It’s been a blur the last few weeks. I’ve been M.I.A. Shutting myself off for a while… Or at least trying to..
In my last post two weeks ago, I mentioned my grandma was about to pass.. And she did the very next day. It’s still surreal to me. My brain doesn’t want to go there, not so soon after dealing with my grandpa’s passing two months ago… I’ve been trying to stay the strong one, especially for my mom. But I do have my moments too…
Like thinking of how they won’t be there for my wedding day, or meet my babies when I have them. Or thinking about the coming holidays this year… Thanksgiving and Christmas just won’t be the same…
I feel my wall being back up. It’s like an emotional coping mechanism. At the first sign of pain or heartache, I feel it boom back into existence. Like a virtual Great Wall of China, except 100 times taller, encasing me behind thick brick walls, closing myself off from what is about to hurt me. Disconnecting myself from the world, kind of.
Maybe it’s a part of my ongoing bouts of depression. The disconnecting myself. I have my ups and downs. My brain doesn’t want to think or deal with the loss of my grandparents… And I still struggle with some of the pains of my past. I struggle with letting go of K. And of not thinking about J and how things are with his new baby. I hate the reminders that I see everywhere that remind me of those two. So opposite, the best and worst of my relationships. I wish I didn’t still think about either of them. I wish I wasn’t reminded of them every day, in one way or another.
I’m trying so hard to move on. I’m spending more time with friends, pushing myself to go out and have some fun. I’m trying to set up some dates (well, i have friends who are trying to set me up with people they know anyway). I want to find someone who can take my mind off my past… But I also want it to be meaningful, not just a distraction. But hell, would it really be so terribly bad if I did just have a “distraction” guy? As long as I don’t take it seriously enough to let myself get hurt.
*sigh* I’m just rambling now.. My brain has been so scattered lately.
I promise I’ll try and be back on here more… This is my own form of therapy after all!