A Case of the Holiday Blues

Christmas is just a few days away, and I’m excited to spend some extra time with my family (assuming I get the day off work, which is still up in the air). But I can’t help but feel a little down lately…

As much as I said I didn’t have my hopes up about texting K on his birthday the other day, I think it still bummed me out that we didn’t talk really. All it was, was me saying ‘happy birthday K’, he didn’t reply until the next morning when he said “thank you :)’ and so I just said ‘:)’. I didn’t expect anything, I was even surprised that he responded at all, but i guess I really did hope that we would talk more.. I guess I could have said more once he did reply, but I don’t want to be pushy…

I know it probably sounds weird, but I just feel like he is the only one who understands what I’m feeling… He’s been there. He’s felt what I’m feeling now. I know he was heartbroken for a long time after we broke up. I know he waited for along time, and hoped for a long time… And then once he was able to let go and move on, then I was the one feeling those things…. I just wish I could talk to him and maybe get some closure… Like what I was trying to get back in May when we last talked, when I was basically asking him to be harsh and tell me there was no chance ever for us again (which he didn’t do- trying to be nice or spare my feelings or whatever).

Well, a month and a half after that he proposed, so I don’t see what the big deal was and why he couldn’t have just flat out told me NO. And I know that’s my answer, but I still just feel like talking to him might help me let go. I wish I could ask him how long it took him before he was able to let me go and move on from me. Maybe that would give me some clue as to when I will finally be over him. Maybe it took him 2 and a half years, so maybe in another 3 months (when I reach 2 and a half years of missing him) I’ll be able to not care anymore.

I know I’ve said this before, but I really feel stupid for not being able to move on. I cried earlier, after hearing a country song (“What We Ain’t Got” by Jake Owen). It’s literally exactly what I’m feeling. He’s engaged and I still keep hoping deep down that there may still be a chance. I’m delusional…

I keep telling myself it wasn’t meant to be, God has someone better planned for me, maybe it wasn’t as good or a true as my mind is making it out to be… I tell myself all these things and more to help myself move on and let go. But it isn’t helping. It doesn’t change how I’m feeling, even though I know it should, especially since he’s engaged now. He wants her. Maybe if I say it enough, I will get it..?

I was thinking about it the other day, and I think numb is the exactly right word for how I feel. All the time. Numb. Closed off. I don’t let people in, not right now, I can’t. I’ve been hurting so long, so somehow I just shut down. I don’t expect anything from any of the new guys I meet. I didn’t expect K to talk to when when I texted him the other day (and he didn’t). I don’t really feel excited about anything. I think the only time I feel anything else is when I’m with my baby nephew or my two nieces. And even then, it’s only temporary….

I want love. I want anything to take away from the sadness, regret, loneliness, and heartache that I constantly feel. I guess you could even say I want to be distracted from all the things I still feel for and about K. But I also just want to feel love again just to experience that high you get, who wouldn’t? I want someone who i can turn to, open up to, to comfort me when I need it. To be my equal and walk side by side with me in my life… I want babies. My biological clock has been ticking for over a year now, and I feel the ache of not having babies. I see my older sister and my cousins all with their babies, and I long for the time when it’s my turn…

Gosh, how much longer do I have to suffer?! Why do I still care? Why do I still cry over him, still want him, still hope there is a way it will work out???

Maybe with the new year coming I’ll be able to find a way to get a new beginning….

xoxo Aly

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2 thoughts on “A Case of the Holiday Blues

  1. I’m in the same boat I sit here thinking about her I wake and she’s the first thing on my mind and last thing before I go to bed I didn’t get the closure I needed and I hope one day I’ll see her again she was my bestfriend I told her everything now I’m lonely and heartbroken and I’m scared if I find out she’s moved on cos I ain’t and there’s no sign of me moving on any time soon

    • I’m so sorry.. I have been exactly where you’re at now… Especially the part about fearing she will move on. I dreaded for years the day I would find out mine moved on. It’s been several years since we broke up, but I still feared what I knew would come.. And it was just as awful as I feared it would be. I wish I could tell you that it’ll end soon and the hurt will go away, which it may, but sometimes we are stuck hurting for a long time… Everyone is different, and everyone heals at a different pace. It may take a few months or a few years.. I wish you the best my friend- know that you’re not alone in your pain. There are a few of us who hurt in the same ways beside you…

      Xoxo aly

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