Ups and Downs

Every day is a new day to try and move on for me. Some days are easier than others… For the most part, I have been keeping my mind off K, or J and his baby that I’m sure he’s had by now, or the date 2 1/2 weeks ago that didn’t quite go as I had planned..

It’s hard, like today when I saw J while driving home. Smoking outside of this car, like he always did. Then I started thinking about his new son… And how I wish I could be in the situation of having my own babies, but obviously with the right person (not just the first lay I could find). Sorry, maybe I’m being too harsh towards her… I honestly don’t know their situation… But back to my train of thought- I feel lacking. Having my own family is something I want badly…

Obviously everyone is different and not everyone does things on the same timeline… But I’ve just always thought I would have kids young.. And everyday I’m inching towards 26….. On the bright side, though, I’m growing and doing so much more than I’ve ever done so far. I’m beginning to travel. I’m finding my voice. And I am not settling for anything less than my dreams…

I also have been thinking about my luck (or lack thereof) with dating… As you know, the date with C didn’t go so great. Still haven’t heard back from him… I’m ok with it though.. He obviously wasn’t the right one for me…. And I may have a group date with the other guy that my friend wanted me to meet…

See? I am trying. I’m making myself go out. Trying to push myself into moving on… I still think about K and its hard not to. Especially with all the flops I’ve gone on dates with in the last year and a half….

Sometimes I feel ready for love again… But most of the time I don’t. It’s hard to explain.. I love my independence and freedom, but I also miss companionship, cuddling, having deep intimate conversations… But I don’t know if I’m ready to open up to anyone yet. I still feel like my heart is locked up… And I’m not sure if I’m ready to let it go yet.

I’ve been hurt. I’ve been sad, felt guilt and remorse, been depressed. My heart is still healing, from trying to let go and move on from K. And I don’t know if I can open up until I have healed…

What do you all think? Is it possible to move on before your heart is healed from its last hurt??

~A.

Unrealistic Expectations

Maybe I just have unrealistic expectations about love now… I was stuck for so long on K, hoping someway, somehow we would get another chance because I felt like what we had was so strong and special… And now that I don’t mind being single, waiting for the right guy to come along instead of searching relentlessly for him, maybe I just have too high of hopes or something…

I feel like because I’ve dealt with so many bad relationships and not so great dates, that I will somehow miraculously know when I meet my Mr Right. Call it love at first sight if you must- but that’s not something I really even believe in… I just feel like I will (or should) know when I see him. That there will be this feeling, this spark or whatever. An instant connection. A chemistry between us that is undeniable and tangible….

Talk about unrealistic, right?? But I feel like that’s how it should be. Like I need something that blunt to tell me if he is the one or not. And I feel like anything less than instant fireworks is probably just a waste of time…

Now, I’m sure part of this might be because I most definitely feel my biological clock ticking… I even had a dream the other night that I had a baby… So maybe part of it is that I want to feel something outstanding instantly because I feel like I’m already running out of time.

And maybe part of it is that I feel like I’ve already wasted so much time with the wrong people, waiting for feelings to develop and then it turning into years wasted with people like J who weren’t right for me. Seriously, J was my last relationship and that was almost 3 1/2 years we dated!! I don’t feel like I even ever really loved him.. It was convenient and unhealthy and I got stuck in that routine….

I hate to even bring it up, but there was an almost instant connection with K though. We were always drawn to each other in high school. When we started talking, it got serious fast. There was a tangible chemistry. And I know that is the only true love I have experienced so far… It’s hard not to compare other guys to what I had with K because it was so genuine and real.

Yet again, I feel stuck… I’m sure things will work themselves out, like they always tend to do… I’ll get out of this little funk soon….

Xoxo Aly.

Trying Not to Revert to Old Habits

Kinda down today… It’s hard sometimes not to revert back to holding onto K when things aren’t going great…

With the date the other night not going so well, it just makes me think about K again… It’s like, I’m trying to move on but it just isn’t working out!! C makes the 5th or so guy I’ve gone on a date with… He seemed nice but I just don’t know if it’ll lead to anything, even if I ever do hear from him…. I know it’s still early to say, but I just don’t know if there is guna be that spark there between us…

I just get sad still sometimes.. It’s hard to keep being positive… Love is something I want and look forward to… I’ve had it with K, but it doesn’t mean he is the only one I will ever love. God has someone for me… I have faith in that…

But like I said, it’s just hard to stay positive… I’m not necessarily bummed just because the date with C didn’t go so great, just in general… I’m having a little bit of a hard time adjusting and letting go completely… I know I deserve to be happy again, and I really am fine with being single for now. I just have to wait for the right guy to come along… Even if its not K….

