Crazy

Today, I feel like I’m literally crazy. I’m that crazy ex who stalks her ex. I’m that crazy girl who can’t move on and get over a guy from 5 years ago. Just to be clear- cyber stalk not regular physically stalks- that is a little better right? Seriously though, I feel insane for how much I have thought about K over the last 2 years, how many times I checked his Facebook page, written or talked about him.

I’ve been that ex who won’t stop popping up. Well, I have been that girl anyway…

I feel like I’ve been delusional. I really, thoroughly thought we would get a second chance. Crazy of me, right? Delusional. Why would he ever want to come near me again? Let alone date again, let alone propose to, let alone spend the rest of this life with. After how thing ended between us?? No way…

Maybe this is just my cycle of accepting it.. Sadness/depression, self blame, calm(ish) acceptance.

I didn’t cry yesterday. I drank a few, but I didn’t cry. And today, I teared up watching a wedding show on tv, but I didn’t let the tears fall.

I’ve pictured how he looked when he proposed, what her ring looks like, what their wedding will be like, how he must love and adore her- I remember that look on his face so well still…

I’m crazy for being this obsessed… Boarder line obsessed? or am i like full on obsessed? Should I talk to a shrink, or check myself into a crazy house? Because I seriously feel like this isn’t normal….. It’s not like I want to think about these things about them..

Maybe I’m just thinking these things to get them over with.. If that makes sense… Like think them while I’m hurting now, so I don’t have to hurt separately when they pop into my mind later…

Ugh, I’m just sounding more and more crazy. I don’t make any sense sometimes, I swear..

I wish I could talk to him.. Text him.. I’m not going to, obviously.. The times for that have passed, I think… I would even just settle for being his friend, but she doesn’t want him being friend with me. I just wish I would have known the last time I texted him that it was going to be the last time ever. Is that stupid? I didn’t outright say things but maybe it would have changed the outcome? He proposed about 3 months after our last text conversation…

It probably wouldn’t have changed anything.. Really though, stop being delusional Alyssa! He probably had already been saving for her ring. He probably already knew he was going to propose. But then it just makes me more and more angry because I asked him to straight out say he was over me and there was never going to be any chance of us ever again, and he didn’t outright say it!! He kept beating around the bush about it, even when I told him to be 100% honest and brutal… And he didn’t… So it gave me hope… And then I find out he proposed a few short months later???

Ugh… I want to beg him not to marry her… I won’t.. I won’t text him. I can’t really expect him to be like “ok yeah i’ll leave her for you” anyway…

But I can’t help but think I may regret not doing it. Just one last time.. I just want to talk to him… But I don’t think there is any way to not sound crazy if I did… Ugh this just sucks!!

I hate my life right now. Can I just be over it and healed and moved on with someone else already?!

So much for not crying today… I’m just going to go have a good cry and head to bed….

-a.

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