Haunted In My Dreams

I go through periods of having very vivid, realistic, memorable dreams, and then I have times where I can’t remember any dream for months.

And I guess now is one of former.

Twice this week, I’ve had several vivid dreams per night. I always wake up after each one before falling back asleep and into another one… And for some reason, most of my dreams have been negative.. Not like nightmares, but just not good dreams…

One, borderline nightmare, my mom found and read all the posts from a previous blog site I used. I don’t tell my family members, or really anyone, that I blog. To me, it’s my private journal. I don’t particularly fear anyone reading or finding them… But I think this dream was more a flashback to when I was with J. He found my blog and made me let him read it all, as I was hysterically crying for hours. I was literally huddled under the covers crying because I knew he wouldn’t like most of what I wrote/had to say. He was pissed… But it was really more about how much he shattered me and took away everything from me. I wasn’t allowed to have a private thought. He stripped me bare, took away my soul, against my will.

I try not to think about that. I’ve healed, and I’m away from him now. But I still feel myself scarred from that experience…

I also dreamt about J and his newest baby momma/girlfriend.. I remember feeling hurt and angry towards him. And I needed to tell the new girl about how dirty and disgusting he is.. Like how we was texting me sexy dirty things, trying to plan hooking up with me, literally during the time she was getting pregnant and finding out she was pregnant. Did she know that? It doesn’t matter now.. And I don’t really care about him or her, but I think this dream is because I felt so used, misled, and dumb for almost falling for his sly, dirty tricks… God.. That was the guy I was with for 3 1/2 years… If he could do that to her, what could he have done behind my back? Without me knowing??

I hate feeling dumb or being made to look stupid. I hate feeling vulnerable. And he stomped all over me. I’m just glad we never did anything more than just talk/text over the phone….

Lastly, big surprise here, I dreamt about K. His girlfriend, or I guess I should say fiancé now, was gone at work or something.. And we happened to run into each other somewhere and ended up just hanging out. It was at his house, we were laying on his bed, but it wasn’t sexual in any sense. He was sitting up against the wall on his bed and I was laying opposite. My feet by his head, my head near his feet. And we were just taking. Laughing. Enjoying being together.. But I knew I had to go before his girlfriend got back, so she wouldn’t be mad…

I woke up after this one, feeling sad.. I’m still hurting over him. I’m still hurting that he proposed. I’m still upset about the last time I texted him in May or whatever, begging him to be honest and tell me straight out that there was no chance for us ever again, and him beating around the bush and not straight out saying it. When obviously he had been saving up and probably already planning to propose to Liz. It hurts.. And i am finding it hard to move on..

I wish it could just be easier. He has proposed to her! Why am I still wanting him? It’s been 5 years since we broke up. 2 years since I realized my mistakes and that I wanted another chance with him…..

His birthday is coming up I like 3 weeks… The last two years, I’ve texted him just a small happy birthday text.. And last year it led to an all night text conversation…. Every fiber of my being wants to text him again this year… Just to see what, if anything, he would reply. Would we text all night again? Would I get my closure?

But I don’t know if I should. I want to, but maybe I have to force myself not to. Maybe I need to just not do it. Maybe it’ll hurt me too much. But I know he is going to be on my mind all that day, and I know that I am going to think about texting him every second of that day.

I want to, but do I need to? I want to talk to him. I want closure, or something, to help me let go and move on.

I don’t know…

Sorry, this is turning into quite a long post!

I’ve also been seeing and continuing to get to know Mat. He seems like a good guy, but I am not letting myself open up very much. I don’t know if I feel a physical attraction to him, or just a friendship. It’s been like 3 weeks.. A month maybe? And I’m still not sure. And I feel bad that I’m not sure. I can tell he likes me. His attraction and attachment is more than mine to him. My walls are up. I’m still hurting. And maybe that’s why I haven’t felt anything, because I’m not letting myself… But I feel like anything less than feeling fireworks is settling… And I am done settling. Does that make sense, about anything less than fireworks feels like settling?

I feel like I should like him more than I do. He is a good guy. Has a good job. Is a strong Believer. He’s mature but knows how to have fun….

So why don’t I know how i feel about him yet?! :/

I’m trying to give it a chance. Keep it light and not too serious… But I feel like I’m on a path leading to him asking me to be his girlfriend and I don’t know what I should or will say when it happens!

I hate not knowing what to do… It’s awful.

Well, I think that’s about all I’ve got for tonight… Hope you are all enjoying your weekend!

Xoxo Aly

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