To Do or Not To Do….

K’s birthday is in 2 days… The last 2-3 years I’ve texted him a simple ‘Happy birthday K’ and we ended up talking for hours each time… Last year I wasn’t sure if I should, I debated it all day long before finally texting him at like 3 in the afternoon, but I ended up being happy I did because we talked until 5 am.

I don’t know if I should this year though. Well, actually, I know I probably shouldn’t. He’s engaged. Maybe I should just leave him alone and let him be happy. But I want to text him. With no expectations, of course. I didn’t have any expectations last year, and that turned out ok for me…. Just a simple, ‘happy birthday’. What could it hurt??

I feel so lame, that I look forward to his birthday each year just because it’s the one day I have a valid reason to text him.

Part of me is curious if he would reply back this year. I wonder if he will ask how I’m doing with everything, like he did last year. I wonder if he still would care enough to see how I’m doing, trying to move on and heal from him, like he did last year.

But is there anything good that can come from it? Maybe some closure on my part… I don’t know what to do… I’ve been going back and forth on what I’ll do for a couple days now. And I’m sure I’ll change my find several times the next few days as well…

xoxo Aly

Body Language

Last night, I saw Mat again. And with all my thinking lately about how I’m not sure how I feel towards him, I couldn’t help but be hyper aware of my body language towards him. I definitely think it is unconscious, but then I began to pay attention to how I am around him… And I was noticing it all night!

When we sit on the couch next to each other, I sit with my feet up to the side of me, in-between us. Comfy way for me to sit, but why don’t I sit the other way, leaning towards him? I prop myself up on the arm furthest from him, basically leaning my body away from him, not towards him… He always initiates hanging out, he is always the one to lean for a kiss first.

A few times we’ve gone into his room to lay down and talk.. The first time, I stayed sitting up at the foot of his bed while he was laying down. Last night, he wanted to cuddle.. Even though my body may have seemed relaxed, on the inside I was tense and stiff.. I noticed that i kept one arm across my stomach, kind of a self defensive thing that I do sometimes. He tried to kiss me more than a peck, and I just felt awkward.. You know that kind of awkward kiss where you both aren’t sure where to move or if you should do it? Well, anyway, we didn’t end up kissing with tongue.. lol

I feel closed off. And I don’t think I feel sparks or chemistry towards him, even though on paper he is the kind of guy I would want… I feel like I should like him more than I actually do

And it sucks because he is definitely more interested in me than I am in him.. And I hate hurting people!

I guess I’m just confused what to do.. I’m not sure if I don’t feel anything towards him because I’m not attracted or if I’m keeping myself closed off. Could I feel more towards him if I try to open up? Or am I just comfortable and used to settling that I can easily just slide back into that habit? Or do I really just not feel anything towards him?

I feel like it’s going to take a lot for me to open up to someone. He’s going to have to be pretty special. I feel like Ive learned and been through enough that I couldn’t “settle” even if I tried.. Maybe that’s where I’m at now.. I feel like I deserve to feel butterflies and sparks, at least in the beginning of a relationship. And I don’t feel that with Mat… And I feel like anything less is settling.

So maybe there’s my answer… I just want to say that I honestly gave it a good shot, tried to stick it out and tried to see if there was anything there.. I don’t like giving up.

Any advice?

xoxo Aly.

Sneak Peak anyone?

hmm.. So I’ve only written a few short scenes so far… Anyone interested in reading a bit?? This “scene” is not based on my personal life, like some parts will be, and i imagine this will happen later on in the story line…

Well… I guess here goes nothing? Keep in mind this is all still VERY rough. I’ve reread and rewritten parts it several times already…

From the moment I saw him I was drawn to him. My heart races, some unknown drug coursing through my veins, like an electric current, alien to my body. Like a moth to flame, the dark, emptiness of my heart gravitated to all that he was, all that he could offer. A different world, just what my soul needed; an escape from the crushing reality that was my life. How I could possibly know all this about him from across the room, I don’t understand. Only that his piercing blue/green eyes call to the deepest, most carnal part of my soul, a part that I didn’t believe still existed until moments ago.
Lost in a world of my own, a sudden shove from behind shatters my reverie, “Find a different place to stand, Bitch.” My eyes tear away as I stumble out of the way, murmuring a quiet form of apology. I feel a deep blush rise over my cheeks as I glimpse the vixen behind the voice. The woman is tall, blonde and gorgeous in a way that I could never be. From her perfectly curled and pinned up hair, to her six inch black stilettos, every inch of her projected a confidence and sexuality I could only dream of. The black and red corset hugs her body in the most delicious way, accentuating her small waist and ample curves. Her skin tight black pants appeared to be painted on, showing off her long legs, ending right about heels that I would rather go barefoot than chance taking two steps.
I let out a long breath as the woman walks away, without another glance for me, in the dim light of the club towards the bar. Standing near the entrance of the room, what else could I expect? Unwillingly, my eyes draw back to the man in the black suit. I expect to find his attention back on the group of people at his booth, but instead he seemed to have been watching the entire time. He is leaning forward now, elbow resting on his left leg; his forefinger gently moves back and forth across his lower lip, thumb resting on his chin. His gaze lingers for a moment more before returning to the small group of people surrounding him.

