Hope

Hope is bittersweet for me. Isn’t it supposed to be a positive thing? Cue all the lovely, optimistic quotes about hope. “Life is nothing without hope” ect ect ect.

But it’s not for me. Not right now in my life. I wish I didn’t have hope. I wish I weren’t ‘hoping’ for things or holding into ‘hope’. I don’t want hope or feeling hopeful.

I wish my heart would give up hope on K. Or give up hoping he won’t marry Liz. Or hoping it has all just been a dream.

I wish I didn’t get hope each time a new guy comes into my life, hoping he will be the one I can love and make me move on from K. When in reality, they all just end up being temporary distractions. Momentary, fleeting distractions.

I hate how much having hope has left me hurting, and sad, and closed off. My walls are so thick and high, I wonder how they will ever come down enough to let someone in and love me.

I’m tired of hoping.

I want actions. I want answers. I want results.

I’m tired of getting my hopes up and being let down. I’m tired of hoping each new time will be different, even after I start to open myself up to it, and then having it end unfavorably.

*sigh*

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7 thoughts on “Hope

  1. Stop getting your hopes up then. Just face each new person for what they are and each situation for what it is. That way when things start getting great they will seem like they’re just amazing!!

  2. This post resonates with me very well. I’m having the same issues. “Hope” is applied such a positive hue, but I’m finding it plagues my every thought and mood these days. I want to fall in love, but it feels like I’m just hoping to fall in order to steer my heart somewhere else. The one thing “hope” hasn’t fixed itself to is that…I’m doubting I’ll every experience that chemistry or connection in love again.
    All of that said…I do wish you the best.

    • I feel the exact same way.. Plagued.. That’s such a great way to describe it. And I can completely relate to how you feel like hoping to fall in love is just to steer our hearts elsewhere. I want love, but I also want to move on and not think about a certain past love…

      Thank you. I wish you the best as well.
      xoxo Aly

      • To not think about a past love…seems little more than some fancied fantasy today. Sometimes I just feel consumed by haunted memories, if that makes sense. In way, it’s comforting to know that someone else out there is experiencing something similar…who can relate. That said, I hope you find reprieve from the tether of that past love.

      • Haunted memories, makes perfect sense to me. And I know what you mean, there is a kind of comfort in knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way. It is very lonely, sometimes, feeling this way.. I hope, one day, I can find relief from my regrets in regards to him… May you find reprieve as well.

        xoxo Aly

      • Regret over her is complex. Sometimes I just feel cheated and it leaves me wondering what was so wrong with me.
        I was just thinking that it might be nice to correspond with someone going through experiences that resonate and mesh. If you don’t mind the thought, my email is on my About page. Hope to hear from you. If it helps…I got jokes.

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