A darkness

There is a darkness in me. It pulses deep down in a dark corner somewhere inside of me. It’s there. I first glimpsed it when I was 15 or so. My first real dark moment in my life… Life leaves it’s marks in all of us. I still struggle daily with fighting off the despair and grief that so easily can rise to the surface. At any moment, I could break out in tears, if I give in to it. Right now. 

It’s sadistically comical how I used to have to hide my emotions and true feelings from people like my ex J- I constantly had to act like I didn’t care about K still, so much so that I literally disconnected with everything in my life and my emotions to the point of feeling like I had woken out of a coma when I finally broke up with him. I had to deny to him and myself what I really felt, for over 3 years.

And now I feel like I’m having to do the same. I literally coach myself on a daily basis to either not think about K (as soon as my mind goes to him, I make myself put it out of my mind and reject any thoughts of him), or I train my brain to consciously think of him while focusing my emotions on feeling indifferent or numb or uncaring. Is this awful to say? 

It’s been 6 years and I can still burst into tears on a dime over him. This pain, this darkness, will always be with me. I know in my heart, this is not ever going to go away. I will always have my regrets when it comes to him. I’m just now trying to learn or reach myself how to live with it. How to function. How to not be consumed by my grief and regret and sadness.

I pray that I could forget him and everything about him. I wish I could forget everything about him, our relationship, everything. I wish I could take all memory of him out of me. 

I’m tired of this. No one likes being in pain, but it’s been so many years of this! I’m tired of hurting and crying and regretting and thinking of him. The hurt is not going away, it’s not getting better.

I honestly just wish I could erase him from my memory… 

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