Xoxo Aly

Starting over in a new place

There have been several times where I’ve seriously thought about moving somewhere far away and starting over… The thought is so appealing.. Scary, but appealing.

I have a friend who recently moved to Florida to work at Disney World!! Seeing all her pictures and how much fun she is having makes me wish I could do it too… Or even just move down to LA to work at Disneyland..

To start over. Not have the constant reminders of K around, or worry about seeing J around town with his new baby mama (she is due any day now). To start fresh. Somewhere fun and new… It’s almost too good to think about…

But I would be leaving my family.. That’s pretty much the only reason I don’t… My older sister and my nieces are everything to me… And my sister is having her baby boy later this year… I feel like I would be being too selfish to move away from them.

And then there is the fact that I’m 25.. I feel too old to go off and have silly adventures… I want to start thinking about buying a house.. If I found he right guy, I’d want to start thinking about having a family… Could I really put off all that for another year or so to run off to another city?

I don’t think I ever would do it, but I wish I could sometimes… Or that I would’ve done it a few years ago when I was younger…

Hmm.. Just random thoughts… Have a great day everyone!

Aly.

So yeah… About that date…

I’ve been kind of dreading writing this blog… So the date was 2 nights ago. And as I said before, I was really really nervous….. But I literally embarrassed myself sooooo bad!

I took an anxiety pill before I left my house to meet him, because I felt so nervous and almost like i was going to have an anxiety attack.. So I took it and didn’t think anything of it until the next morning….

It was fun. We had a nice light dinner at a brewery.. I told him I had been nervous all day, but he was good at keeping the conversation moving.. I get quiet when I’m nervous… I was kind of feeling him out to see if he would maybe want to go out again, without me being too obvious of course… We each had 2 beers with dinner there, and then we headed to the baseball game.. Conversation was pretty easy. We both were making little jokes… We met up with our mutual friends and got a few more beers…

And then, BOOM!!!!! All the sudden I was seeing double, drunk as hell, and I went to the restroom to get sick… OMG, so embarrassing!! I had only had a few beers, and I was ok until all the sudden, I was sick and throwing up! The other girl there came in the bathroom and gave me some sprite and water.. They were all very nice about it, but I was so embarrassed! Way to go, Alyssa- getting drunk and throwing up!! I kept apologizing and C kept saying not to be, that it was ok… We got a cab back to their house, and he put me to sleep in his room. He slept on the couch… So at least he was gentlemanly about it… I did offer to sleep on the couch and he said no…

So I slept it off for like 5 hours and ended up sneaking out of their house at like 3:45 am.

Next boring comes around, I still feel sick and throw up a few times, but I wasn’t hung over at all. I felt completely fine except dizzy and nauseous still… I didn’t even have that much to drink, so why did I get so sick all of a sudden???? Then I remembered that anxiety pill I had taken….

I basically drugged myself unintentionally! After talking to my mom, she told me that you are NOT supposed to take tranquilizers and drink alcohol… DUH ALY!!! Gosh, could i have made myself look any dumber on a first date?!?

I decided not to text him first… I am still so embarrassed, even though it was me who accidentally drugged myself (basically- I might have a slight over exaggeration problem but that’s another blog…). I haven’t heard anything from him yet. It’s only been 2 days, so I guess we’ll see…

He seems like a nice guy, but it’s not guna kill me if it doesn’t work out. I’m used to being alone and single now… lol

So yeah.. That’s what happened with that… Better luck next time…

xoxo Aly.

Butterflies

Yes, I have butterflies!! Tomorrow is the big day- the first date i have gone on in around a year! Ahhhh! *girly excited scream* It’s definitely too soon to tell, but i think this guy may be a good one…

I’m beyond excited.. Every time I’ve thought about this date, Ive gotten butterflies (since we made the plans friday!); that’s a lot of butterflies!! lol

But to be honest, I have been having some anxiety over it too… I am just barely starting to move on from K. I definitely have noticed that he isn’t on my mind as much. Parts of me still are thinking “what if” but I’m telling myself NO whenever I start to go down that road…

Just because he  (K) was the best relationship I’ve had, doesn’t mean it was the best relationship I will ever have… I keep telling myself that.. If it can’t be K, then I know God has someone out there better for me.

I dunno what this thing with C will be yet, its just too soon, but I’m keeping myself open. And it doesn’t have to be serious right away.. I can take my time, get to know him, and see where things go… And if it doesn’t end up going anywhere then at least I can say I had fun!

