Balance

It’s been 7 days since K got married. 4 days since I found out.

I am going through ups and downs… It’s mostly at night that I cry. Driving home from work. Laying in bed while trying to fall asleep. During the rest of my days, I just feel numb. My heart feels dead. I don’t feel anything in my heart anymore. Except the occasional sharp, stabbing pain when I remember that this is real.

I got some great news that I finally got a temporary (90 day) job at a hospital. I’ve been trying for over 2 years to get hired on at one of the local hospitals. Just as reception/front desk. So that’s great. I’m really excited and happy, because I’ve been so down on myself lately. Feeling like I have nothing going for me. And then God sends me this gift of a job.. He must have known I really needed it…

But I can’t help but be sad… What wouldn’t I give up or trade to have it be me he was with, married to?

He’s married.

He’s married.

He’s married.

I keep telling myself. Well, I go back and forth between telling myself, and not allowing my mind to even think about him and it.

It’s real. I get it. I know it. But at the same time it doesn’t feel real.

It hurts too much. Does it sound awful that I wish I didn’t remember him?? I pray, over and over, to forget, to not remember, to not care…

I’m tired of hurting. I don’t know what it’s like to not hurt, to not regret, to be happy…

Funny how like tries to balance itself out, isn’t it? Find out one day the worst news possible, then the very next day get a call for an interview and offered the job 2 days later. Not ideal, but the job is probably the best of things that could possibly happen for me right now. The best and the worst, just days apart.

*sigh*

hope everyone is having a nice weekend so far..

xo Aly.

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4 thoughts on “Balance

  1. Life – for me anyway – seems fueled by melancholy and irony at times and I’m not sure just how to process anything. Some days I just feel the weight of her absence pulling me under as I get caught up in the swell of “should be…” Other days the plateau is numb and even. I wish I had the words to cure and lift you.
    I can, however…be your friend if you’d like. I could do with a new one and it does seem to help. You can find me on FB. Mine would be the one riddled with pics of my son and a laundry list of San Diego musicians as friends…

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