Sleepless Nights for a Restless Mind

It’s been two and a half weeks now, since my learning that K is married. It took a few days to set in, or maybe it was just all the crying-myself-to-sleep business, but I have found myself struggling with insomnia…

Like a long lost friend, it’s back and in full force. Restless mind, restless body.  Tossing, turning, flipping over. No matter if I’ve had a busy day or a mellow one, each night I find myself wide awake in my bed, trying to sleep because the world doesn’t stop or wait for my little old problem to pass.

I haven’t cried myself to sleep in a while… Maybe that would help… The sleeping anyway…

Emotionally, I’m completely closed off. As awful as it may sound, (and please don’t read this as me being dramatic over here), my soul feels dead. Black, voidless, empty. Closed off and sealed away maybe. But to me, it feels like my soul has died. Well, a part of it maybe… Not the whole thing, but a big chunk… 

I still have faith that God has a plan and a future for me. It’s hard to imagine anyone else being more perfect for me. And it’s even harder to think that one day I won’t still hurt over K. I really can’t imagine not living with this pain and heartache. But I wish it could happen already…

I HATE that he’s married. I hate thinking about it. Any time it crosses my mind, I feel this hole in my stomach. And I can’t stand thinking about her at all. Picturing them or their wedding or their new house together or her living with my dog I bought K. That should have been me, not her. 

Ugh.. Will I ever get past it? Will I ever forgive myself? What must it be like to have no regret weighing on me all the time?? 

Enough random ramblings for the night? Maybe writing this all out will help me finally get some sleep tonight…

I doubt it…

Xoxo Aly

Fears

It’s been more than six and a half years since K and I broke up. ((Gosh, has it really been so long?!))

More than 3 and a half years since I was able to realize my mistake and started living with this daily regret.

Two weeks since W Day. 

I’ve cried it out. Drank it away. Prayed and wished to forget him, to not remember him at all because, as awful as it is, I would rather not remember him anymore than keep living with this hurt. Especially now that he is officially married.

God… He’s married…

I’ve been living with this regret so long, I don’t remember what it’s like to live without it.

I’ve tried moving on, dating guys, ignoring/not thinking about it or him. 

I know God has someone for me, even if it’s not K like I had hoped. And I know one day I’ll have a family, babies and a husband… As always, my fears are that I will never get over K.

That one day my future husband will come to know or resent the fact that I wished he was some other man. Or that my future kids will find out I wanted someone else more than their own father. That I wished they were my kids with another man…

You see, I can’t imagine not caring or getting over K. I can’t imagine getting to that point where I won’t regret it or think about it anymore… It’s an unwanted second-nature to me. He’ll always be there. In the back of my mind, tucked away in a deep corner of my heart…

And I fear the consequences that will lead to in my future.

Do I sound completely crazy yet? Am I making and sense at all??

Well, I’ve been crying while writing this entire post, so I’m going to go straighten myself out and put on my mask of being OK.

Xoxo aly

Love Purgatory

So I saw this article reposted by a page on Facebook earlier today… And my God, it’s like it was written about me… Literally everything about it, is exactly how I’ve been feeling..

Even if I can’t sometimes find the words to describe how I’m feeling about K and why I haven’t been able to get over him, I think I can say this article says it for me..

Enjoy!

Breakups are always hard because you have to mourn someone you loved and lost.

But, time heals everything, and eventually, you’ll meet someone else. Eventually, that former lover will become a distant memory.

But, this kind of breakup is not the same. This breakup happened with a person who, no matter what you do, you cannot get over.

Not a day goes by that this person doesn’t cross your mind and your heart feels heavy.

It’s usually because the relationship is unfinished. But, you can’t tell yourself that, and you certainly can’t believe it because it will literally drive you mad.

So instead, you tell yourself you are fine, and that you can move on. You get pretty close to fooling yourself.

That is, until you hear that song, see that photo, yearn to share something or wake up thinking about him or her.

Then you are right back to square one.

There are so many people who come in and out of your life. Some you date briefly and never give a second thought to, and some you like a lot, but it doesn’t work out.

Then, there are some who crush you, who take months to get over.

But this is different; this is the feeling you get when you know something has to end right now but isn’t over for good.

You can’t just say, “I wish you the best” and move on. You can’t end that chapter because you know you can’t quit them. Not yet, and maybe not ever.

And then, you are thrust into what I like to call “love purgatory.”

