I go through periods of having very vivid, realistic, memorable dreams, and then I have times where I can’t remember any dream for months.
And I guess now is one of former.
Twice this week, I’ve had several vivid dreams per night. I always wake up after each one before falling back asleep and into another one… And for some reason, most of my dreams have been negative.. Not like nightmares, but just not good dreams…
One, borderline nightmare, my mom found and read all the posts from a previous blog site I used. I don’t tell my family members, or really anyone, that I blog. To me, it’s my private journal. I don’t particularly fear anyone reading or finding them… But I think this dream was more a flashback to when I was with J. He found my blog and made me let him read it all, as I was hysterically crying for hours. I was literally huddled under the covers crying because I knew he wouldn’t like most of what I wrote/had to say. He was pissed… But it was really more about how much he shattered me and took away everything from me. I wasn’t allowed to have a private thought. He stripped me bare, took away my soul, against my will.
I try not to think about that. I’ve healed, and I’m away from him now. But I still feel myself scarred from that experience…
I also dreamt about J and his newest baby momma/girlfriend.. I remember feeling hurt and angry towards him. And I needed to tell the new girl about how dirty and disgusting he is.. Like how we was texting me sexy dirty things, trying to plan hooking up with me, literally during the time she was getting pregnant and finding out she was pregnant. Did she know that? It doesn’t matter now.. And I don’t really care about him or her, but I think this dream is because I felt so used, misled, and dumb for almost falling for his sly, dirty tricks… God.. That was the guy I was with for 3 1/2 years… If he could do that to her, what could he have done behind my back? Without me knowing??
I hate feeling dumb or being made to look stupid. I hate feeling vulnerable. And he stomped all over me. I’m just glad we never did anything more than just talk/text over the phone….
Lastly, big surprise here, I dreamt about K. His girlfriend, or I guess I should say fiancé now, was gone at work or something.. And we happened to run into each other somewhere and ended up just hanging out. It was at his house, we were laying on his bed, but it wasn’t sexual in any sense. He was sitting up against the wall on his bed and I was laying opposite. My feet by his head, my head near his feet. And we were just taking. Laughing. Enjoying being together.. But I knew I had to go before his girlfriend got back, so she wouldn’t be mad…
I woke up after this one, feeling sad.. I’m still hurting over him. I’m still hurting that he proposed. I’m still upset about the last time I texted him in May or whatever, begging him to be honest and tell me straight out that there was no chance for us ever again, and him beating around the bush and not straight out saying it. When obviously he had been saving up and probably already planning to propose to Liz. It hurts.. And i am finding it hard to move on..
I wish it could just be easier. He has proposed to her! Why am I still wanting him? It’s been 5 years since we broke up. 2 years since I realized my mistakes and that I wanted another chance with him…..
His birthday is coming up I like 3 weeks… The last two years, I’ve texted him just a small happy birthday text.. And last year it led to an all night text conversation…. Every fiber of my being wants to text him again this year… Just to see what, if anything, he would reply. Would we text all night again? Would I get my closure?
But I don’t know if I should. I want to, but maybe I have to force myself not to. Maybe I need to just not do it. Maybe it’ll hurt me too much. But I know he is going to be on my mind all that day, and I know that I am going to think about texting him every second of that day.
I want to, but do I need to? I want to talk to him. I want closure, or something, to help me let go and move on.
I don’t know…
Sorry, this is turning into quite a long post!
I’ve also been seeing and continuing to get to know Mat. He seems like a good guy, but I am not letting myself open up very much. I don’t know if I feel a physical attraction to him, or just a friendship. It’s been like 3 weeks.. A month maybe? And I’m still not sure. And I feel bad that I’m not sure. I can tell he likes me. His attraction and attachment is more than mine to him. My walls are up. I’m still hurting. And maybe that’s why I haven’t felt anything, because I’m not letting myself… But I feel like anything less than feeling fireworks is settling… And I am done settling. Does that make sense, about anything less than fireworks feels like settling?
I feel like I should like him more than I do. He is a good guy. Has a good job. Is a strong Believer. He’s mature but knows how to have fun….
So why don’t I know how i feel about him yet?!
I’m trying to give it a chance. Keep it light and not too serious… But I feel like I’m on a path leading to him asking me to be his girlfriend and I don’t know what I should or will say when it happens!
I hate not knowing what to do… It’s awful.
Well, I think that’s about all I’ve got for tonight… Hope you are all enjoying your weekend!
