To the Ends of the Earth

I run- searching, (for what I do not know)- but I am running.

Escaping this prison of memories.

In every direction, I am reminded.

I am trapped, by my own mind, if nothing else.

How many can truly say they know the exact moment they went wrong? The one moment that, had it been different, would change the course of their lives?

Even still, I see so clearly the life I could have had. As if looking through another dimension to see what my life could be in a parallel world.

I’m not glorifying the past. That’s not what all this is. It’s about who he was, and what we had together. That’s what’s hard for me to get over, I guess. There hasn’t been anyone else I’ve met like him.

I am haunted by memories and regrets. I wish I wasn’t. I try not to be. I sit, like a child with their hands over their ears and saying ‘I’m not listening!’ but my own version goes more like ‘don’t go there. don’t think about it. think of something else. don’t let your mind go there.’

Ignoring it doesn’t really help anything. And I doubt running away from it will either, but I’m going to see… Long story about how it came about, but I’m heading to Costa Rica for a week in the middle of April. Like 2 weeks away from now. I’m a little nervous to fly alone, but I am staying with a family member who is renting a house down in a nice area of Costa Rica, so once I’m there, I know I’ll be good.

I need to get away. I need to be distracted. I need to stop this hurt I am feeling. Even if it only lasts for a week…

Hope everyone has a nice weekend!

xoxo Aly.

I’ve been missing you…

It’s been quite a while since I’ve sat down to blog, and I completely missed it (and all of you!!).. Life’s been up and down.. I’ve been busy with work, and stress, and life. I don’t think I realized how helpful blogging has been for me, it’s been my therapy and outlet to analyze myself. It gives me the chance to get out things that have happened, look at them, and analyze how I feel about them…

I’ve missed, and needed it…

The last few weeks I would say I’ve been in another period of depression.. Everything combined has piled up and overwhelmed me.. Work is stressful, finding a new job hasn’t been going well, I’ve somehow gained a ton of weight and cannot seem to get it off no matter how much I change my eating habits or workout.. I don’t feel comfortable in my body right now, at ALL. And that makes it very hard to have a positive attitude sometimes.. I feel uncomfortable, and fat, and unattractive… I know that isn’t the case, but it’s just how I feel at the moment…

I also joined a dating site last month.. Hoping maybe some attention would help boost my self-esteem. I just feel lonely, and I do feel ready to find someone… The process, however, has been slower and tougher than I thought… I find myself anxious at the thought of meeting up with someone when I’m this weight. I don’t want to be judged as I am now, because it’s about 10 pounds over the most I’ve ever weighed before this… And I feel like I’m not giving these guys a chance, really, because I find myself looking for my ex, K, or someone to be him.. And that’s not fair to them.. They can’t fill his shoes. They can’t be him. But I feel like subconsciously I’ve been trying to find someone to replace him, or be him, or whatever…

It still hurts to think about him, which I still do often… I don’t try to, but I do. It makes me nauseous to think about him proposing, or being engaged, or thinking about him marrying her, them having kids… Them having the life I could have had with him instead… It literally makes me sick. Whenever he pops into my head, I have to tell myself, “No! Don’t go there.. Don’t think about it.. You can’t go there!” I guess I just still have so much regret there, and I don’t know how to get rid of it… I wish I could have changed things sooner, but I didn’t…

Maybe it sounds childish, or whatever, but I just really wish I could find somebody else to love instead.. Focus on the new love and the positives instead of the past and things that can never be… Not that I only want to find someone just to be distracted, because that’s not the case! I just think it would help me to move on… I want to love and be loved. I want that so badly…. It’s been more than 5 years since K and I broke up. 5 freaking years! And I am still this torn up about him and it!?!?

I don’t understand it.. I’ve analyzed myself and what happened, and I know things can never go back or change. It’s too late. I accept that. My brain gets these things, but my heart won’t let go.

Maybe I need to go on antidepressants… I don’t know.. I feel like a crazy person sometimes because it has been so long and I still feel so strongly about it…

Anywho- my computer is about to die.. I promise, it won’t be so long before I write again..

xoxo and positive vibes, Aly