Conversations with K

So, I have decided to post the two text conversations I’ve had with K since I began to realize I still had feelings for him… But first, I just want to post a quick timeline of events..

-September 2012- I began to realize I still loved K, and was working myself up to breaking up with J. Also around this time, K broke up with his gf Liz for about a month.
-January 2013- I finally broke up with J
-March 2013- the first of our text conversations occurred. It started with an accidental drunk text on my part
-December 2013- the second of our text conversations occurred. I texted him a short message for his birthday, not expecting a response. We ended up texting from 3 pm to about 5 am.

 

Conversation 1 (March 8, 2013)

Me: I’m sorry.. I know I shouldn’t text u… Idk what’s wrong with me.. I don’t think I can ever express how sorry I am… I know it’s been a long time; it’s crazy to think it’s been so long…. It makes me sad.. Sorry.. I need to just get over it already and leave you alone.
Omg! I didn’t mean to send that… Omg.

Him: Lol drinking again? And no need to say sorry.. So what happened with J–?

Yes.. :/ I’m so embarrassed.. I don’t want u to think I’m crazy or get your girlfriend mad.. He just wasn’t the right one for me.. I was tired of trying to force things when I knew I wasn’t happy…

I’m sorry to hear that…. And you’ll learn to hide your phone when drinking lol

Don’t be.. Just has made me very reflective these past few months.. Lol and that’s not a bad idea…

Ha Ha trust me I had to do the same on more than one occasion!

You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but why did you delete me from Facebook? just curious… I was with a group of people I didn’t really know, so all I had was my phone.. Lol

Because my significant other felt it was disrespectful… And it’s always better to drink with people ya know silly

I completely understand… I just saw you were still friends with like Laura ((one of his other exes)), so I didn’t know.. Thank you.. J– was always very jealous of you.. He would always bring you up all the time, so I kind of had to push all my feelings down…. I guess that’s maybe why it’s all been bubbling up now.. lol I don’t really have any close friends so I’m trying to meet new people.. I knew one girl…

Idk I don’t really use Facebook. I just randomly browse as needed. And I didn’t even know the guy- interesting he would bring me up. I’m sorry tho- it doesn’t sound like fun.

Yeah it was not very fun.. Always reminding me of you and stuff.. Sorry I’m probably telling you more than you wanted to know..

It’s ok… Mel ((another of his exes)) used to do the same thing

Sorry….

It’s alright it’s life. Ain’t it? So how are you doin’?

I guess so… Not too great lately but this too shall pass.. I’ll get over things and then you won’t have to deal with drunk me.. I’m just living with my dad right now, trying to spend as much time as I can with my sister and nieces.

Ya.. You’ll figure it out… It’s not easy, trust me but you will. And those girls are so damn cute!!! I saw your brother in law a few weeks back

Yeah he told me. I was staying with them at the time… You would love the girls.. lol so full of personality! I’m trying, dunno why its taking me so long to get over something from 3 ½ years ago… Sorry… it’s just a little hard….

They look like- I really wanted to see them… But it was too hard ya know? I love seeing the pics of them tho- super cute. Well what’s tripping you up about it?

I know, I’m sorry.. I wish you could have.. They would have loved you.. lol.
I’m sorry.. I just feel like I never had the chance to get over you.. It still makes me so sad.. And it kills me to think of what you last said to me… (( He said that if I ever changed my mind that he would probably still be there )) And my mom told me something you told her.. Just a lot of questions of what if.. Nothing couldn’t have been fixed if I had tried… I just feel like I gave up on the best thing that ever happened to me… And I’m so sorry that I’m telling you all this now, I should just try to get over my own problems.. I don’t want to mess up ur happiness..
Sorry, I guess it’s just hard to forgive myself.. :/

It’s ok… It’s not easy trust me I know… But everything happens for a reason- there’s no one to blame we were young… We tried, it just wasn’t the right time. Don’t be so hard on yourself… But what did your mom say?

Everything does happen for a reason.. I can’t help but be hard on myself.. She just told me something that u told her after we broke ip.. She said that you said not to tell me.

What was it? And don’t be hard on yourself it’s not your fault.

I feel like it is my fault though. How could it not be my fault?
That you were saving up for a ring.. Idk if it was true, but it kills me to think about it.. I wish she hadn’t said anything.. Ignorance is bliss right?

