Coinsidenses

So I ran into Mat, the guy I dated for a few months at the end of last year.. We have mutual friends, so we ran into each other at a Halloween party over the weekend..

When we first were set up by a mutual friend, it was weird how it came about. I was literally in the middle of hard core crying over K and praying about God bringing a good man into my life. And right away, my friend texted me about going on a double date. Coincidence..? 

I gave it a shot, and he met a lot of my checklist for qualities I would want in a life partner, but over the two months or so we casually dated, I wasn’t sure if I felt any physical attraction to him. And meanwhile, I could tell he was starting to get very invested… So I cut him off and ended things because I didn’t want to lead him on if I wasn’t feeling the same.

And then earlier this year we ran into each other at our mutual friends house, and he invited me to hangout. This was the time I got super drunk off wine and ended up telling him about K and how I wasn’t over him and always had hoped one day we would get back together, and that I had been going through a hard time after learning of his engagement (I used this as the excuse for why I broke things off last year). Side note- of the several people I’ve casually dates, he is the only one I’ve told about K. I was drunk and crying and emotional, at the time, but maybe it’s another sign that he would be the only person I kind of opened up to…?

Now it just so happens that I’m pretty sure he is the one from whom I found out K had gotten married. I don’t even know for sure if he knows my ex, but this last time I saw him (when we both got wine drunk and I opened up to him a little about “my ex”), he mentioned a person with K’s name who had gotten married on May 30th. The day after this conversation, I found out my K had gotten married on that day, and K had a very unique name. So it’s just another weird sign that he would be the one to inadvertently tell me about K getting married…

I don’t want to read too much into it, or pursue him until I’m sure. I don’t want to hurt him or anything again. Maybe since I am finally ready and wanting to move on from K, my mind is again looking back to the last time I had something “good” which was Mat. Maybe I didn’t give him a really chance before and that’s why I didn’t feel attraction to him (even though he had a lot of qualities I would want in a man)? I don’t know… 

But since I saw him saturday, all day yesterday I had it on my mind and heart. During church, it just stayed on my mind. So I texted him last night. My first text I apologized if I was the reason he left the party early or if it was awkward, and he responded that it was just because his sober driving was leaving at that time. And I responded that it looked like everyone had fun. He didn’t respond to that, and half an hour or so later I sent a long text just apologizing for the times I just disappeared and that I had been going through some stuff then, and he never responded to that. I’m sure he saw it. I was just trying to clear the air and own up to anything I had done wrong back then. Not necessarily saying it in a way that I wanted to date again (I don’t even know if I would want that). But maybe he took it that way and he isn’t responding because he is now guarded because I already kind of hurt him once…?

I’m praying about it, but I feel confused… :/

Xoxo Aly.

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