Maybe I just have unrealistic expectations about love now… I was stuck for so long on K, hoping someway, somehow we would get another chance because I felt like what we had was so strong and special… And now that I don’t mind being single, waiting for the right guy to come along instead of searching relentlessly for him, maybe I just have too high of hopes or something…
I feel like because I’ve dealt with so many bad relationships and not so great dates, that I will somehow miraculously know when I meet my Mr Right. Call it love at first sight if you must- but that’s not something I really even believe in… I just feel like I will (or should) know when I see him. That there will be this feeling, this spark or whatever. An instant connection. A chemistry between us that is undeniable and tangible….
Talk about unrealistic, right?? But I feel like that’s how it should be. Like I need something that blunt to tell me if he is the one or not. And I feel like anything less than instant fireworks is probably just a waste of time…
Now, I’m sure part of this might be because I most definitely feel my biological clock ticking… I even had a dream the other night that I had a baby… So maybe part of it is that I want to feel something outstanding instantly because I feel like I’m already running out of time.
And maybe part of it is that I feel like I’ve already wasted so much time with the wrong people, waiting for feelings to develop and then it turning into years wasted with people like J who weren’t right for me. Seriously, J was my last relationship and that was almost 3 1/2 years we dated!! I don’t feel like I even ever really loved him.. It was convenient and unhealthy and I got stuck in that routine….
I hate to even bring it up, but there was an almost instant connection with K though. We were always drawn to each other in high school. When we started talking, it got serious fast. There was a tangible chemistry. And I know that is the only true love I have experienced so far… It’s hard not to compare other guys to what I had with K because it was so genuine and real.
Yet again, I feel stuck… I’m sure things will work themselves out, like they always tend to do… I’ll get out of this little funk soon….