Neglect

When it comes down to it, feeling neglected is my downfall. Once I begin to feel it, I’m over it. It’s too late. I’m gone.

I don’t know why, but it just popped into my head out of the blue. Such a moment of clarity. An epiphany. And in every relationship I’ve been in, this is why I walked away. From each and every one…

All I did was go see a movie by myself. “Gone Girl” which was absolutely amazing. Best movie I’ve seen in a long time… But back to my realization…

It was true for my first boyfriend, back in high school. I felt unwanted and neglected. And I immediately went off and started dating a friend to make him jealous.

That second guy, I don’t really count. He was a rebound. Barely dated 2 months, and then I left him to go back to the first boyfriend. I’ll spare you the details, but that was such a mistake. First guy was crazy and the relationship was very unhealthy…

And then there was K. It was a fairytale, at first. I fell hard and fast. And somehow it was absolutely, throughly real. Until I began to feel neglected. I felt alone and unwanted. And because of my own issues, I couldn’t communicate at all about how i was feeling, so I found attention elsewhere. I met J, and felt wanted again. And so I gave up and walked away from K.

And then I felt like i had to stick in there with J, because he was the reason I left K, partially. I felt like I left something so good, that I had to make this new relationship better, work better, last… Even though realistically, I never felt more alone or not myself than when I was with J. I couldn’t be me.

It took a long time, but when I finally left, it was as if I were literally waking up out of a coma. Somehow 3 and a half years of my life passed by. I had lived as if in a dream, or coma, as I said before. I was a shell. Depressed, isolated, withdrawn.

And once I finally worked up the courage to leave, it was like waking up, seeing the sunshine for the first time in years. My eyes opened. And all of the hurt and pain I felt, especially from how I walked away from K, came rushing back like it had happened yesterday. I don’t know anyone who has ever been in a coma, but I honestly feel like this is how it would be for them…

And I think that Neglect is why I am pulling away from David now. At least, my perception of feeling neglected, not so much that he really is. I did hear from him today, but the conversation never finished. He just stopped replying to me, several hours ago… And it makes me feel unwanted and left alone. Every girl wants to feel wanted, valued, appreciated… It does nothing to make me want to make it work. It doesn’t make me want to open up and make myself vulnerable to him…

It makes me want to pull back further.

Or go away completely.

But I guess all I can say is to be wary of your partners. Neglect is like a poison.. It’s an acid that can corrode away your relationship.. Be aware, and have empathy. Show them you love them. Communicate. And treat them how you would want to be treated…

Heaven grant I listen to my own advice one day…

Xoxo Aly.

If you could live anywhere…

Where would you choose to live?

I always think about where I would move to, if I could.. Realistic places or not..

Realistically, I would love to move to Southern California- closer to disneyland!! I am definitely a disneyland freak!

In my dreams, I could see myself in Hawaii, or maybe Italy or France.. Hawaii would be more likely than moving overseas but hey, a girl can dream right?!

So where would you move to, if you could? Close or far. Realistic or not..

🙂

Xoxo Aly

Lost and Confused

I’ve spent a lot of time the last two days asking myself a lot of deep questions.. I’m trying to connect my thoughts and my emotions. I think I’ve just gotten used to ignoring what I’m feeling because for the longest time, K was all that was on my mind and in my heart and it just became too painful.

I physically felt like I had a huge hole through my gut and a thousand knives stabbing my heart… And I felt like that for months and months before it started to go away. Even now, when I feel that sadness and regret from that situation with K, I reject the pain, push it down and away so that hole doesn’t come back and swallow me up.

But then again, I torture myself by checking K’s Facebook page. I do a few times a week.. Call me crazy, call me a stalker.. I can’t help it. Maybe I do it because I need to know if anything changes, like if he gets engaged or even becomes single again. Either way. I need to know before someone else has to tell me. Or maybe I do it because I’m hoping constantly seeing him happy and still with his girlfriend will eventually make me get it through my thick skull that it is over and there is no hope of it ever changing.

Anyway…. I closed myself off. I got used to being alone and not being intimately open with anyone.

And then I met David. And I thought I felt something. First time I saw him, I had this weird feeling all over. Nerves and happy and pleasantly surprised (because it was a blind date). And he was refreshingly nice and polite and complimentary and cute. I was physically attracted to him, but also taking to him during our first date we just had so much in common personality wise… I was excited at the potential that was there…

And then he got sick and I didn’t see him for like 10 days. After a week of talking, that kind of put a damper on things.. And I have been worried and reserved because I didn’t want to fall too hard too fast. And then he decided to move back to Tahoe…. And because I knew he was leaving I kept myself from getting too attached..

So I’ve been questioning if its even worth it now. I’ve kept him at arms length and now maybe I have pushed him away too far for me to now invest my time and emotions in him, regardless of how I first felt… Maybe I sabotaged this.

And there is always K in the back of my mind. Why can’t I get rid of it? Is it for a reason? Is it an excuse not to get into anything with a new guy? I have never felt anything close to how deeply and thoroughly in love I was with K, before or since. It was real love.. And maybe I’m wrong for comparing everything to that one relationship.. But how I felt when I was with him is how I want to feel when I find my Mr Right.

But then again, if I don’t open up how can I ever feel that close to someone? You have to open up and communicate and let people in if I’m going to feel intimate and fall in love again.

Easier said than done…

I don’t know if its possible to be close to David now that he’s moved.. Should I just cut my losses and let it go? Or should I just try to open up and see where it goes?

I haven’t even heard from him in 2 days. Nothing since he moved. Even before he would at least text me good morning it good night, or an “I’m thinking about you”… And I am not going to text him first. He is the one who moved, and he should be the one to make more of an effort to reach out to me.. Agree or disagree you guys??

But at the end of the day, I’m just confused.. I’m trying to figure out what I want.. I mean, I know I want love, and if I could be guaranteed I was with the right one, I would want to settle down and have kids right away.. But more specifically, I don’t know what to do about David and my residual, lingering, persisting feelings about K.

End ramble..

Xoxo guys!
Aly