Looking Forward to a New Year

Maybe it’s just part of getting older, but I can’t believe another year is just about over! 2014 was quite a roller coaster for me, some great good times and some bad lows. I don’t know if I would say it was a good year, or a bad year, but I definitely know that I am not the same woman leaving this year behind as I was coming into it.

I’m ready for some change. I’m ready to let go of some things and move forward. I feel it in my soul; I just have this deep sense of needing (and wanting) to let go of the past. Of K, mostly, but not just him. Other hurts I’ve felt for a long time. It’s too draining… I just feel drained and exhausted all the time.

As much as I wish things could be different, they aren’t. And I think it’s past time for me to gracefully let go. He’s engaged. If it had been meant to be, it would be me he’s engaged to, but I’m not and it’s not. He’ll always have a special place in my heart, that no one can replace, and I think he’ll always be a bit of a tender subject to me.

I don’t know if I’m ready to date anyone right now. I think I just need to enjoy my time alone, for now… And I know soon, when I’m ready, God will show a special guy into my life. Maybe it’ll be in this new year, or maybe the next.. Whenever it is, I’m patiently looking forward to it.

I’m excited to see what this New Year holds for me. Hopefully it’ll be better than this last year has been. One of my goals is to go to at least one place I’ve never been to before. Maybe something fun like Las Vegas, or maybe Yellowstone National Park… We’ll see!

Also, I just want to thank all of you for reading my blog and supporting me! It’s very nice to know people care about me and my life, and I greatly appreciate all of your comments and advice.. Here’s to another great year of blogging!!

Love you guys! Happy New Year!

xoxo Aly

A Case of the Holiday Blues

Christmas is just a few days away, and I’m excited to spend some extra time with my family (assuming I get the day off work, which is still up in the air). But I can’t help but feel a little down lately…

As much as I said I didn’t have my hopes up about texting K on his birthday the other day, I think it still bummed me out that we didn’t talk really. All it was, was me saying ‘happy birthday K’, he didn’t reply until the next morning when he said “thank you :)’ and so I just said ‘:)’. I didn’t expect anything, I was even surprised that he responded at all, but i guess I really did hope that we would talk more.. I guess I could have said more once he did reply, but I don’t want to be pushy…

I know it probably sounds weird, but I just feel like he is the only one who understands what I’m feeling… He’s been there. He’s felt what I’m feeling now. I know he was heartbroken for a long time after we broke up. I know he waited for along time, and hoped for a long time… And then once he was able to let go and move on, then I was the one feeling those things…. I just wish I could talk to him and maybe get some closure… Like what I was trying to get back in May when we last talked, when I was basically asking him to be harsh and tell me there was no chance ever for us again (which he didn’t do- trying to be nice or spare my feelings or whatever).

Well, a month and a half after that he proposed, so I don’t see what the big deal was and why he couldn’t have just flat out told me NO. And I know that’s my answer, but I still just feel like talking to him might help me let go. I wish I could ask him how long it took him before he was able to let me go and move on from me. Maybe that would give me some clue as to when I will finally be over him. Maybe it took him 2 and a half years, so maybe in another 3 months (when I reach 2 and a half years of missing him) I’ll be able to not care anymore.

I know I’ve said this before, but I really feel stupid for not being able to move on. I cried earlier, after hearing a country song (“What We Ain’t Got” by Jake Owen). It’s literally exactly what I’m feeling. He’s engaged and I still keep hoping deep down that there may still be a chance. I’m delusional…

I keep telling myself it wasn’t meant to be, God has someone better planned for me, maybe it wasn’t as good or a true as my mind is making it out to be… I tell myself all these things and more to help myself move on and let go. But it isn’t helping. It doesn’t change how I’m feeling, even though I know it should, especially since he’s engaged now. He wants her. Maybe if I say it enough, I will get it..?

I was thinking about it the other day, and I think numb is the exactly right word for how I feel. All the time. Numb. Closed off. I don’t let people in, not right now, I can’t. I’ve been hurting so long, so somehow I just shut down. I don’t expect anything from any of the new guys I meet. I didn’t expect K to talk to when when I texted him the other day (and he didn’t). I don’t really feel excited about anything. I think the only time I feel anything else is when I’m with my baby nephew or my two nieces. And even then, it’s only temporary….

