My Deepest Dread come True

I was going to get on here and tell you all about my last few weeks and the wonderful time I had on a vacation/holiday. But instead I need to get out my hurt and pain. K is engaged. I saw it right before I came on here to post about my cruise trip.

My heart feel like it’s been stabbed by an icicle. Or seared with a white hot fire poker. I tried to prepare myself for this… I knew it would come, someday. But it hurts so bad. I felt like i was punched in the gut. I felt like I was going to pass out and throw up at the same time. I couldn’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

It’s kind of ironic because just earlier today I was talking to a friend who is going through a rough break up about how I sometimes think about how different my life would be today if I hadn’t broken up with K. How I’m sure we would have been married and maybe even had a baby by now…

God…. I wish it didn’t hurt so bad… Just after getting home from my trip, I should be happy.. and all I feel now is like my heart is broken all over again. I can’t stop crying…

My regret is just overwhelming. I did this. I was too late.. It’s my fault that I’m here in this situation… God, I can’t help but hate myself a little bit.. I know, it all happened so long ago, and I was young, but if I hadn’t been so fucked up, we could have worked it out, and it would be me he was marrying… Not her. It’s unbearable. I don’t know how to deal with this.

I just feel like I was finally free of my depression, and now I’m probably going to spiral back into it. I feel sick to my stomach.

He proposed in July, and either just now put it up, or it just now became visible for me since I’m not Facebook friends with him.

Oh God… I’m just going to go.. I don’t know what else to say.

-A.

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