Last night, I saw Mat again. And with all my thinking lately about how I’m not sure how I feel towards him, I couldn’t help but be hyper aware of my body language towards him. I definitely think it is unconscious, but then I began to pay attention to how I am around him… And I was noticing it all night!
When we sit on the couch next to each other, I sit with my feet up to the side of me, in-between us. Comfy way for me to sit, but why don’t I sit the other way, leaning towards him? I prop myself up on the arm furthest from him, basically leaning my body away from him, not towards him… He always initiates hanging out, he is always the one to lean for a kiss first.
A few times we’ve gone into his room to lay down and talk.. The first time, I stayed sitting up at the foot of his bed while he was laying down. Last night, he wanted to cuddle.. Even though my body may have seemed relaxed, on the inside I was tense and stiff.. I noticed that i kept one arm across my stomach, kind of a self defensive thing that I do sometimes. He tried to kiss me more than a peck, and I just felt awkward.. You know that kind of awkward kiss where you both aren’t sure where to move or if you should do it? Well, anyway, we didn’t end up kissing with tongue.. lol
I feel closed off. And I don’t think I feel sparks or chemistry towards him, even though on paper he is the kind of guy I would want… I feel like I should like him more than I actually do…
And it sucks because he is definitely more interested in me than I am in him.. And I hate hurting people!
I guess I’m just confused what to do.. I’m not sure if I don’t feel anything towards him because I’m not attracted or if I’m keeping myself closed off. Could I feel more towards him if I try to open up? Or am I just comfortable and used to settling that I can easily just slide back into that habit? Or do I really just not feel anything towards him?
I feel like it’s going to take a lot for me to open up to someone. He’s going to have to be pretty special. I feel like Ive learned and been through enough that I couldn’t “settle” even if I tried.. Maybe that’s where I’m at now.. I feel like I deserve to feel butterflies and sparks, at least in the beginning of a relationship. And I don’t feel that with Mat… And I feel like anything less is settling.
So maybe there’s my answer… I just want to say that I honestly gave it a good shot, tried to stick it out and tried to see if there was anything there.. I don’t like giving up.