So that’s it for now… Any thoughts? I’m curious and excited to get some feed back!

xoxo Aly.

New Pastimes

So… I’ve started drawing out ideas for my book.. Gathering names and character profiles, and I’ve even started writing a few small scenes.. Even if nothing ever comes from this, I’m enjoying the distraction that it’s giving me.. I can lose myself in this. And I’m content to let myself do so…

I realized I really hate dating. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.. Sure, I may get a free drink or meal out of it, but I just hate the whole business.. Getting to know someone new, opening up, investing time… And then it all ends out to be for nothing, then on to the next, rewind and repeat. I hate feeling like I’m being fake or being reserved because I’m trying to impress and get to know some new guy and I don’t want to scare him off too soon. And then if I completely be myself, all sarcastic and sometimes pessimistic and whatnot, I feel like it’s not attractive to a new guy to see, so maybe he’ll lose interest. So then I’m back to not showing who I am 100% and it’s exhausting!!! Thinking about what is ok to do or say, and “oh darn! I should not have said that- I sounded like a bitch there for a second.. I hope he didn’t notice!”

Ugh. I’ve seen Mat 3 times within the last week. He is nice… But I don’t know if I feel anything. I haven’t had an urge to kiss him.. We did hold hands last night for a few minutes, but I felt like it was awkward and forced.. He seemed natural with it- he was running his thumb across my fingers gently…

I just don’t know.. I wish dating wasn’t so complicated.

Anyway. I’m glad I am starting this book project.. We’ll see what comes of it…

Xoxo Aly

Writing a Novel

So… I’ve been thinking lately… About writing a novel… It would obviously be a HUGE undertaking.. But I really almost feel a pull to do it…

I’m still brainstorming ideas.. Maybe something loosely reflective of my own past and heartbreaks… Maybe something similar to the story of K and me. I feel like putting myself in an objective, outsider’s stand point while also getting out everything that I have personally been feeling and experiencing.. Maybe it would help me heal. To (kind of) tell my story in a fiction form novel..

Idk.. maybe it sounds kind of crazy… Or stupid…

I have a few ideas of how i would write it.. Make it different and stand out…


Just something to think about…


In Other News…

I haven’t even blogged about my vacation or anything else lately, so I figured today is a good day to focus on the other things that have been going on in my life!

My cruise to the eastern caribbean was amazing!! We also spent 2 days in Miami, and that was incredibly fun too!! We found this little bar/restaurant on the bay that had incredible food and the best happy hour! We went to South Beach for the day too, went shopping a little and just explored.. Once we finally got on the ship, I was amazed at how huge it was! There were sooo many different places to eat and things to do.. Even on the days we were at sea, there was more than enough stuff to do! Our ports were St Maarten, St Thomas and Nassau, Bahamas.. All of them were just how you picture the caribbean being- colorful buildings, tropical warm/humid weather, beaches to die for!! The water is so clear and warm, and fish just come right up to you! It’s actually kind of unnerving.. lol

I think St Thomas was my favorite stop because we saw so many creatures! A small octopus, a sea turtle, iguanas… we took tours of each port, but on St Thomas, I rented a snorkel and mask, so I was able to swim out and see them.. I literally hung out on the surface, like no more than 10 feet above the sea turtle, just watching him eat… It was sooooo cool!!

All in all, it was an incredible trip… Much needed, for sure! And I’m already planning my next cruise, this time to the Mediterranean in 2016!

In further news, I’m just about done with David. I texted him twice before I left, and he didn’t reply for over 3 weeks, until just the other day… And the text he finally did send me sounded and felt more like a pen-pal letter than a text to someone you were dating and hadn’t talked to in 3 and a half weeks! It was laughable, really… I didn’t even know what to say or how to respond, so I haven’t yet.. It’s been like 2 and a half days..

You know what? I think you guys just need to hear it…

Oh Alyssa, I hope you have been well, and that your cruise was amazing. I do think about you often. It’s snowed here the other day, not much, but enough to make me smile. I can’t wait for more. I’ve been sick for a while now, somehow got a respiratory infection and have been concocting home remedies to combat it, finally beginning to feel better. Chuck is such a happy dog here. I’ve been spending so much time with him and training and he’s developing into quite the perfect dog. My coworkers have convinced me to participate in “no shave november”. I already look half homeless after not shaving through October, but at the least my face will be warm I miss you, I will always be thinking good thoughts and sending them your way.

Seriously buddy?! I couldn’t help but laugh.. Is it just me or does it sound like someone writing a letter to a pen pal?

Anyone have advice for me? Should I respond? If so, what do I even say to that??

xoxo Aly.


When it comes down to it, feeling neglected is my downfall. Once I begin to feel it, I’m over it. It’s too late. I’m gone.

I don’t know why, but it just popped into my head out of the blue. Such a moment of clarity. An epiphany. And in every relationship I’ve been in, this is why I walked away. From each and every one…

All I did was go see a movie by myself. “Gone Girl” which was absolutely amazing. Best movie I’ve seen in a long time… But back to my realization…

It was true for my first boyfriend, back in high school. I felt unwanted and neglected. And I immediately went off and started dating a friend to make him jealous.