I want love. I want anything to take away from the sadness, regret, loneliness, and heartache that I constantly feel. I guess you could even say I want to be distracted from all the things I still feel for and about K. But I also just want to feel love again just to experience that high you get, who wouldn’t? I want someone who i can turn to, open up to, to comfort me when I need it. To be my equal and walk side by side with me in my life… I want babies. My biological clock has been ticking for over a year now, and I feel the ache of not having babies. I see my older sister and my cousins all with their babies, and I long for the time when it’s my turn…

Gosh, how much longer do I have to suffer?! Why do I still care? Why do I still cry over him, still want him, still hope there is a way it will work out???

Maybe with the new year coming I’ll be able to find a way to get a new beginning….

xoxo Aly

In Another Life

Happy birthday,
My dear.
I’ve waited a year,
For the one day I have an excuse to talk to you.
Another year older.
Another year passed without you next to me.

How different things could have been-
You and I,
But instead,
I lay in my cold bed,
Alone,
While you smile and laugh with Her.
It could have been us,
Warm together,
Holding hands,
Stealing kisses,
Loving every moment.

I would have made you a cake,
And coffee,
Black,
Just the way you like it.
And I would drink some too,
Because I like it now.
Maybe I would even take a shot of Whiskey,
With you,
Because that’s what you like.

Maybe,
In another life.

Rain

It’s pouring.
All around-
I hear it,
I see it,
I feel it in my soul.

Thunk-thunk-thunk.
Against the windows,
Against the roof,
Against my walls.

It has been going on for a while now.
I can’t remember when it started.
I didn’t notice when,
But I know it now.

Unless you’re really paying attention,
When it first starts,
Unless you’re on the lookout for it,
You don’t notice it.

But eventually you realize it.
The cold seeps in,
The rhythm becomes your lullaby,
The falling droplets hypnotize you.

The rain is all I know now.
Eventually it always stops,
I know that.

But as for now,
It consumes me.

And I find solace in its dreary nature.

To Do or Not To Do….

K’s birthday is in 2 days… The last 2-3 years I’ve texted him a simple ‘Happy birthday K’ and we ended up talking for hours each time… Last year I wasn’t sure if I should, I debated it all day long before finally texting him at like 3 in the afternoon, but I ended up being happy I did because we talked until 5 am.

I don’t know if I should this year though. Well, actually, I know I probably shouldn’t. He’s engaged. Maybe I should just leave him alone and let him be happy. But I want to text him. With no expectations, of course. I didn’t have any expectations last year, and that turned out ok for me…. Just a simple, ‘happy birthday’. What could it hurt??

I feel so lame, that I look forward to his birthday each year just because it’s the one day I have a valid reason to text him.

Part of me is curious if he would reply back this year. I wonder if he will ask how I’m doing with everything, like he did last year. I wonder if he still would care enough to see how I’m doing, trying to move on and heal from him, like he did last year.

But is there anything good that can come from it? Maybe some closure on my part… I don’t know what to do… I’ve been going back and forth on what I’ll do for a couple days now. And I’m sure I’ll change my find several times the next few days as well…

xoxo Aly

Solitary

Here I am again, back to it just being me, in my self inflicted solitary life. Well, dating life, anyway.

I basically broke things off with Mat today. Didn’t go as I planned.. I’m horrible at handling these kind of situations, given that I hate conflict so much that my normal impulse is to just cold turkey avoid at all costs. Obviously I know this isn’t the best way (or good way, in any shape or form) so I tried to not be like that… I absolutely hate conflict- I avoid fights and serious talks like the plague! But my text message didn’t get perceived exactly as I planned- I meant to butter him up a little then break it to him, but he took my message as the final end I think. Which I guess is good, because its over and I don’t have to stress anymore about how to gently let him down… But I also just kind of feel bad because he is a nice, sweet guy and I did have fun with him… I just didn’t feel the same attraction to him and he did to me…

I also texted David today… Just to say hi. I felt more for him that I did for Mat, but I know it’s not going to lead anywhere. Even with the physical attraction we had, I also just know he isn’t the right guy for me…

Gosh, I hate dating.. It’s not fun. At all. I know what I want, I know what I’m looking for, and i’ll know it when I meet him, one day.

I wish I didn’t keep wishing for K though. Well, I don’t even know if I would call it ‘wishing’ anymore. It’s more like a dull ache in my heart.. I know it’s over. I know he wants Liz, otherwise he wouldn’t have proposed to her. I know there is basically zero chance of me and him. But it still hurts. I’m getting better. I’m learning, coping. Slowly letting go.

