Sometimes people pray for nothing more than a clean slate. A chance to start over. An opportunity to put the past behind you and move forward…
I wish I could have that enthusiasm….
I got my answer… Kind of… I wish K would have been blunt with me. More black and white, instead of a million shades of grey. I’m trying really hard not to over think our last conversation though. He said he thinks I should move on, so I am going to. It’s hard to fight the urge to say “I’ll try” instead of “I will”. Even though it’s how I feel… He said move on, so I have to.
I have to.
He never said outright he didn’t have any feelings left for me though. He said it wasn’t fair to me to keep waiting. He said there are always “ifs” and “maybes” in life. But he said he thinks I should move on.
I am struggling so much with this. My natural inclination is to over think… And to hear what I want to hear, I guess… I have to turn this into wiping the slate clean and moving on. If I keep allowing myself to hold onto hope when there may or may not be anything there ever again, I will drive myself insane.
I have talked to/went on dates with 4 guys since I broke up with J a year and a half ago. And all of them were NOT good. No where close to being what I want in a relationship. No spark with the guy, or too many games, or too crazy/too many issues to deal with. So after each of these times, I’ve always looked back to K, because what we had was so great. I don’t know how to stop comparing everyone new I date to him, but I have absolutely no idea how…
And I guess I have 2 new potentials. One I’ve hung out with twice in group settings, and one I’ve never met or talked to yet. He’s a friends best friend. I feel like I sabotage new relationships before really giving them a chance, because I’ve always had K in the back of my head… What if I start dating someone and a year from now K and his girlfriend break up? And I feel like I talk myself out of going on dates… I feel out of the game.. Lol.
And it scares me that I don’t know anything about these people. I don’t like the idea that a stranger could be the guy I will one day marry… I know he won’t always be a stranger, but still.
I know now that I need to wipe the slate clean. I need to accept that I can’t keep thinking of K. I can’t wait for him, even if parts of me want to. I don’t know how to embrace this change. I don’t know if I can be excited to let go and move on. I don’t know how.
I’ll go on a few dates with these two new guys. I’ll try and give them a chance… I feel like I’ll just be going through the motions though. I promise I will try. If it can’t be K, then I want so badly to find who it will be.
Wish me luck.