Neglect

When it comes down to it, feeling neglected is my downfall. Once I begin to feel it, I’m over it. It’s too late. I’m gone.

I don’t know why, but it just popped into my head out of the blue. Such a moment of clarity. An epiphany. And in every relationship I’ve been in, this is why I walked away. From each and every one…

All I did was go see a movie by myself. “Gone Girl” which was absolutely amazing. Best movie I’ve seen in a long time… But back to my realization…

It was true for my first boyfriend, back in high school. I felt unwanted and neglected. And I immediately went off and started dating a friend to make him jealous.

That second guy, I don’t really count. He was a rebound. Barely dated 2 months, and then I left him to go back to the first boyfriend. I’ll spare you the details, but that was such a mistake. First guy was crazy and the relationship was very unhealthy…

And then there was K. It was a fairytale, at first. I fell hard and fast. And somehow it was absolutely, throughly real. Until I began to feel neglected. I felt alone and unwanted. And because of my own issues, I couldn’t communicate at all about how i was feeling, so I found attention elsewhere. I met J, and felt wanted again. And so I gave up and walked away from K.

And then I felt like i had to stick in there with J, because he was the reason I left K, partially. I felt like I left something so good, that I had to make this new relationship better, work better, last… Even though realistically, I never felt more alone or not myself than when I was with J. I couldn’t be me.

It took a long time, but when I finally left, it was as if I were literally waking up out of a coma. Somehow 3 and a half years of my life passed by. I had lived as if in a dream, or coma, as I said before. I was a shell. Depressed, isolated, withdrawn.

And once I finally worked up the courage to leave, it was like waking up, seeing the sunshine for the first time in years. My eyes opened. And all of the hurt and pain I felt, especially from how I walked away from K, came rushing back like it had happened yesterday. I don’t know anyone who has ever been in a coma, but I honestly feel like this is how it would be for them…

And I think that Neglect is why I am pulling away from David now. At least, my perception of feeling neglected, not so much that he really is. I did hear from him today, but the conversation never finished. He just stopped replying to me, several hours ago… And it makes me feel unwanted and left alone. Every girl wants to feel wanted, valued, appreciated… It does nothing to make me want to make it work. It doesn’t make me want to open up and make myself vulnerable to him…

It makes me want to pull back further.

Or go away completely.

But I guess all I can say is to be wary of your partners. Neglect is like a poison.. It’s an acid that can corrode away your relationship.. Be aware, and have empathy. Show them you love them. Communicate. And treat them how you would want to be treated…

Heaven grant I listen to my own advice one day…

Xoxo Aly.

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3 thoughts on “Neglect

  1. I feel like our own advice is the only advice we won’t take. Well we won’t take it unless we hear it from someone else.

  2. I hope you can see the positives in all that you have written, you have come to alot of self realisation about the guys you’ve had in your life and how you’ve felt through the relationships and really being honest and I admire that also you know what you want in a man and you will find that, never settle for less or drop and standard or value, keep taking your time and do what’s right for you, I hope since you posted this that things are getting better for you

    I just wanted you to know I’m still checking and hoping all things go well! I’m sending you hugs,love and positive vibes dearest aly!

    G.S xoxox

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