Here I am again, back to it just being me, in my self inflicted solitary life. Well, dating life, anyway.

I basically broke things off with Mat today. Didn’t go as I planned.. I’m horrible at handling these kind of situations, given that I hate conflict so much that my normal impulse is to just cold turkey avoid at all costs. Obviously I know this isn’t the best way (or good way, in any shape or form) so I tried to not be like that… I absolutely hate conflict- I avoid fights and serious talks like the plague! But my text message didn’t get perceived exactly as I planned- I meant to butter him up a little then break it to him, but he took my message as the final end I think. Which I guess is good, because its over and I don’t have to stress anymore about how to gently let him down… But I also just kind of feel bad because he is a nice, sweet guy and I did have fun with him… I just didn’t feel the same attraction to him and he did to me…

I also texted David today… Just to say hi. I felt more for him that I did for Mat, but I know it’s not going to lead anywhere. Even with the physical attraction we had, I also just know he isn’t the right guy for me…

Gosh, I hate dating.. It’s not fun. At all. I know what I want, I know what I’m looking for, and i’ll know it when I meet him, one day.

I wish I didn’t keep wishing for K though. Well, I don’t even know if I would call it ‘wishing’ anymore. It’s more like a dull ache in my heart.. I know it’s over. I know he wants Liz, otherwise he wouldn’t have proposed to her. I know there is basically zero chance of me and him. But it still hurts. I’m getting better. I’m learning, coping. Slowly letting go.

I just feel kind of discouraged. I’ve gone on dates with almost twice as many people in the last year and a half, as as many boyfriends I’ve had in my life! And no one has even come close to making me feel like I did when I was with K. Like in the beginning of a relationship. I know love and all that comes with time, but the initial connection. The instant attraction, like gravity pulling us together. The deep spark of something you can’t quite put your finger on, but you’ve never felt anything like it before…

I don’t think I’m ready for love, until I stop hurting over K. I want to be over him, but clearly I’m not. Not all the way. I want someone to love, but right now I think I want it mostly just so I can be distracted from K’s engagement. I do want love, just to feel it again, but just the fact that part of me just wants to be distracted tells me it’s not 100% for the right reasons… Meaning I’m not ready.

It’s hard, sometimes, to fight the feeling that I’ll be alone forever. So dramatic, I know, and completely untrue. But sometimes I find myself fighting the feeling of wanting to be alone forever. No drama, no fights, no getting hurt, no false hopes. Just me, doing my thing. I’ll get a sperm donor when I want kids! Gosh, right now the idea is so tempting….

I am overly dramatic, I know. Just one of the cold, hard truths about me. Just like how I over analyze everything! At least I can recognize (and embrace?) them!

Well, it’s a stormy, cold night here in CA.. Off to shower and relax for the rest of my night……

Xoxo Aly

2 thoughts on “Solitary

  1. The dull ache I know well…the wishing…
    Somehow it’s comforting to know that someone else can relate the ache to missing someone…the ache of experiencing that connection with someone who’s lost to you.
    And I also enjoy your prose very much:)

    • Thank you for the lovely compliment! 😊 I wish no one had to feel what we continue to feel.. The darker side of love no one likes to think about. Wounds of the heart can take a long time to heal- and I know I’ve experience people in my own life who can’t understand why I’m not over it yet… But I guess everyone heals at their own pace.. Writing helps me recognize what I’m feeling and see things about myself that I need to work on… My own form of therapy.. Lol

      Xoxo Aly

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