I just feel kind of discouraged. I’ve gone on dates with almost twice as many people in the last year and a half, as as many boyfriends I’ve had in my life! And no one has even come close to making me feel like I did when I was with K. Like in the beginning of a relationship. I know love and all that comes with time, but the initial connection. The instant attraction, like gravity pulling us together. The deep spark of something you can’t quite put your finger on, but you’ve never felt anything like it before…

I don’t think I’m ready for love, until I stop hurting over K. I want to be over him, but clearly I’m not. Not all the way. I want someone to love, but right now I think I want it mostly just so I can be distracted from K’s engagement. I do want love, just to feel it again, but just the fact that part of me just wants to be distracted tells me it’s not 100% for the right reasons… Meaning I’m not ready.

It’s hard, sometimes, to fight the feeling that I’ll be alone forever. So dramatic, I know, and completely untrue. But sometimes I find myself fighting the feeling of wanting to be alone forever. No drama, no fights, no getting hurt, no false hopes. Just me, doing my thing. I’ll get a sperm donor when I want kids! Gosh, right now the idea is so tempting….

I am overly dramatic, I know. Just one of the cold, hard truths about me. Just like how I over analyze everything! At least I can recognize (and embrace?) them!

Well, it’s a stormy, cold night here in CA.. Off to shower and relax for the rest of my night……

Xoxo Aly

Hope

Hope is bittersweet for me. Isn’t it supposed to be a positive thing? Cue all the lovely, optimistic quotes about hope. “Life is nothing without hope” ect ect ect.

But it’s not for me. Not right now in my life. I wish I didn’t have hope. I wish I weren’t ‘hoping’ for things or holding into ‘hope’. I don’t want hope or feeling hopeful.

I wish my heart would give up hope on K. Or give up hoping he won’t marry Liz. Or hoping it has all just been a dream.

I wish I didn’t get hope each time a new guy comes into my life, hoping he will be the one I can love and make me move on from K. When in reality, they all just end up being temporary distractions. Momentary, fleeting distractions.

I hate how much having hope has left me hurting, and sad, and closed off. My walls are so thick and high, I wonder how they will ever come down enough to let someone in and love me.

I’m tired of hoping.

I want actions. I want answers. I want results.

I’m tired of getting my hopes up and being let down. I’m tired of hoping each new time will be different, even after I start to open myself up to it, and then having it end unfavorably.

*sigh*

Body Language

Last night, I saw Mat again. And with all my thinking lately about how I’m not sure how I feel towards him, I couldn’t help but be hyper aware of my body language towards him. I definitely think it is unconscious, but then I began to pay attention to how I am around him… And I was noticing it all night!

When we sit on the couch next to each other, I sit with my feet up to the side of me, in-between us. Comfy way for me to sit, but why don’t I sit the other way, leaning towards him? I prop myself up on the arm furthest from him, basically leaning my body away from him, not towards him… He always initiates hanging out, he is always the one to lean for a kiss first.

A few times we’ve gone into his room to lay down and talk.. The first time, I stayed sitting up at the foot of his bed while he was laying down. Last night, he wanted to cuddle.. Even though my body may have seemed relaxed, on the inside I was tense and stiff.. I noticed that i kept one arm across my stomach, kind of a self defensive thing that I do sometimes. He tried to kiss me more than a peck, and I just felt awkward.. You know that kind of awkward kiss where you both aren’t sure where to move or if you should do it? Well, anyway, we didn’t end up kissing with tongue.. lol

I feel closed off. And I don’t think I feel sparks or chemistry towards him, even though on paper he is the kind of guy I would want… I feel like I should like him more than I actually do

And it sucks because he is definitely more interested in me than I am in him.. And I hate hurting people!

I guess I’m just confused what to do.. I’m not sure if I don’t feel anything towards him because I’m not attracted or if I’m keeping myself closed off. Could I feel more towards him if I try to open up? Or am I just comfortable and used to settling that I can easily just slide back into that habit? Or do I really just not feel anything towards him?

I feel like it’s going to take a lot for me to open up to someone. He’s going to have to be pretty special. I feel like Ive learned and been through enough that I couldn’t “settle” even if I tried.. Maybe that’s where I’m at now.. I feel like I deserve to feel butterflies and sparks, at least in the beginning of a relationship. And I don’t feel that with Mat… And I feel like anything less is settling.

So maybe there’s my answer… I just want to say that I honestly gave it a good shot, tried to stick it out and tried to see if there was anything there.. I don’t like giving up.

Any advice?

xoxo Aly.