Bipolar Heart

Maybe it’s a case of the winter blues, or maybe it’s just another lull in my emotional roller coaster.. But I feel so split. Like there are two personalities of me living inside me…

On one hand, I’m still hurting from finding out about K’s engagement. I hate it. I wish I could change it and that I could have another chance with him… Yes, even now, part of me still wishes for that… But I know he’s engaged, therefore he must be happy.. I wish I could be completely over it, if its not meant to be. I pray to be over it everyday…

And part if me feels like maybe K didn’t love me as much as I thought he did. If what we had was real, how could he be fine? I know he wasn’t, for a long time. But if it was as real to him as it was to me, how could he move on so completely?? I’m just being dramatic, I know…. I know he did, but maybe it really just wasn’t as true as I felt it was… We were young… And we all make mistakes…

I feel so sad and hurt because I have changed and grown so much, and he will never know me as the woman I am now… It just makes me sad that he, specifically, won’t ever know me. I finally figured out who I am and it doesn’t do any good to help my broken heart.

But on the other side of my bipolar heart, I am spending more time with Mat.. I’m getting more comfortable with him, but my walls are still up and my heart locked away inside. I feel like a clam- all closed up, impossible to pry open, at least until I feel safe enough to open up on my own.

There is a friendship and companionship there. But I don’t know if I feel romantic feelings towards him.. Maybe I’m still too broken over everything else. Maybe it’s not meant to be with Mat..

I thought I maybe felt a little flicker of something when we hung out tonight… But I don’t just want a “little spark”. I want an overwhelming feeling. I want to feel that strong physical and sexual attraction. I want an inferno. And I know, maybe the little spark could grow into something more.. It’s still early..

I just feel so jaded about love and dating and guys that I tell God that I literally need to be slapped across the face with overwhelming certainty that a guy is the right one for me. I just need a sign to know because I can’t stand to keep opening myself up to people who end up not being right for me and inevitably getting hurt again in the process…

I pray every day for God to guide me and lead me where ever it is that I need to be.

I have faith. I know in my soul He has a plan for me. And it’ll happen in His perfect timing…

Hmm.. I’m exhausted.. It’s past 1 am here, so I guess I’ll end for tonight… Sweet dreams all!

Xoxo Aly

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