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I don’t know how to feel right now. Sometimes you just want more. And sometimes that’s okay…

Tomorrow is the day David is moving… And I texted him wayyy earlier today, and I was hoping we could maybe see each other one more time before he leaves… But no.. He just now texted me back, over 12 hours later, and just an “xo” text.. Nothing in reply to my good morning text and the other stuff I said earlier.

*le sigh* either this is the beginning of the end, or I’m more upset about him leaving that I’m willing to admit.. Or both..?

I think it’s ok for me to want more than a simple “xo”.. Or even more than an unestablished long distance relationship.. I want more than seeing my “partner” once or twice a month.. If I’m that lucky… More than just one text back a day….

And I do deserve more than that.

It’s just a sucky situation all around.. I like him, but how can this really work? It’s not like we have a huge foundation or super close emotional bond there.

I did feel something when we first met. I still do feel comfortable with him.. But I just don’t know if I see it being able to work with him being away…

Should I just cut it off now? Or maybe at least give it a little time to see how it goes once he is actually gone? I mean, I guess I should at least just see how things go before I bail out… Right?

I hate thinking that I’m giving up too soon or not giving David enough of a chance… But I also think that I am maybe looking for an excuse to withdraw so I don’t end up getting hurt..

I don’t know…. I’m rambling on now.. Just wanted to vent a little and get out what I’m feeling at the moment…

Xoxo, Aly

Holding On or Letting Go

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So I’ve mentioned that David is moving in a few short weeks, 2 hours away.. I haven’t seen him, so I haven’t gotten to talk to him about it.. I feel like it should be in person…

But on my own over the past few days I’ve really been thinking about what to do.. We have only been talking for a month. It’s still new. We aren’t boyfriend-girlfriend yet… And now he’s moving… Not super far but it would still be “long distance”. At this point in our “relationship” is it worth it to hold on or is it better to just let it go?

Giving it a try to make it work would be a lot more effort than just simply cutting ties. At this point, I’m not really emotionally invested. Guess my “wall” I always have up is good for something right now.. But I don’t lose if I just walk away now. I don’t risk the pain and heartache that could potentially come from a long distance relationship.

But on the other side, when does anything worth having come without some risks and hard work? I just don’t know if there is enough foundation between David and I to even start a relationship since its going to be long distance. I don’t even know if we know each other enough to be in an official relationship, even without the moving complication!

I like him, I do! But I just don’t know if its worth it at this point… If he were staying here, I would definitely keep talking to him, and I’m sure we would get to the point of being boyfriend-girlfriend. And I know I mentioned in one of my last few blogs that he mentioned me going with him, but again, I haven’t seen him to talk to about it all… That’s just another complication!!

I’m sure I’m over thinking it all, but it’s kind if been stressing me out… I don’t know when I will see him next, but I need to see David and somehow bring up this heavy conversation…

Wish me luck?? Lol

Xoxo Aly

Too Soon

How soon is too soon to talk about moving in together? I’ve maybe known David for a month, and he has decided he is moving back to Tahoe- a town in the mountains about 2 hours away from where we live now. I’m not sure exactly when he is moving- it may be the end of this month or sometime next month…

But he asked me to come with him.. I’m not sure if he was joking or being really serious. Or if he meant a visit/trip there or to move with him.. We didn’t get the chance to discuss it further because he had to head to work.. And it’s been on my mind the last 2 days!

It is really really soon! We are still getting to know each other… But then again, how many times have I wished I could pick up and start over somewhere?! I’m still young, only 25, so I guess now is the time to be spontaneous and have adventures if I’m ever going to…

I don’t know if I should over analyze and question everything about it or if I should just be spontaneous and go with it! Assuming he was serious and does want me to move with him. For now, this is all hypothetical!

Pros- it would be a fun adventure, I would get to be with him (close) and see where things go, its only 2 hours from home, it gets me out of my town filled with memories of J and K…

Cons- it’s very soon, it could not work out between us, it snows there! (Burrr!!!), I wouldn’t know anyone, I’m away from my family, I would have to find a new job…

I don’t know what to do if he was serious.. I obviously plan on talking more about it with him.. Get some clarity.. See what he is wanting and where this thing between us is going.. We aren’t even officially dating!

A mutual friend suggested waiting until like January and then maybe moving up there.. That would give us more time to get to know one another and show one way or another if he makes and effort to keep in contact with me.. Distance could make or break us since we are such a new “couple”.

I guess I’ll just have to wait until we get to talk more about it…

Until next time-
Xoxo Aly.

Closed Off

Part of me wonders, as I venture into this new “relationship” with David, if I am too closed off to have a successful relationship right now. Like I’m so used to being alone (as much as I may complain about it sometimes) for the last year and 9 months that I’ve grown used to being completely independent and shut off from any form of open communication and intimacy. I feel like I’ve just grown used to being this way.. And I don’t know how to change it.

I’m used to just doing me. Doing what I want, whenever I want. I’ve grown kind of distant because i haven’t had anyone around to be close to, and I’m struggling in the transition… I think maybe part of me is scared to really open up. It’s still new to me. I am having to get used to being comfortable and open with another person again. And I don’t want to get hurt, or get too invested too soon if it ends up not working out. Standoffish comes to mind, at least where my emotions are concerned… Physically I feel very relaxed and comfortable around him.. I just have this wall up around my heart, disconnecting my emotions from it all..

David has been really sick, so i haven’t seen him for the last week and a half. Which is kind of hard when it’s so new and we are still in the beginning stages of a “relationship.” Hopefully I will get to see him within the next couple days though..

But something I kind of noticed the last couple times we hung out is that we aren’t opening up and getting to know each other. I think I’m just out of practice. How do you do it without feeling like an interrogator?! I just feel like I’m so stiff.. What’s your favorite color? What kind of music do you like? What’s your favorite book? ect. I want to get to know this guy but I just feel awkward trying to ask questions!

Does anyone have any advice to help me??

xoxo Aly.