It was just not the right time… For you, or us I guess…. And ya, had a pretty penny saved up lol

I was so stupid and selfish.. I’ve never regretted anything as much as I do about that.. I know I needed to grow up a learn some things.. Obviously… It kills me to think about that.. You don’t even know.. lol

It’s life misses, we all make mistakes we have to live with. Just don’t let them get to you it will all work out, trust me

Well life sucks lol. I feel a little bettwe now that I talked to you some.. Got a lot off my chest.. Always would have wondered ‘what if’ if I hadn’t said anything…

Lol good.. I’m glad 🙂 you still got that pic of rowdy? (( when we broke up, he gave me a framed picture of the dog we had together ))

Of course. His birthday is coming up soon..

Lol yes it is 🙂 he’s going great- he’s finally calmed down.. He’s a sweetheart

He always was… lol (( I sent him some pics I had on my phone of the dog))

Wow!!! I haven’t seen him that young in years!!!

lol I had them on my phone. The first pic was when I first went to look at him ((before buying him))

Lucky!! I don’t have any of his puppy pics.. And wow!! that’s crazy

Yup. Well you can save these pics at least.. He was the cutest puppy…

Ya.. He was :)))

🙂 lol I even thought about getting a lab puppy, but i figured it wouldn’t be best since i wouldn’t take it hunting…
I sure do miss him sometimes.. lol nothing like big ol’ Rowdy kisses…

Lol… I’m trying to breed him. got a couple people who want to use him. Ya.. I kno.. He’s such a sweetheart it’s ridiculous everyone loves him

He sure is a good looking dog! Perfect… ((He sent me a few recent pics))
That’s good! He definitely has good genes, is great at hunting, and has the best personality.. It’s impossible not to love him.. lol

Ya haha, it’s amazing how well he turned out even with my dumb ass training him

Lol you did a great job training him! He listened to you from day one pretty much.. Do you remember the car ride back to your house after we got him?

A little lol

I just remember he was crying a little, and you had him on your lap, telling him it’s going to be ok.. I remember how happy you were..

Lol… Ya.. He’s my buddy 🙂 btw- look what’s on the back of the picture u have

I’m trying to find it.. I think it’s still packed up… I can’t find it right now 😥

It’s all right.. Open it up next time you see it lol

Now I’m gina go crazy trying to find it.. lol

Haha don’t do that

I’ll look on the back when I find it…

Lol yes ma’am 

It’s really bugging me that I can’t find it. I just saw it.. :/

lol I know the feeling

So how are you doing? How’s your family?

I’m good, I’m a paramedic. Hopefully getting hired soon.. The family is doing great..

That’s great.. I’m so happy for you.. Glad to hear everyone is doing good..

Yes ma’am how your family? And you? You graduated? Where you working?

They are good.. (Blah blah catching him up on my family members) … I graduated in december with my BA in photography.. I’m just working as a waitress right now. It’s not really what i’d like to be doing but it’s a good place to work…

Well congrats sounds like everything is working out 🙂

Well I’m sure it will eventually… lol but thanks…

Time. It all it takes!! 

Yeah.. One day everything will fall into place and all make sense… 🙂
Thanks for talking to me today.. It’s nice..

No worries 🙂 it was nice

I’m sure part of me will always wonder what if, but I’m sure time is all I need.. If you ever need anything, let me know.. Or if you ever wanted to catch up and get coffee.. I hope you are happy.. You deserve only the best.. 🙂

Maybe some time, and thank you – you deserve the best as well

I’ll understand if not.. Worth a shot throwing it out there though..

Well, I’m not opposed to it by any means… But I do have to ask why lol

Why what?

Would you want to meet up lol… just curious

Oh.. Well I just would like to see you face to face.. I just need to know how I feel about you.. Might help me get over things.. And you were always the best.. It’s easy to be around you.. Idk- I’m probably not making any sense.. I just thought it might be nice to see you again..

Ya… We can do that.. But I am happy with my gf…

I know.. I’m not saying anything like that.. I would never want to mess up anything..

 

So that’s the end of conversation 1… Thoughts anyone?? This was over a year ago, and it was the first time I had talked to him since we broke up…

I’ll post conversation 2 in a separate blog.. I feel like this one was soooo long!! Sorry! 

~Aly.

Dreams of someone I’ve never met

Last night was the 2nd or 3rd dream I’ve had about Liz, the girlfriend of my ex K whom I still have feelings for. Funny how the subconscious can make up a personality for someone you’ve never met… I guess it kind of does make sense that my unconscious mind would make her someone unlikable to me. I hate that she is the one making him happy… And I dislike her purely for the fact that she is his girlfriend, even though I’ve never met her…

The first dream, I think I mentioned it in a previous post, I actually woke up from feeling myself slap her across the face… I was shocked at how I acted do violently in my dream.. I’ve never been in a fight or physically hurt someone, but in my dream I did… She was sneering at me, taunting me.. Saying K never loved me, and would never even consider going back to me… And I remember just throwing my whole body into slapping her again and again, yelling at her to shut up, that she didn’t know a single thing about what we had, until I woke up….