Maybe it’s a case of the winter blues, or maybe it’s just another lull in my emotional roller coaster.. But I feel so split. Like there are two personalities of me living inside me…
On one hand, I’m still hurting from finding out about K’s engagement. I hate it. I wish I could change it and that I could have another chance with him… Yes, even now, part of me still wishes for that… But I know he’s engaged, therefore he must be happy.. I wish I could be completely over it, if its not meant to be. I pray to be over it everyday…
And part if me feels like maybe K didn’t love me as much as I thought he did. If what we had was real, how could he be fine? I know he wasn’t, for a long time. But if it was as real to him as it was to me, how could he move on so completely?? I’m just being dramatic, I know…. I know he did, but maybe it really just wasn’t as true as I felt it was… We were young… And we all make mistakes…
I feel so sad and hurt because I have changed and grown so much, and he will never know me as the woman I am now… It just makes me sad that he, specifically, won’t ever know me. I finally figured out who I am and it doesn’t do any good to help my broken heart.
But on the other side of my bipolar heart, I am spending more time with Mat.. I’m getting more comfortable with him, but my walls are still up and my heart locked away inside. I feel like a clam- all closed up, impossible to pry open, at least until I feel safe enough to open up on my own.
There is a friendship and companionship there. But I don’t know if I feel romantic feelings towards him.. Maybe I’m still too broken over everything else. Maybe it’s not meant to be with Mat..
I thought I maybe felt a little flicker of something when we hung out tonight… But I don’t just want a “little spark”. I want an overwhelming feeling. I want to feel that strong physical and sexual attraction. I want an inferno. And I know, maybe the little spark could grow into something more.. It’s still early..
I just feel so jaded about love and dating and guys that I tell God that I literally need to be slapped across the face with overwhelming certainty that a guy is the right one for me. I just need a sign to know because I can’t stand to keep opening myself up to people who end up not being right for me and inevitably getting hurt again in the process…
I pray every day for God to guide me and lead me where ever it is that I need to be.
I have faith. I know in my soul He has a plan for me. And it’ll happen in His perfect timing…
Hmm.. I’m exhausted.. It’s past 1 am here, so I guess I’ll end for tonight… Sweet dreams all!
hmm.. So I’ve only written a few short scenes so far… Anyone interested in reading a bit?? This “scene” is not based on my personal life, like some parts will be, and i imagine this will happen later on in the story line…
Well… I guess here goes nothing? Keep in mind this is all still VERY rough. I’ve reread and rewritten parts it several times already…
From the moment I saw him I was drawn to him. My heart races, some unknown drug coursing through my veins, like an electric current, alien to my body. Like a moth to flame, the dark, emptiness of my heart gravitated to all that he was, all that he could offer. A different world, just what my soul needed; an escape from the crushing reality that was my life. How I could possibly know all this about him from across the room, I don’t understand. Only that his piercing blue/green eyes call to the deepest, most carnal part of my soul, a part that I didn’t believe still existed until moments ago.
Lost in a world of my own, a sudden shove from behind shatters my reverie, “Find a different place to stand, Bitch.” My eyes tear away as I stumble out of the way, murmuring a quiet form of apology. I feel a deep blush rise over my cheeks as I glimpse the vixen behind the voice. The woman is tall, blonde and gorgeous in a way that I could never be. From her perfectly curled and pinned up hair, to her six inch black stilettos, every inch of her projected a confidence and sexuality I could only dream of. The black and red corset hugs her body in the most delicious way, accentuating her small waist and ample curves. Her skin tight black pants appeared to be painted on, showing off her long legs, ending right about heels that I would rather go barefoot than chance taking two steps.
I let out a long breath as the woman walks away, without another glance for me, in the dim light of the club towards the bar. Standing near the entrance of the room, what else could I expect? Unwillingly, my eyes draw back to the man in the black suit. I expect to find his attention back on the group of people at his booth, but instead he seemed to have been watching the entire time. He is leaning forward now, elbow resting on his left leg; his forefinger gently moves back and forth across his lower lip, thumb resting on his chin. His gaze lingers for a moment more before returning to the small group of people surrounding him.
So that’s it for now… Any thoughts? I’m curious and excited to get some feed back!
A beautiful feature post by Single Strides.
From one hopeless romantic to another… I’m sure you’re anxiously waiting for the moment you’ve spent your whole life dreaming of. You’re likely patiently waiting for the moment that drowns you like a wave of thrilling passions. You find your breath somewhere in the depths of those three words: I love you. You wait for the moment that you fall and never again try to rise. Instead you create a life in the depths of your heart and in between the tesseracts of togetherness.
