M.I.A.

It’s been a blur the last few weeks. I’ve been M.I.A. Shutting myself off for a while… Or at least trying to..

In my last post two weeks ago, I mentioned my grandma was about to pass.. And she did the very next day. It’s still surreal to me. My brain doesn’t want to go there, not so soon after dealing with my grandpa’s passing two months ago… I’ve been trying to stay the strong one, especially for my mom. But I do have my moments too…

Like thinking of how they won’t be there for my wedding day, or meet my babies when I have them. Or thinking about the coming holidays this year… Thanksgiving and Christmas just won’t be the same…

I feel my wall being back up. It’s like an emotional coping mechanism. At the first sign of pain or heartache, I feel it boom back into existence. Like a virtual Great Wall of China, except 100 times taller, encasing me behind thick brick walls, closing myself off from what is about to hurt me. Disconnecting myself from the world, kind of.

Maybe it’s a part of my ongoing bouts of depression. The disconnecting myself. I have my ups and downs. My brain doesn’t want to think or deal with the loss of my grandparents… And I still struggle with some of the pains of my past. I struggle with letting go of K. And of not thinking about J and how things are with his new baby. I hate the reminders that I see everywhere that remind me of those two. So opposite, the best and worst of my relationships. I wish I didn’t still think about either of them. I wish I wasn’t reminded of them every day, in one way or another.

I’m trying so hard to move on. I’m spending more time with friends, pushing myself to go out and have some fun. I’m trying to set up some dates (well, i have friends who are trying to set me up with people they know anyway). I want to find someone who can take my mind off my past… But I also want it to be meaningful, not just a distraction. But hell, would it really be so terribly bad if I did just have a “distraction” guy? As long as I don’t take it seriously enough to let myself get hurt.

*sigh* I’m just rambling now.. My brain has been so scattered lately.

I promise I’ll try and be back on here more… This is my own form of therapy after all!

xoxo Aly.

Loneliness and loss

Just barely 2 months have passed and my family is preparing for another loss… In may it was my grandpa, and now all the sudden it’s my grandma…

She’s always had health issues and alcoholism, but just all of a sudden, after my grandpa passed, she is shutting down….. I just left the hospital… It’s hard seeing them so withered….

Not to mention the fact that I hate hospitals… They give me major anxiety… Basically I feel like its PTSD from when I had cancer (leukemia) as a child… But that’s another blog!

It’s hard grieving and accepting that I am going to lose another family member so soon… I’m not ready! I’m not recovered from my grandpa yet, and now we are facing this again…. And it’s hard not having anyone in my life to turn to, to comfort me, to hold me…

There is just something about loss that is really bringing out the loneliness in me… I know how hard it is on everyone in my family, but at least they have their partners to comfort them and be there for them during all this… Except me… Losing another family member is making me feel even more alone… Like our circle is getting even smaller, more space and less people around… Does that make any sense??

I feel alone…. I hate it.. I’m not ready to deal with this, go through this again….. And again I have to do it by myself……..

Ill update again soon…

Until next time
Xoxo Aly

Vivid Dreams at 2 am

It’s 2 am on the dot, and I just woke up from one of the most vivid dreams I’ve ever had… I’m wide awake right now, even though I have to be up in less than 4 hours..

It was about J, my last boyfriend, who I was in an unhealthy relationship with. The one who just has a baby with his new manager girlfriend he started almost immediately hooking up with when I dumped him..

I’m still in shock.. Was all that really in my subconscious??

It was soooo detailed. I woke up still feeling angry and hurt. I was screaming at him, slapping him, calling him names.. Mind you, I’ve NEVER hit someone in real life! I was screaming at the girl too. I told her about how he was trying to hook up with me right around when she found out she was pregnant. I cried and apologized to his parents, told them I was thankful to have met them. After talking to the girl and his parent, I go after him and catch him in bed with another girl, a friend of his new gf (an imaginary person my subconscious made up)… I was slapping him across the face. I called him a dick, a piece of shit, an asshole, and I told him how bad it hurt me to find out he got someone pregnant at the same time he was trying to get back and hook up with me… How there was no way I would ever forgive him…

God, it was so real… Was all that really in my subconscious??? I thought I was over J. But there was a lot of anger and resentment in my dream towards him and the girlfriend. Mostly towards him… I mean, I knew it hurt me, the circumstances of it all, but not how deep they went, or just how hurt I was…

Well it’s late, or early depending on how you look at it… I’m guna try and get some sleep before work…

Xoxo Aly.