Lost and Confused

I’ve spent a lot of time the last two days asking myself a lot of deep questions.. I’m trying to connect my thoughts and my emotions. I think I’ve just gotten used to ignoring what I’m feeling because for the longest time, K was all that was on my mind and in my heart and it just became too painful.

I physically felt like I had a huge hole through my gut and a thousand knives stabbing my heart… And I felt like that for months and months before it started to go away. Even now, when I feel that sadness and regret from that situation with K, I reject the pain, push it down and away so that hole doesn’t come back and swallow me up.

But then again, I torture myself by checking K’s Facebook page. I do a few times a week.. Call me crazy, call me a stalker.. I can’t help it. Maybe I do it because I need to know if anything changes, like if he gets engaged or even becomes single again. Either way. I need to know before someone else has to tell me. Or maybe I do it because I’m hoping constantly seeing him happy and still with his girlfriend will eventually make me get it through my thick skull that it is over and there is no hope of it ever changing.

Anyway…. I closed myself off. I got used to being alone and not being intimately open with anyone.

And then I met David. And I thought I felt something. First time I saw him, I had this weird feeling all over. Nerves and happy and pleasantly surprised (because it was a blind date). And he was refreshingly nice and polite and complimentary and cute. I was physically attracted to him, but also taking to him during our first date we just had so much in common personality wise… I was excited at the potential that was there…

And then he got sick and I didn’t see him for like 10 days. After a week of talking, that kind of put a damper on things.. And I have been worried and reserved because I didn’t want to fall too hard too fast. And then he decided to move back to Tahoe…. And because I knew he was leaving I kept myself from getting too attached..

So I’ve been questioning if its even worth it now. I’ve kept him at arms length and now maybe I have pushed him away too far for me to now invest my time and emotions in him, regardless of how I first felt… Maybe I sabotaged this.

And there is always K in the back of my mind. Why can’t I get rid of it? Is it for a reason? Is it an excuse not to get into anything with a new guy? I have never felt anything close to how deeply and thoroughly in love I was with K, before or since. It was real love.. And maybe I’m wrong for comparing everything to that one relationship.. But how I felt when I was with him is how I want to feel when I find my Mr Right.

But then again, if I don’t open up how can I ever feel that close to someone? You have to open up and communicate and let people in if I’m going to feel intimate and fall in love again.

Easier said than done…

I don’t know if its possible to be close to David now that he’s moved.. Should I just cut my losses and let it go? Or should I just try to open up and see where it goes?

I haven’t even heard from him in 2 days. Nothing since he moved. Even before he would at least text me good morning it good night, or an “I’m thinking about you”… And I am not going to text him first. He is the one who moved, and he should be the one to make more of an effort to reach out to me.. Agree or disagree you guys??

But at the end of the day, I’m just confused.. I’m trying to figure out what I want.. I mean, I know I want love, and if I could be guaranteed I was with the right one, I would want to settle down and have kids right away.. But more specifically, I don’t know what to do about David and my residual, lingering, persisting feelings about K.

End ramble..

Xoxo guys!

6 thoughts on “Lost and Confused

  1. I would just see how it goes with the guy who has moved away. If he cares about you he will get in touch. And about the precious guy, seems like he’s moved on and you are entitled to too. Times a healer and I’m sure things will clear in time 🙂

    • I agree! With all you’ve said here… I’m tying to just take things as they come with David, who is the one that moved away.. And i’m trying to move on and let go of the other guy.. It’s been 2 years and these feeling still bubble up.. I wish I could make it happen faster, but I know eventually I will get over that situation..

      Thank you so much!
      xoxo Aly

  2. Oh dear aly 😦 I’m sad reading this because I know what you’re thinking and feeling, please don’t think my reply on my blog was one that could be misinterpreted I hope you know I mean my replies and comments in nice and positive ways, I don’t know what to say about David, go with your heart/gut, because what if you cut it off and regret it? Or cut it off and K does do what could possibly happen?, I create scenarios sometimes in my head of the very last time I spoke to Scarlett and people will laugh but I wish I told her that I fucked up and I was too proud and just let her go, I should have been stubborn and fought, but then again it’s not a thing of forgetting about her because I never will but WE, have to move on… I mean personally I honestly don’t see myself finding anyone new because I promised myself that Scarlett was the last girl for me, she knew it and when we split and became “friends” she always tried mentioning other girlfriends Etc and I used to laugh because I had and have the same thoughts and feelings as you do for K and they are hard to shake off….

    You do deserve more in respects that he should be working his ass off to impress you and make you feel wanted and that he’s thinking of you and I hope he doesn’t get complacent and not do all the things that he did to “win you” if you get me?

