Dark Dreams

I found out today, K is married now. He got married on Saturday. I cried for over an hour. Hyperventilating. Sick to my stomach. Felt like I was going to pass out.

Now, I just feel like I’m in a dream. This can’t be my reality…

I feel that hole in my stomach, in my soul. Jagged, sharp, hurting, and hollow.

I knew this day would come. I’ve been dreading it for 3 years. When I found out last October that he was engaged, I took it hard, but there was still that tiny glimmer of hope in my soul.

And now that’s crushed too.

Dust in the wind.

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-A.

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5 thoughts on “Dark Dreams

  1. Everyone has to find a way of letting go. Whether the heart is broken by choice or not; I guess one has to put the feet on the ground. I have been hit by suicide and PTSD. I guess feeling something is better than being numb. But I am not sure. What I am sure of is that one learns compassion by having the heart busted. The only way for me is to be there for others. There is rellef with that.

    • Letting go has been difficult for me. It still is… I just feel myself retreating into my shell. I feel my walls coming up, and all I feel like doing is hiding behind them… I know this will pass. It’s just a tough day right now..

      thank you!

  2. I don’t what to say to this post. I know there are moments where I feel bitter and broken, asking “How is if fair that she could leave so easily while I remain pained and imprisoned?” It just hurts…
    I believed in something – in her – with my entire soul…and I wonder if it will ever be possible to experience that partnered love ever again…
    Anyway…hugs.

    • I can’t even imagine experiencing that kind of love again… I try. I hope for it… But all that keeps playing in my mind is that I messed up the only good thing I had in my life, and now he’s married. No chance of redemption. No chance of fixing my mistakes.

      It’s been 3 days and I still feel like I’m in a dream. I’m stuck in this fog. Damned if I think about it, and damned if I try not to…

      Thanks Nathan.. I appreciate you.. As much as I wish no one else had to feel this kind of pain, I feel like you’re one of the very few people who understands how I’m feeling..

      xoxo

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