Which leads me to the next thing……..

Dinner has now turned into dinner and a baseball game!! Just the local minor league, but still… 😀 He sounded excited.. He just called a few minutes ago to see if I’d be interested in going to the game with another couple/mutual friends..

So yes. There ya have it! All the new and exciting things in my life… I don’t think i’ll have time to blog tomorrow (work, then getting ready, then dinner and the game) but you can almost guarantee that I’ll be posting how it went on Thursday!

xoxo Aly.

 

A Lot on My Mind

So much has been going on in my head the last week or so… It’s borderline overwhelming….

Obviously my conversation with K is still on my mind a little.. Things I wish I would have said or other questions I wish I had answers to… But I did get the main answer, and I’m trying not to dwell on it. I’m trying to move on, like he said he thinks I should do. I have to actively stop my brain from thinking about “ifs” and “maybes”. I can’t do it to myself. I do feel like he still has some feelings for me, but it can’t amount to anything. He’s happy and moved on for now, so I should do the same…

Which leads me to my next thing… I have a date!!! And I’m soooo nervous! I don’t know the guy well, but I’m excited to see who he is and if I think there could be something there.. He is cute, and funny, and sarcastic (in the good way)…

But like I’ve said before, I think my natural inclination now is to sabotage things before I even give them a chance.. I’m dealing with this.. I’m trying to give this new guy, C, a chance… But part of me doesn’t think I’m ready to date yet… Partly because all of this did just happen with K, and I think I still need to grieve and heal from his answers.. But I’m trying to tell myself there is no reason I can’t just date a few guys.. It doesn’t have to be serious yet…

Another thing is that I really like being single. I like the freedom and independence I’ve grown in the last year and a half… But on the flip side, I do miss cuddling and kissing and all the lovely things that come with relationships too…

I just go back and forth.. Am I ready? Am I not ready? I am still going to give this a chance. I am going to keep myself moving forward.. I can just see where it goes and take things slow.. It’s just a lot on my mind.. I nervous and excited and cautious… And still sad and hurt… It’s all so conflicting!! *sigh*

My date isn’t until Wednesday, so I’m sure ill post something before then.. But in case I don’t, wish me luck!!

Xoxo Aly.

Wiping the Slate Clean

Sometimes people pray for nothing more than a clean slate. A chance to start over. An opportunity to put the past behind you and move forward…

I wish I could have that enthusiasm….

I got my answer… Kind of… I wish K would have been blunt with me. More black and white, instead of a million shades of grey. I’m trying really hard not to over think our last conversation though. He said he thinks I should move on, so I am going to. It’s hard to fight the urge to say “I’ll try” instead of “I will”. Even though it’s how I feel… He said move on, so I have to.

I have to.

He never said outright he didn’t have any feelings left for me though. He said it wasn’t fair to me to keep waiting. He said there are always “ifs” and “maybes” in life. But he said he thinks I should move on.

I am struggling so much with this. My natural inclination is to over think… And to hear what I want to hear, I guess… I have to turn this into wiping the slate clean and moving on. If I keep allowing myself to hold onto hope when there may or may not be anything there ever again, I will drive myself insane.

I have talked to/went on dates with 4 guys since I broke up with J a year and a half ago. And all of them were NOT good. No where close to being what I want in a relationship. No spark with the guy, or too many games, or too crazy/too many issues to deal with. So after each of these times, I’ve always looked back to K, because what we had was so great. I don’t know how to stop comparing everyone new I date to him, but I have absolutely no idea how…

And I guess I have 2 new potentials. One I’ve hung out with twice in group settings, and one I’ve never met or talked to yet. He’s a friends best friend. I feel like I sabotage new relationships before really giving them a chance, because I’ve always had K in the back of my head… What if I start dating someone and a year from now K and his girlfriend break up? And I feel like I talk myself out of going on dates… I feel out of the game.. Lol.

And it scares me that I don’t know anything about these people. I don’t like the idea that a stranger could be the guy I will one day marry… I know he won’t always be a stranger, but still.

I know now that I need to wipe the slate clean. I need to accept that I can’t keep thinking of K. I can’t wait for him, even if parts of me want to. I don’t know how to embrace this change. I don’t know if I can be excited to let go and move on. I don’t know how.

I’ll go on a few dates with these two new guys. I’ll try and give them a chance… I feel like I’ll just be going through the motions though. I promise I will try. If it can’t be K, then I want so badly to find who it will be.

Wish me luck.

~Aly.