    It’s not over till its over, and if you need a rant or a chat you always know where I am and even if you don’t want my opinion and you just want me to listen I’m here for you, sending you love and hugs from across the pond

    Your friends,

    GS xoxo

    • I absolutely know you always mean to be positive! And you definitely are! I always look forward to your comments on my blog!! And, as they should, you always make me think more about how I’m feeling and give me different perspectives on things.. I greatly appreciate you and I feel so lucky to have a friend like you on here.. 🙂

      I’m going to stick it out with David, for at least a month.. Just give it a chance to see how things go.. but right now, I’ve kept myself so reserved that I don’t think i would even regret ending things… I haven’t allowed myself to get attached. And if K does get engaged or something like that, hopefully that would be enough to make me finally accept that he and I will never happen again.. Does that make me sound like a masochist? Maybe the pain of it would help me move on…

      I can sympathize with replaying your last conversation with Scarlett.. I have done that numerous times with K.. I can still see and hear everything the day I chose to give up and leave K. Biggest regret ever.. But I can at least say that I’ve gotten to get everything off my chest and tell him how badly I regret it, in the two times I had text conversations with him… So I guess I’ve really done all I can do. I got to tell him everything I have felt and why I gave up and basically everything except say outright I would want another chance.

      As for David, it’s now been 3 full days without a word from him. And it’s just in my personality to be stubborn, so there is no way I am going to message him first. I’d rather just wait and see how long it takes… Maybe I’m a control freak? lol. But I just want to know more about what is going on in his head than anything.. Maybe even more than actually hearing from him.. Like maybe he is now up there and just is enjoying his freedom and doesn’t want to focus on a girl 2 hours away… So I guess i’ll just wait and see how long it takes, or what he says when he finally does message me..

      Much love from across the pond in California
      xoxo Aly

      • That’s okay then 🙂 I was worried that I might have said something wrong (I always write late at night (it’s 3:10am here) and I can’t sleep haha, bless you I can safely say the same with you I’m greatful for you and few others on here who’s made me and my struggles a lot easier to swallow and tackle!

        I think you’re doing the right thing seeing it out and be stubborn! you have every right to be and you’re testing seeing how much he cares, always see every side to the coin, he may struggle settling back, might still be in the transition of moving things and creating a routine BUT that’s no exercise to not throw any text or comment out there…. So it’s confusing I guess…. But don’t worry too much he will text you it’s just a matter of when 🙂

        I don’t think it makes you anything in regards to K…. It’s the hardest thing I’ve EVER gone through, apart from losing my grandad it’s a pain and a sting I just can’t seem to shake off, I still feel like its unresolved and unsaid like we left on such weird terms that I feel like my part wasn’t said/unfinished

        I guess you’re fortunate that K knows the deal, and you’ve said what was needed to say before you burst from keeping it in!, I think it’s a very healthy thing and I honestly believe that whilst you’re living your life and seeing where it takes you if it’s meant to happen it will and it’ll come back round and if it doesn’t then you/we will have to deal with just getting on with our life and trying to move on…

        I don’t think you’re a control freak at all, it’d be worse if you were constantly sending him texts and him not replying if that makes sense? Saying that 2 hours isn’t that far of a distance, I know that it may seem different in sunny California than England but I’m sure that distance doesn’t affect too much surely?

        You’re doing everything right aly and I know you have a lot whizzing through your Mind but wait till he texts, see what he says and try to have a conversation with him enough to pick his Brain and seeing how he feels about everything and EXPECT every and any answer so that good or bad you’re in the right frame of mind to take on the next stages wether it’s cutting it off or seeing where it goes, it’s hard starting a fresh and being in this situation and I take my hat off to you for it 🙂 you’re doing great and I want you to know that!

        Keep smiling and everything happens for a reason! I promise you that

        G.S xoxo

      • Wow that’s so late!! It’s just after 8 pm here.. 😛

        I figured the first day he was just getting settled in, but then I saw on his Facebook that the last 2 days he has been out hiking and mountain biking… Obviously he has enough time to go out, for two days in a row, so shouldn’t he have a moment to send me a text message?

        As for distance, 2 hours isn’t too bad, except we don’t get the same days off work, and I work mornings and he works evenings.. So it’s just more having time for me to go up there or for him to come down here. I think it’s going to prove almost impossible to align our schedules enough to see each other more than once or twice a month.. And is that going to be enough for me?

        I’m trying to do things the right way.. I’m trying to move on from K and explore dating. And even if it’s not K or David, the right one will come along eventually…

        xoxo Aly

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