A darkness

There is a darkness in me. It pulses deep down in a dark corner somewhere inside of me. It’s there. I first glimpsed it when I was 15 or so. My first real dark moment in my life… Life leaves it’s marks in all of us. I still struggle daily with fighting off the despair and grief that so easily can rise to the surface. At any moment, I could break out in tears, if I give in to it. Right now. 

It’s sadistically comical how I used to have to hide my emotions and true feelings from people like my ex J- I constantly had to act like I didn’t care about K still, so much so that I literally disconnected with everything in my life and my emotions to the point of feeling like I had woken out of a coma when I finally broke up with him. I had to deny to him and myself what I really felt, for over 3 years.

And now I feel like I’m having to do the same. I literally coach myself on a daily basis to either not think about K (as soon as my mind goes to him, I make myself put it out of my mind and reject any thoughts of him), or I train my brain to consciously think of him while focusing my emotions on feeling indifferent or numb or uncaring. Is this awful to say? 

It’s been 6 years and I can still burst into tears on a dime over him. This pain, this darkness, will always be with me. I know in my heart, this is not ever going to go away. I will always have my regrets when it comes to him. I’m just now trying to learn or reach myself how to live with it. How to function. How to not be consumed by my grief and regret and sadness.

I pray that I could forget him and everything about him. I wish I could forget everything about him, our relationship, everything. I wish I could take all memory of him out of me. 

I’m tired of this. No one likes being in pain, but it’s been so many years of this! I’m tired of hurting and crying and regretting and thinking of him. The hurt is not going away, it’s not getting better.

I honestly just wish I could erase him from my memory… 

Dreams

I had such a vivid dream about Kiegon last night. We were talking and I was saying all the things that are still on my heart and mind about him. For a while it was just me and him, taking. Then my family members were in the ba ground, walking around. My nieces, who I always wished he could have met. And then his now wife… She was in this dream.

Ugh. Will this ever go away? I’m tearing up just from typing that word. She kept approaching me and telling me to get over him and why can’t I let go of him and that kind of thing. 

Obviously, even my subconscious gets it! My head knows it, my dreams understand, but my heart won’t let go.

Why can’t I just forget him, and her, and their happy freaking life together? I thought I was done having dreams about him.. It just makes it so much harder when I dream of him. Brings everything back up and makes it that much harder…

It’s been on my mind all day at work. And no one else in my life understands what I continue to go through. They all don’t get it- why I can’t let go, or what I still struggle with.

There is nothing anyone can tell me that I haven’t already thought of myself. If I can’t be with him, I really just wish I could forget him. Forget we ever happened. That would be easier than struggling every day knowing the love of my life married someone else.

Stay

“Stay” Florida-Georgia Line

“I’d sell my soul just to see your face. 

And I’d break my bones just to heal your pain.

In these times I need a saving grace, but time is running out and I’m starting to lose my faith.

But if I told you I loved you, would it make you want to stay?

I’m sorry for the way I hurt you and making you walk away.

(I should have took the time to tell you)

And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you every day, would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home and stay?

(I can’t go another day without you)

Would it make you, make you, wanna stay?

(Girl you gotta know I love you)

My heart’s on my sleeve, but it’s turning black.

(I guess I know what it feels like it to be alone)

Without your touch I’m not gonna last.

(I know you know that I need ya just to carry on)

It feels like my walls are caving in.

(You’d always hold me before I left you hanging on)

And I’ll do anything to have you here again.

But if I told you I loved you, would it make you want to stay?

I’m sorry for the way I hurt you and making you walk away.

(I should have took the time to tell you)

And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you every day, would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home and stay?

(I can’t go another day without you)

Yeah, the days are cold, the nights are long. 

And I can’t stand to be alone.

Please know this is not your fault.

And all I want…
Is to tell you I love you and make you wanna stay.
There’s gotta be a way, ’cause going on without you is killing me everyday.

And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you every day, would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home and stay?
(I can’t go another day without you)

Would it make you, make you, wanna stay?

(Girl you gotta know I love you)

Would it make you, make you, wanna stay?

(I can’t go another day without you)

Would it make you, make you, wanna stay?”

I love the lyrics to this song… And country music, specifically, I can relate to so many song lyrics. This somg’s been in my head the past few days, and so has K…. 

This time of year is especially hard- this is the time of year we broke up, and the holidays are coming… Another year of being single for the holidays- oh joy! 

Hope everyone has a wonderful week!

Xoxo Aly.

Therapy

It’s been too long since I’ve written. This right here, this is my therapy. This is where I can come to speak my mind and heart. Even if no one is listening, even if it’s just for myself, to get these things going on inside of me out into the universe, that’s perfectly fine by me.

I stopped writing on here after I found out K did get married. Ugh- it still stings to even write it out. And just like every other thing in life I don’t want to face or deal with, I ran away from blogging so that I wouldn’t have to. Funny how one little personality trait can manifest in so many aspects. Really though- I hate “talks” in relationships, I avoid conflict with anyone like it’s the plague, if someone asks me out and I don’t want to hurt their feelings by saying “No” I just don’t respond… And I stopped writing to avoid dealing with talking about how finding out he was married crushed me. It doesn’t change the facts. I knew it would come… I guess I just wasn’t ready to open my heart and mind for a while, while I digested it. I haven’t been ready to face this hurting, but I think I need to now.

For about 3 months, I didn’t do so well. It wasn’t quite as dark as when I found out he had gotten engaged. At least the engagement itself was a clue that marriage was coming. But what could I do? Nothing. There was nothing I could have done, so I started to accept it and let go. I guess I shouldn’t use past tense, huh? I have been doing better. I am doing better. But I am human, and these feelings will never leave me. This scar will always be there, He will always be a sore spot for me, his name and memory will always be a tender area in my heart.

And today was tough. It was a really, really hard day. Work was rough- I don’t think I really like my new job very much. The people are nice enough, but just the feel of the offices I just don’t like.. I’m really feeling lonely today as well. I’m crying as I type- it’s been a few weeks since I’ve cried over K, I think. Everything is a lesson, I know I know… I’ll “do better next time”.. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This hurt has not gotten any better or easier. I think I’m just learned to cope and deal with it better. This hole in my heart still hurts as bad as it did 3 years ago when I first began realizing my regrets about letting go of K. It feels like a hole going right through the middle of me, ripping me apart from the inside out.

These days are further and further between now. So I guess that’s progress. Gosh- I was doing so good this weekend. Really, the last two weeks have been excellent. Why did today have to go this way? There were no triggers, that I can think of. Nothing different than any other day. I kind of think of it as a bubble that’s deep down, and every once in a while, that bubble is going to rise to the surface. As long as something is there, it’s always going to continue to bubble up. Like magma and a volcano…

Tomorrow will be better. I’ll be better. I’ll fall asleep fast from all this crying, and I won’t dream of him, and tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow, these tears and this pain tonight will seem like the dream…

xoxo Aly