Sleepless Nights for a Restless Mind

It’s been two and a half weeks now, since my learning that K is married. It took a few days to set in, or maybe it was just all the crying-myself-to-sleep business, but I have found myself struggling with insomnia…

Like a long lost friend, it’s back and in full force. Restless mind, restless body.  Tossing, turning, flipping over. No matter if I’ve had a busy day or a mellow one, each night I find myself wide awake in my bed, trying to sleep because the world doesn’t stop or wait for my little old problem to pass.

I haven’t cried myself to sleep in a while… Maybe that would help… The sleeping anyway…

Emotionally, I’m completely closed off. As awful as it may sound, (and please don’t read this as me being dramatic over here), my soul feels dead. Black, voidless, empty. Closed off and sealed away maybe. But to me, it feels like my soul has died. Well, a part of it maybe… Not the whole thing, but a big chunk… 

I still have faith that God has a plan and a future for me. It’s hard to imagine anyone else being more perfect for me. And it’s even harder to think that one day I won’t still hurt over K. I really can’t imagine not living with this pain and heartache. But I wish it could happen already…

I HATE that he’s married. I hate thinking about it. Any time it crosses my mind, I feel this hole in my stomach. And I can’t stand thinking about her at all. Picturing them or their wedding or their new house together or her living with my dog I bought K. That should have been me, not her. 

Ugh.. Will I ever get past it? Will I ever forgive myself? What must it be like to have no regret weighing on me all the time?? 

Enough random ramblings for the night? Maybe writing this all out will help me finally get some sleep tonight…

I doubt it…

Xoxo Aly

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