Body Language

Last night, I saw Mat again. And with all my thinking lately about how I’m not sure how I feel towards him, I couldn’t help but be hyper aware of my body language towards him. I definitely think it is unconscious, but then I began to pay attention to how I am around him… And I was noticing it all night!

When we sit on the couch next to each other, I sit with my feet up to the side of me, in-between us. Comfy way for me to sit, but why don’t I sit the other way, leaning towards him? I prop myself up on the arm furthest from him, basically leaning my body away from him, not towards him… He always initiates hanging out, he is always the one to lean for a kiss first.

A few times we’ve gone into his room to lay down and talk.. The first time, I stayed sitting up at the foot of his bed while he was laying down. Last night, he wanted to cuddle.. Even though my body may have seemed relaxed, on the inside I was tense and stiff.. I noticed that i kept one arm across my stomach, kind of a self defensive thing that I do sometimes. He tried to kiss me more than a peck, and I just felt awkward.. You know that kind of awkward kiss where you both aren’t sure where to move or if you should do it? Well, anyway, we didn’t end up kissing with tongue.. lol

I feel closed off. And I don’t think I feel sparks or chemistry towards him, even though on paper he is the kind of guy I would want… I feel like I should like him more than I actually do

And it sucks because he is definitely more interested in me than I am in him.. And I hate hurting people!

I guess I’m just confused what to do.. I’m not sure if I don’t feel anything towards him because I’m not attracted or if I’m keeping myself closed off. Could I feel more towards him if I try to open up? Or am I just comfortable and used to settling that I can easily just slide back into that habit? Or do I really just not feel anything towards him?

I feel like it’s going to take a lot for me to open up to someone. He’s going to have to be pretty special. I feel like Ive learned and been through enough that I couldn’t “settle” even if I tried.. Maybe that’s where I’m at now.. I feel like I deserve to feel butterflies and sparks, at least in the beginning of a relationship. And I don’t feel that with Mat… And I feel like anything less is settling.

So maybe there’s my answer… I just want to say that I honestly gave it a good shot, tried to stick it out and tried to see if there was anything there.. I don’t like giving up.

Any advice?

xoxo Aly.

6 thoughts on “Body Language

  1. I think you know the answer. However sometimes the slow burners are the best and sometimes we hold back on the good ones..

    • I agree! Which is why I’m still trying to give things a chance.. It’s hard because I very much want love, and on paper he has all the things I would want in a partner, but in reality I just feel like something’s missing… I guess only time can tell if things will grow between Mat and I..

      Thank you! I appreciate your advice!
      Xoxo Aly

  2. I’m not sharing this to discourage you, but part of the bifurcated hole I’ve fallen into this year is a feeling that the chemistry I shared with her was not only real, but instantaneous…and alive. It was like we shared two halves of the same heart. Falling into her arms after a day was like falling into an embrace that was so familiar I couldn’t help but marvel at the caress and meaning extracted from each singular touch. I’ve never felt anything like it my entire life.

    That being said…I know this was posted days ago, but it I would advise keeping an open mind…if that guy is still around. I know that experiencing that chemistry with someone is a rare feat, but I’m not sure love is always born so quickly. Listen to me trying to offer advice. At any rate, if he’s a good guy…

    In the end, though…listen to your heart and temper your head. Or listen to Television “Marquee Moon” over and over if all else fails.

    • With my other ex, K, whom I talk about all the time, it was also instantaneous. Comparing everyone else to him, he was the only man I’ve ever really loved. It was instant, deep and true… Long story (i’ve discussed it in several of my older posts), but I made the mistake of breaking up with him instead of vocalizing how I was feeling. I ran away from the best thing that has happened to me in my life… Even before we dated, we knew each other from school, and we were always drawn to each other… There was always something about him.. Even when I was dating another guy, i felt drawn to him 2 years before we started dating..

      This new guy is still around… But I can help but compare how I feel to how I was with K. I want and deserve to have butterflies. I deserve to feel attracted to someone.. And with new guy Mat, I just don’t feel anything for him.. And I’ve been trying for 2 months to give it a chance, see if anything could develop.. But for me, it hasn’t. And I know he’s starting to like me a lot.. So I just don’t know when I should call it quits before I lead him on too much.. Know what I mean?

      xox Aly.

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