Deal with It

Fml.

I’m trying not to think about it, but I can’t help it. He wants to marry her.
Not me. He proposed. She is going to have his babies.

God I wish I hadn’t been so stupid… I blame myself. I deserve to feel how i do.

I broke his heart, and mine, and now I’m getting what I deserve.

I’m probably being overly dramatic, but it’s still how I feel.

I did this to myself.

Did I really expect him to want to try again? After how I hurt him?

No, I don’t think I did.

But I hoped. And the 3 times I texted him, how he responded and the things he said to me made me feel like he still felt something for me… And it gave me hope..

Stupid.

I’m so stupid for thinking that.

I’m stupid for not being over it by now. It’s been 5 years since we broke up. Five years. And I’m still this hurt?

It’s probably because I can’t forgive myself. And I knew this would happen… Or feared it, at least. I can’t forgive myself for making the biggest mistake in my life, and now my worst dread has come to pass.

He’s marrying someone else.

There will be no second chance for me.

He doesn’t want me, even after I’ve apologized and all but said outright that I would want to try again.

He doesn’t want to. Didn’t want to. And he proposed to her.

Maybe if I say it enough I will accept it. I feel numb. Maybe it’s because I’m drunk. I just want to forget. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m tired of hurting, all the time. And this is just too much for me to handle.

I’m so tired.

I wish I could forget…

-a.

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5 thoughts on “Deal with It

  1. Oh no :(, I’m so sorry…..I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now, I know all these thoughts and feelings that you’re having right now will be tough but you have to forgive yourself and also him for what has happened in the past and everything will be okay aly I promise, I know you may read this and this be the last thing you want to read and hear but sometimes being presented with something like this is a horrible thing but a blessing also, I’m dreading when my time comes but I’m mentally preparing myself for it but I don’t think it’s something you can prepare for, keep busy, do the things that make you happy and if you need me you know where I am.

    Sending you love and hugs

    GS xoxox

    • I’m trying.. I just don’t know how to forgive myself! It could have been me- it was me- that he was going to propose to.. I obviously didn’t know it at the time, but it just keeps replaying in my head. That could have been me… And I wish it was me.. I can’t help but blame myself..

      I know it’ll get easier, but the last few days have been really tough…

      I’m trying to let go- I actually had a friend ask if I wanted to go on a double date with her and her husband and one of their friends.. I don’t know how it’ll go, or if I’m even ready, but I’m making myself do it.

      If God didn’t give me another chance with K, it means He has someone else planned for me. And as hard as it is to imagine, it means he’ll be better for me than K. One day I’ll be happy… I just wish I had someone already. Maybe it would make it hurt less finding out about K, if I had someone to love too…

      I’m trying to stay positive.. It’s just going to take time…

      Xo A.

      • Please don’t blame yourself 😦 there’s nothing you can and could do about it, if he was gonna change his mind he would have, maybe that’s the harsh reality for me and Scarlett too so all you can do now is dress sexy feel comfortable in your skin, enjoy yourself and take the time to just improve yourself in the respects of working towards letting go

        God has a bigger plan for you than K, you know this, I know it’s been a tough few days but go out on that double date and even if its just someone to talk to or share stories with its not a wasted trip or day.

        It does and will take time, I feel like I’ve been in a mental coma for the past god knows how long it’s been but I’m coming round and I know you can too

        Enjoy your life and your youth and the wonderful person that you are and it will shine across other people and you will be surprised how things change 🙂 keep yourself busy, surround yourself with great and positive people and let life lead the way

        You’ll be just fine I promise! Don’t go looking for it let love find YOU when YOU’RE ready! 🙂

        Have a great time and stay strong the best is yet to come

        GS xoxo

      • I know.. You’re right about everything, of course… It’s just going to take time. I’m going to eventually have to find a way to forgive myself and let go of the past.. Keeping busy is going to be key, I think. Keep my mind busy so I don’t dwell on it.. I appreciate you so much,
        GS, you don’t even know..

        Hugs,
        Aly

      • It will take time :), to be fair aly you never let go of the past, it’ll make you smile at times that you had them emotions and times and things won’t hurt anymore, and by then you will have settled yourself and even in a relationship

        Absolutely keeping busy does a wonder of things, get out of the house, lots of nice music and happy/funny films find any and every way that distracts you (I watched ALOT of self help YouTube videos and stand up shows etc :))

        Bless you, I just know that there’s bigger and better things out there for you and I appreciate you too, you were there for me throughout my dark times this year and I’m forever greatful

        Love and hugs

        G.S xo

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