Reflecting on this Easter Eve

Did I ever mention that K and I started dating officially on Easter? I don’t think I have… It was March 17th.. 7 years ago now, when we first started dating.

Every Easter, I remember…

I wish I could message him. I can’t, I know. I shouldn’t even think about it.

Why isn’t this getting any better? It is what it is now, no going back, no chance of fixing things, nothing.

I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to regret, and be sad, and hurt.

It doesn’t do any good to think about my mistakes or regrets, or him. So why can’t I stop it?!

It’s been so long.. And yet, I’m still surprised at how many years ago its been. It seems like I blinked and years passed. I literally felt like I was in a coma for 4 years (an unhappy, unhealthy, depressed state that can barely be called “living”) while with J. And during that time I lost K. I let him go because I didn’t think I needed him, only to awake to find he was the only real thing I had ever had in my life. And it was too late.

I was too late.

And here I am, trying to live now. Maybe I’m just pretending… I’m just a leaf floating down a river, just going with the flow, dreaming about where I was before- a part of a beautiful, healthy, living tree. And now I’m just alone floating down a cold river…

I’m not making any sense… It’s late, and I’ve been fighting an awful virus this week…

Happy Easter everyone! ❤

Xoxo Aly