I’ve spent a lot of time the last two days asking myself a lot of deep questions.. I’m trying to connect my thoughts and my emotions. I think I’ve just gotten used to ignoring what I’m feeling because for the longest time, K was all that was on my mind and in my heart and it just became too painful.
I physically felt like I had a huge hole through my gut and a thousand knives stabbing my heart… And I felt like that for months and months before it started to go away. Even now, when I feel that sadness and regret from that situation with K, I reject the pain, push it down and away so that hole doesn’t come back and swallow me up.
But then again, I torture myself by checking K’s Facebook page. I do a few times a week.. Call me crazy, call me a stalker.. I can’t help it. Maybe I do it because I need to know if anything changes, like if he gets engaged or even becomes single again. Either way. I need to know before someone else has to tell me. Or maybe I do it because I’m hoping constantly seeing him happy and still with his girlfriend will eventually make me get it through my thick skull that it is over and there is no hope of it ever changing.
Anyway…. I closed myself off. I got used to being alone and not being intimately open with anyone.
And then I met David. And I thought I felt something. First time I saw him, I had this weird feeling all over. Nerves and happy and pleasantly surprised (because it was a blind date). And he was refreshingly nice and polite and complimentary and cute. I was physically attracted to him, but also taking to him during our first date we just had so much in common personality wise… I was excited at the potential that was there…
And then he got sick and I didn’t see him for like 10 days. After a week of talking, that kind of put a damper on things.. And I have been worried and reserved because I didn’t want to fall too hard too fast. And then he decided to move back to Tahoe…. And because I knew he was leaving I kept myself from getting too attached..
So I’ve been questioning if its even worth it now. I’ve kept him at arms length and now maybe I have pushed him away too far for me to now invest my time and emotions in him, regardless of how I first felt… Maybe I sabotaged this.
And there is always K in the back of my mind. Why can’t I get rid of it? Is it for a reason? Is it an excuse not to get into anything with a new guy? I have never felt anything close to how deeply and thoroughly in love I was with K, before or since. It was real love.. And maybe I’m wrong for comparing everything to that one relationship.. But how I felt when I was with him is how I want to feel when I find my Mr Right.
But then again, if I don’t open up how can I ever feel that close to someone? You have to open up and communicate and let people in if I’m going to feel intimate and fall in love again.
Easier said than done…
I don’t know if its possible to be close to David now that he’s moved.. Should I just cut my losses and let it go? Or should I just try to open up and see where it goes?
I haven’t even heard from him in 2 days. Nothing since he moved. Even before he would at least text me good morning it good night, or an “I’m thinking about you”… And I am not going to text him first. He is the one who moved, and he should be the one to make more of an effort to reach out to me.. Agree or disagree you guys??
But at the end of the day, I’m just confused.. I’m trying to figure out what I want.. I mean, I know I want love, and if I could be guaranteed I was with the right one, I would want to settle down and have kids right away.. But more specifically, I don’t know what to do about David and my residual, lingering, persisting feelings about K.