It’s been more than six and a half years since K and I broke up. ((Gosh, has it really been so long?!))
More than 3 and a half years since I was able to realize my mistake and started living with this daily regret.
Two weeks since W Day.
I’ve cried it out. Drank it away. Prayed and wished to forget him, to not remember him at all because, as awful as it is, I would rather not remember him anymore than keep living with this hurt. Especially now that he is officially married.
God… He’s married…
I’ve been living with this regret so long, I don’t remember what it’s like to live without it.
I’ve tried moving on, dating guys, ignoring/not thinking about it or him.
I know God has someone for me, even if it’s not K like I had hoped. And I know one day I’ll have a family, babies and a husband… As always, my fears are that I will never get over K.
That one day my future husband will come to know or resent the fact that I wished he was some other man. Or that my future kids will find out I wanted someone else more than their own father. That I wished they were my kids with another man…
You see, I can’t imagine not caring or getting over K. I can’t imagine getting to that point where I won’t regret it or think about it anymore… It’s an unwanted second-nature to me. He’ll always be there. In the back of my mind, tucked away in a deep corner of my heart…
And I fear the consequences that will lead to in my future.
Do I sound completely crazy yet? Am I making and sense at all??
Well, I’ve been crying while writing this entire post, so I’m going to go straighten myself out and put on my mask of being OK.