Lonely

Being lonely is awful. As human beings, we were created to have companions. All of us crave companionship. And when we go through times of being “alone” it can really get to us.

For the most part, I’ve enjoyed my time being single these last few years. Yes, I do want a relationship (when the right one for me comes along). Yes, I do want to settle down and have a family (very badly, but I would rather keep waiting than settle). But every once in a while, the loneliness creeps in and gets to me.

It sucks. And, for me at least, it’s times like these that make it hard to stay strong. I crave attention and companionship. We all do! And day after day, having no one special to text with, or hug, or kiss, or love… It sucks! And I find myself thinking of past interests.. 

“Oh he was really into me- maybe I didn’t give him a honest chance before..” Or “oh, he was really fun to hang out with- I bet he would be interested if I texted him…” 

Is it just me who does this? It’s hard for me to tell if I’m really genuinely wanting to give a guy another shot at dating, or if it’s just loneliness pushing me to think back to the last time someone showed me any attention…

Like Mat. I’ve really been praying and trying to figure out if I really want to give things another shot with him or if I’m just feeling lonely. He was a great, genuinely good guy. On paper, he met a lot of my major wants in a partner. But before I never felt physical/sexual attraction to him. I know I wasn’t fully open towards him last year when we casually dated, and part of me was still very shattered over K’s engagement… Would things be different if we tried dating again? Assuming he would even want to, that is. I’m sure he would be guarded since I kind of just broke things off out of the blue, to him at least.

Being lonely is awful. It makes me feel so down, about myself and life in general. I wish I had someone here with me to be affectionate with. To cuddle, and talk to, and kiss…

It will be soooo nice once I finally get those things.. One day.. Lol

Xoxo Aly

Coinsidenses

So I ran into Mat, the guy I dated for a few months at the end of last year.. We have mutual friends, so we ran into each other at a Halloween party over the weekend..

When we first were set up by a mutual friend, it was weird how it came about. I was literally in the middle of hard core crying over K and praying about God bringing a good man into my life. And right away, my friend texted me about going on a double date. Coincidence..? 

I gave it a shot, and he met a lot of my checklist for qualities I would want in a life partner, but over the two months or so we casually dated, I wasn’t sure if I felt any physical attraction to him. And meanwhile, I could tell he was starting to get very invested… So I cut him off and ended things because I didn’t want to lead him on if I wasn’t feeling the same.

And then earlier this year we ran into each other at our mutual friends house, and he invited me to hangout. This was the time I got super drunk off wine and ended up telling him about K and how I wasn’t over him and always had hoped one day we would get back together, and that I had been going through a hard time after learning of his engagement (I used this as the excuse for why I broke things off last year). Side note- of the several people I’ve casually dates, he is the only one I’ve told about K. I was drunk and crying and emotional, at the time, but maybe it’s another sign that he would be the only person I kind of opened up to…?

Now it just so happens that I’m pretty sure he is the one from whom I found out K had gotten married. I don’t even know for sure if he knows my ex, but this last time I saw him (when we both got wine drunk and I opened up to him a little about “my ex”), he mentioned a person with K’s name who had gotten married on May 30th. The day after this conversation, I found out my K had gotten married on that day, and K had a very unique name. So it’s just another weird sign that he would be the one to inadvertently tell me about K getting married…

I don’t want to read too much into it, or pursue him until I’m sure. I don’t want to hurt him or anything again. Maybe since I am finally ready and wanting to move on from K, my mind is again looking back to the last time I had something “good” which was Mat. Maybe I didn’t give him a really chance before and that’s why I didn’t feel attraction to him (even though he had a lot of qualities I would want in a man)? I don’t know… 

But since I saw him saturday, all day yesterday I had it on my mind and heart. During church, it just stayed on my mind. So I texted him last night. My first text I apologized if I was the reason he left the party early or if it was awkward, and he responded that it was just because his sober driving was leaving at that time. And I responded that it looked like everyone had fun. He didn’t respond to that, and half an hour or so later I sent a long text just apologizing for the times I just disappeared and that I had been going through some stuff then, and he never responded to that. I’m sure he saw it. I was just trying to clear the air and own up to anything I had done wrong back then. Not necessarily saying it in a way that I wanted to date again (I don’t even know if I would want that). But maybe he took it that way and he isn’t responding because he is now guarded because I already kind of hurt him once…?

I’m praying about it, but I feel confused… :/

Xoxo Aly.

Halloween Night

Today marks one year since I found out K was engaged. Seems like a lifetime ago… And yesterday marked 5 months since they got married..

It’s been such a tough week. I’ve really been struggling. I need to let go of all this. I want to be over him. I don’t want to keep living my life this way. I don’t know what else I can do though.. 

6 years, 1 month since he and I broke up. 3 years, 1 month since I realized I still loved him and the regrets set in. 1 year since I found out they were engaged. 5 months since they got married. This is what my life has come to… Fixating and counting on all these days..

When does it stop? When do i get to move on? Why can’t I forget? When do I get to find someone and be happy too?

Everyone likes to say “Time heals all wounds” but does it really?? When?! I’ve yet to experience it, even though I pray for it every day. For a long time I didn’t want to be over him… But I do now, and I have wanted to for a long time too… 

I don’t understand why I still am so hurt and upset and regretful.. It’s been sooooo long. He’s a stranger to me, now. He’s a distant memory from my past, or at least he should be. I don’t know him anymore. I haven’t seen him in years… 

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of this hurt inside of me. It’s like a huge hole right through the center of me, that won’t heal. 

I want to forget him. Or at least not care anymore. Why can’t he be like any of my other exes in my mind? I don’t think about them, or care about what they’re doing. I never even cried after breaking up with J…. 

But here I am, laying in bed on Halloween night, feeling like a crazy person, crying over a man I loved 6 years ago. Doesn’t help that I am feeling really insecure about my body today. I feel fat and unattractive.. Ugh.. Something needs to change..

Happy fucking Halloween. 

Xoxo Aly.