I think she’s also been in a few dreams I’ve had about K but as a passive person in the background…

Last night I had another dream where she was front and center.. I didn’t even remember the dream until a few hours after waking up… But somehow me and her were having a conversation… Or maybe I overheard her talking to someone else… But she was saying how K and her had been fighting and how she didn’t like somethings about him, how they have broken up and gotten back together a few times. ((I do know for a fact that they did break up for a month or so back in September of 2012, when I first had my feelings for him resurface and when I was about to get out of my unhappy relationship with J… I’m not sure they have any other times though.)) I don’t remember what, but I know she was complaining about something… And I told Liz that she didn’t belong with him then. I’m pretty sure I was yelling at her. Saying she shouldn’t be with him then, if they were unhappy. She didn’t deserve him.. She didn’t appreciate how lucky she was to have him, and I loved him no matter what. That I was the one who should be with him then, if she wasn’t sure… I don’t remember anything else…

I guess my mind just wants to think that she isn’t a nice person, or that they might be unhappy because then maybe that means I could eventually get my second shot with K… I have no way of knowing anything about their relationship… I’m not even sure, if he was single again, that he would want to try again or that if things would even work out.. I’m not sure if too much time has passed.. Maybe time has separated us too much. Maybe we are too different of people now…

I don’t feel like i’ll ever get my answers. Somedays I feel better about him, like I might be able to let go and move on, and other days I don’t. I still feel a hole inside me. I still feel sad and regretful…

The pain doesn’t go away, we just learn how to deal with it.

~Aly.

Loss

Death is a part of Life. So cliche… But it is true…

This week my family suffered a great loss, my maternal grandpa. He was the Rock of our family… And it was really tough to say goodbye… He had cancer that wore down his body… We knew we didn’t have much time left with him, but it still came as a shock to me. At least I can take comfort knowing he went peacefully at home in his sleep. No suffering. No pain. He just went to sleep….

It’s still surreal… The last few days have been a blur..

This was the first loss I’ve experienced as an adult… I lost my uncle when I was 5-6. A friend at 7 or 8… But I was still too young to process it or really understand it… And it is so hard.

I feel like I wish I had someone special to comfort me… My family members all have partners. And it’s hard not to notice that they have someone to console them… Please, please don’t think I’m trying to focus on the wrong things! It’s just more me being hyper aware of my being single because if the last few months…

I kind of felt like I held back a lot if my tears and pain because I was alone. I felt like I had to be the strong one… Not just because I was alone and single, but also for my other family members who were grieving… But inside, I just miss having this, another aspect of being in a healthy relationship, having someone intimate to be there for me in a time of need so that I could feel safe to open up and let loose my sadness… Just having your person there for you when I needed it.

I hope I’m not coming off as being selfish or making this about me… Just trying to get my feelings out the best way I know how, writing it out… I know I can always depend on blogging, at least, to comfort me…

~Aly. ❤

Letting go of what doesn’t matter

So I finally did decide to delete J from Facebook. I don’t want or need to see that. I am over him, but we do have a past… And having it rubbed under my nose that he has a new gf and is expecting a baby just over a year after breaking up isn’t something I need to subject myself to.

Really, truly, breaking up with him was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself! I wasn’t able to me me. For years. I was forced to recede to a shell of the woman I was before. I wasn’t able to grieve my previous relationship with K. In fact, I had to completely lock away any hint of emotion or feelings I still had for K because J was sooooo overly jealous and suspicious. I could go on for days listing all the things I had to do that damaged me because of his issues…

I am still curious about the situation, but I don’t need it in my life. I really need to just focus on myself… I will find someone, and I will have a family one day. And I’m doing things the right way, the smart way. I’m not rushing into anything with anyone. When I do find someone, I certainly will be smart when it comes to protection. I will be happy and married before starting a family. I deserve that. It’s worth waiting for. I will not be like J who now will have two baby momma’s. his current gf got knocked up within a very short time of hooking up- they weren’t even together from what I’ve heard…. Ugh but enough of that!

Time to trim the fat that was J. He’s in the past where he belongs. I’m sure ill still hear things about him, but I’m choosing to look forward. Time to stop looking back…

I suppose this would pertain to K too… But that’s a different story. Not the unhealthy “relationship” I had with J… This was more. For both of us, it was a deep intense love. For me, I’m pretty sure it was my only true, real love I’ve experienced in my life (so far). I know I should stop looking to the past, but this was so different.. This has (and will) take me more time…

~Aly.