It’s a place where you know who the love of your life is, but you aren’t currently together.

Maybe you dated briefly, maybe you had a full-fledged relationship or maybe, you have never been officially together.

The connection with this person is so real and strong and magnetic that you are constantly pulled back. The relationship hasn’t reached its potential yet, so it can’t be over.

In fact, this might be the person you end up with. But, you aren’t together now because of timing, schedules, missed opportunities or blah, blah, blah.

So, you sit in love purgatory, just biding your time until you can both find each other again.

You don’t just sit around and listen to sad music and wait though.

You find distractions and push away what you feel in order to be a sane enough human being to function in life.

You meet other amazing, beautiful people with whom you want to work things out, but it never happens because something is off. He or she just isn’t _____ (fill in the blank with your person).

“She’s not Rachel,” is the famous line from “Friends.”

Although, it actually went more like, “She’s not Rachem,” for laughs. And, that is what this person, who has kept you in love purgatory, makes you feel; no one can ever compare.

Because when you know, you know. That connection comes around once, maybe twice, in a lifetime.

Your friends think you’re crazy, and you yourself feel crazy. Why, in a world full of billions of other people, are you allowing one to keep holding you back. You can’t answer that question.

“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.” — Blaise Pascal

Some people meet someone, date, fall in love and live happily ever after.

Many others are not quite so fortunate. Some of us have to fight, breakup, makeup and go through hell with our person until it finally works out.

Maybe the problem is, again, timing. Maybe you have to learn and grow more before you can settle down.

Whatever the problem is, you know that eventually, the two of you will find each other again.

Because like Ross and Rachel, Carrie and Mr. Big, Allie and Noah and all the great love stories from movies and television, there are just some people who you can’t let go of and never will.

But, until you find your way back, you miserably sit in love purgatory, hoping to find someone or something to keep you occupied long enough to not self-destruct.

Some people will be outraged about this and think, “This is not how love is supposed to be,” or, “If you were mature about love it wouldn’t be this hard.”

But I beg to disagree, and would counter with, “How do you know?” Just because things were easy for you doesn’t mean they will be easier for everyone else.

People are very complicated and love is sometimes messy.

If it’s not that way for you, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means your path was easier.

For those of us currently in love purgatory, we will one day be with our person, too.

credit elitedaily

http://trendingstylist.com/love-purgatory/

xoxo Aly

Balance

It’s been 7 days since K got married. 4 days since I found out.

I am going through ups and downs… It’s mostly at night that I cry. Driving home from work. Laying in bed while trying to fall asleep. During the rest of my days, I just feel numb. My heart feels dead. I don’t feel anything in my heart anymore. Except the occasional sharp, stabbing pain when I remember that this is real.

I got some great news that I finally got a temporary (90 day) job at a hospital. I’ve been trying for over 2 years to get hired on at one of the local hospitals. Just as reception/front desk. So that’s great. I’m really excited and happy, because I’ve been so down on myself lately. Feeling like I have nothing going for me. And then God sends me this gift of a job.. He must have known I really needed it…

But I can’t help but be sad… What wouldn’t I give up or trade to have it be me he was with, married to?

He’s married.

He’s married.

He’s married.

I keep telling myself. Well, I go back and forth between telling myself, and not allowing my mind to even think about him and it.

It’s real. I get it. I know it. But at the same time it doesn’t feel real.

It hurts too much. Does it sound awful that I wish I didn’t remember him?? I pray, over and over, to forget, to not remember, to not care…

I’m tired of hurting. I don’t know what it’s like to not hurt, to not regret, to be happy…

Funny how like tries to balance itself out, isn’t it? Find out one day the worst news possible, then the very next day get a call for an interview and offered the job 2 days later. Not ideal, but the job is probably the best of things that could possibly happen for me right now. The best and the worst, just days apart.

*sigh*

hope everyone is having a nice weekend so far..

xo Aly.

Dark Dreams

I found out today, K is married now. He got married on Saturday. I cried for over an hour. Hyperventilating. Sick to my stomach. Felt like I was going to pass out.

Now, I just feel like I’m in a dream. This can’t be my reality…

I feel that hole in my stomach, in my soul. Jagged, sharp, hurting, and hollow.

I knew this day would come. I’ve been dreading it for 3 years. When I found out last October that he was engaged, I took it hard, but there was still that tiny glimmer of hope in my soul.

And now that’s crushed too.

Dust in the wind.

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-A.