By the time that you meet I’m sure you would both have had your share of heartbreak, disappointment, and regret. Yet I am certain of something else as well… Once you meet them, none of it will matter. Once you meet, you will belong to each other like the ocean belongs to the shore – forever anchored…
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So… I’ve started drawing out ideas for my book.. Gathering names and character profiles, and I’ve even started writing a few small scenes.. Even if nothing ever comes from this, I’m enjoying the distraction that it’s giving me.. I can lose myself in this. And I’m content to let myself do so…
I realized I really hate dating. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.. Sure, I may get a free drink or meal out of it, but I just hate the whole business.. Getting to know someone new, opening up, investing time… And then it all ends out to be for nothing, then on to the next, rewind and repeat. I hate feeling like I’m being fake or being reserved because I’m trying to impress and get to know some new guy and I don’t want to scare him off too soon. And then if I completely be myself, all sarcastic and sometimes pessimistic and whatnot, I feel like it’s not attractive to a new guy to see, so maybe he’ll lose interest. So then I’m back to not showing who I am 100% and it’s exhausting!!! Thinking about what is ok to do or say, and “oh darn! I should not have said that- I sounded like a bitch there for a second.. I hope he didn’t notice!”
Ugh. I’ve seen Mat 3 times within the last week. He is nice… But I don’t know if I feel anything. I haven’t had an urge to kiss him.. We did hold hands last night for a few minutes, but I felt like it was awkward and forced.. He seemed natural with it- he was running his thumb across my fingers gently…
I just don’t know.. I wish dating wasn’t so complicated.
Anyway. I’m glad I am starting this book project.. We’ll see what comes of it…
So… I’ve been thinking lately… About writing a novel… It would obviously be a HUGE undertaking.. But I really almost feel a pull to do it…
I’m still brainstorming ideas.. Maybe something loosely reflective of my own past and heartbreaks… Maybe something similar to the story of K and me. I feel like putting myself in an objective, outsider’s stand point while also getting out everything that I have personally been feeling and experiencing.. Maybe it would help me heal. To (kind of) tell my story in a fiction form novel..
Idk.. maybe it sounds kind of crazy… Or stupid…
I have a few ideas of how i would write it.. Make it different and stand out…
Just something to think about…
I was talking to some coworkers today about Mat and how completely opposite he is to David. And I was telling them I wasn’t sure if he was my “type” or not, but then I got to thinking… I don’t even know if I really do have a “type” of man or not…
Seriously, all 4 of my boyfriends were soooo different! And the other guys I have talked to have all been different from each other and from my exes.. Some have had tattoos (3 guys), David and J included. Some have been tall, some barely taller than me. Some athletic, some not. Really, I wish I had pictures of all of them so I could show you guys!
But anyway. I’ve been saying that I’m not sure Mat is my type, but really is that just a cop out for me? I haven’t limited myself by saying it, because I have still been feeling things out with Mat. Texting, talking, and another date just 2 days ago.. But am I putting the false idea in my brain/subconscious that it can’t work with him because of x, y, and z? Maybe I’m sabotaging things by telling people and myself that he doesn’t fit into a certain category I “like”.
I feel like it’s practically hypocritical of me to say he (or any other guy who may come along) isn’t my “type” because I haven’t dated any two guys who were close to similar to each other!
And while Mat is very opposite from my last guy David, I think that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, obviously things didn’t work out with David, so maybe it’s beneficial for me to change it up in the next guy I talk to..
But can I confess something? I think Mat is starting to grow on me, but if I had it my way, the guy I would end up with would look different. I’ve had this image in my head of looks and traits my guy would have. Love of country music, for one. Someone I could go to a country concert with and would sing all the songs with me. Not to mention, i’ve always imagined living in the country, with some land and animals. I’m a born and raised city girl, but I love the country lifestyle.. And another thing.. It may sound silly, but I would want a guy with blue or green eyes… My nieces and nephew have the biggest blue eyes, and I would want my own babies to have blue eyes.. I have dark blue eyes, but I feel like if my guy had blue or green eyes, our children would definitely too.. Superficial, I know.. I just picture my babies that way in my mind…
Not necessarily that these things really matter, it’s just the way I would have them if it were up to me.. And again, I’m not limiting myself! I’m not going to rule out someone just because they have brown eyes or don’t like country music. That would be stupid..
