Halloween Night

Today marks one year since I found out K was engaged. Seems like a lifetime ago… And yesterday marked 5 months since they got married..

It’s been such a tough week. I’ve really been struggling. I need to let go of all this. I want to be over him. I don’t want to keep living my life this way. I don’t know what else I can do though.. 

6 years, 1 month since he and I broke up. 3 years, 1 month since I realized I still loved him and the regrets set in. 1 year since I found out they were engaged. 5 months since they got married. This is what my life has come to… Fixating and counting on all these days..

When does it stop? When do i get to move on? Why can’t I forget? When do I get to find someone and be happy too?

Everyone likes to say “Time heals all wounds” but does it really?? When?! I’ve yet to experience it, even though I pray for it every day. For a long time I didn’t want to be over him… But I do now, and I have wanted to for a long time too… 

I don’t understand why I still am so hurt and upset and regretful.. It’s been sooooo long. He’s a stranger to me, now. He’s a distant memory from my past, or at least he should be. I don’t know him anymore. I haven’t seen him in years… 

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of this hurt inside of me. It’s like a huge hole right through the center of me, that won’t heal. 

I want to forget him. Or at least not care anymore. Why can’t he be like any of my other exes in my mind? I don’t think about them, or care about what they’re doing. I never even cried after breaking up with J…. 

But here I am, laying in bed on Halloween night, feeling like a crazy person, crying over a man I loved 6 years ago. Doesn’t help that I am feeling really insecure about my body today. I feel fat and unattractive.. Ugh.. Something needs to change..

Happy fucking Halloween. 

Xoxo Aly.

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