I feel like I’m not making very much sense… I guess I just mean that if I could custom order my perfect guy, he would be different. And obviously, I’m not going to rule out a guy just because he doesn’t look like my planned out Ken Doll. lol
Well enough of my rambles.. Hope everyone has a nice weekend!
Date #2 last night with Mat went very well! My eye was barely red anymore, and other than my being limited to only wearing glasses (versus contact lenses) it went exactly how I would have liked it to! I’m still a bit undecided about whether or not I could see myself in a successful relationship with him, but last night we got to talk a lot more and get to know each other a little better…
I met him at his house (which was very clean and cute for a bachelor pad), then we went to a wine bar and each had a glass of wine. I was still feeling nervous and shy, so I told him and said it can take me a while to feel comfortable and open up around new people.. I think I came off a little awkward in that moment tho.. Oh well.. He said it was cute. Then we stopped at a coffee shop and got some drinks togo to take back to his place so we could talk.
We sat on his couch and he had one some oldies music, very romantic in a subtle way… We talked for like 2 and a half hours.. He put my legs over his lap and he was kind of gently rubbing/massaging my lower legs.. Wait, that sounds kind of creepy and like he was trying to cop-a-feel, but it wasn’t weird at all! He walked me to my car, and we hugged goodbye.. No kisses, no hanky panky..
I feel like because I am still hurting and getting over K’s engagement, I really need to take things very slow and mild. I’m not even sure if I am ready since my heart was breaking just a week and a half ago. Or if I could see myself really being with him.. Sure, we seemed to hit it off last night and I had a great night just talking with him and laughing.. But I’m just not sure if I feel anything.. I’m trying to be open, and I am planning on seeing him again though.
Keeping an open mind and a semi open heart.
On that note, here is one of my favorite songs right now, that totally resonates with me…
I’m starting to think I may be jinxed.. Saturday night I had a first date/double date with new guy Mat. He’s cute and seemed nice and polite, but I’m not sure yet if I feel attracted to him or if he could be someone I would date… He’s really good friends with the other couple we went out with, so during the date, I felt like he was mostly talking to them.. We didn’t really get a chance to talk much one on one.
But dinner went good, except for the fact I somehow got something in my eye that resulted in me having to go to the ER the next morning! ugh! My eye started hurting like something was in it, and it turned BRIGHT red.. So embarrassing.. I kept having to excuse myself to go to the restroom to try and get it out.. I felt awful for having to keep leaving, and self conscious of my tomato red eye… But I didn’t let it ruin the night- we continued on to a Whisky Bar (no whiskey for me- just not for me) and we stopped at a small chocolate shop, then went back to the other couple’s house and played Cards Against Humanity for a while..
By the end of the night, my eye was unbearable… Anyway, at the ER they said i had 2 deep scratches that I couldn’t have caused myself (like by my nails or rubbing) so I’m not allowed to wear my contacts for a week or two, and I have some antibiotic eye drops to put in 4x a day until it’s healed.. What an ordeal!
Remember that horrible, awful date I went on with C a few months back? Yeah you know, the one where I basically accidentally drugged myself?? First that, now scratched up eye!? I think I’m jinxed when it comes to first dates… Except David, our first date went really good but then it turned out he barely ever contacted me once he moved, so whatever.. Moving on from him!
Mat’s ears must have been ringing, because he just called me to tell me about a movie he just saw and how crazy it was.. I must say, he has been texting me on and off every day since our date.. Nice change from Mr Lame-o David before…
I’m going to try and give it a shot.. Just see if we have anything in common, if I feel any connection.. Looks wise, he’s cute… But not really my type.. I usually like guys a little taller, maybe some facial hair, tattoos, blue eyes preferably.. He’s a little taller than me, and he has a cute roundish face and dimples.. But because of his career, I don’t think he can have facial hair.. And I didn’t notice any tattoos. And he has brown eyes.. Not to be superficial, but it’s just not my typical look of guys I go for.. But as I said, i’m going to try and get to know him more before making up my mind.. Looks are just the outside. It’s what inside that matters most..
But because of how clean cut he looks, I’m not sure if I’m really his type either… I mean, I look like a cute blonde hair blue eyed girl, but I have 5 tattoos (most are hidden), but I need a guy that’s not only going to be ok with me having these tattoos, but also be ok with the fact that I AM going to get more.. And probably more visible ones.. Maybe a half sleeve at some point… I just don’t think I can date someone who is too conservative in that aspect..
I guess we’ll see what happens.. It’s only been 3 days. Maybe date 2 won’t be so jinxed… lol