That second guy, I don’t really count. He was a rebound. Barely dated 2 months, and then I left him to go back to the first boyfriend. I’ll spare you the details, but that was such a mistake. First guy was crazy and the relationship was very unhealthy…

And then there was K. It was a fairytale, at first. I fell hard and fast. And somehow it was absolutely, throughly real. Until I began to feel neglected. I felt alone and unwanted. And because of my own issues, I couldn’t communicate at all about how i was feeling, so I found attention elsewhere. I met J, and felt wanted again. And so I gave up and walked away from K.

And then I felt like i had to stick in there with J, because he was the reason I left K, partially. I felt like I left something so good, that I had to make this new relationship better, work better, last… Even though realistically, I never felt more alone or not myself than when I was with J. I couldn’t be me.

It took a long time, but when I finally left, it was as if I were literally waking up out of a coma. Somehow 3 and a half years of my life passed by. I had lived as if in a dream, or coma, as I said before. I was a shell. Depressed, isolated, withdrawn.

And once I finally worked up the courage to leave, it was like waking up, seeing the sunshine for the first time in years. My eyes opened. And all of the hurt and pain I felt, especially from how I walked away from K, came rushing back like it had happened yesterday. I don’t know anyone who has ever been in a coma, but I honestly feel like this is how it would be for them…

And I think that Neglect is why I am pulling away from David now. At least, my perception of feeling neglected, not so much that he really is. I did hear from him today, but the conversation never finished. He just stopped replying to me, several hours ago… And it makes me feel unwanted and left alone. Every girl wants to feel wanted, valued, appreciated… It does nothing to make me want to make it work. It doesn’t make me want to open up and make myself vulnerable to him…

It makes me want to pull back further.

Or go away completely.

But I guess all I can say is to be wary of your partners. Neglect is like a poison.. It’s an acid that can corrode away your relationship.. Be aware, and have empathy. Show them you love them. Communicate. And treat them how you would want to be treated…

Heaven grant I listen to my own advice one day…

Xoxo Aly.

Lost and Confused

I’ve spent a lot of time the last two days asking myself a lot of deep questions.. I’m trying to connect my thoughts and my emotions. I think I’ve just gotten used to ignoring what I’m feeling because for the longest time, K was all that was on my mind and in my heart and it just became too painful.

I physically felt like I had a huge hole through my gut and a thousand knives stabbing my heart… And I felt like that for months and months before it started to go away. Even now, when I feel that sadness and regret from that situation with K, I reject the pain, push it down and away so that hole doesn’t come back and swallow me up.

But then again, I torture myself by checking K’s Facebook page. I do a few times a week.. Call me crazy, call me a stalker.. I can’t help it. Maybe I do it because I need to know if anything changes, like if he gets engaged or even becomes single again. Either way. I need to know before someone else has to tell me. Or maybe I do it because I’m hoping constantly seeing him happy and still with his girlfriend will eventually make me get it through my thick skull that it is over and there is no hope of it ever changing.

Anyway…. I closed myself off. I got used to being alone and not being intimately open with anyone.

And then I met David. And I thought I felt something. First time I saw him, I had this weird feeling all over. Nerves and happy and pleasantly surprised (because it was a blind date). And he was refreshingly nice and polite and complimentary and cute. I was physically attracted to him, but also taking to him during our first date we just had so much in common personality wise… I was excited at the potential that was there…

And then he got sick and I didn’t see him for like 10 days. After a week of talking, that kind of put a damper on things.. And I have been worried and reserved because I didn’t want to fall too hard too fast. And then he decided to move back to Tahoe…. And because I knew he was leaving I kept myself from getting too attached..

So I’ve been questioning if its even worth it now. I’ve kept him at arms length and now maybe I have pushed him away too far for me to now invest my time and emotions in him, regardless of how I first felt… Maybe I sabotaged this.

And there is always K in the back of my mind. Why can’t I get rid of it? Is it for a reason? Is it an excuse not to get into anything with a new guy? I have never felt anything close to how deeply and thoroughly in love I was with K, before or since. It was real love.. And maybe I’m wrong for comparing everything to that one relationship.. But how I felt when I was with him is how I want to feel when I find my Mr Right.

But then again, if I don’t open up how can I ever feel that close to someone? You have to open up and communicate and let people in if I’m going to feel intimate and fall in love again.

Easier said than done…

I don’t know if its possible to be close to David now that he’s moved.. Should I just cut my losses and let it go? Or should I just try to open up and see where it goes?

I haven’t even heard from him in 2 days. Nothing since he moved. Even before he would at least text me good morning it good night, or an “I’m thinking about you”… And I am not going to text him first. He is the one who moved, and he should be the one to make more of an effort to reach out to me.. Agree or disagree you guys??

But at the end of the day, I’m just confused.. I’m trying to figure out what I want.. I mean, I know I want love, and if I could be guaranteed I was with the right one, I would want to settle down and have kids right away.. But more specifically, I don’t know what to do about David and my residual, lingering, persisting feelings about K.

End ramble..

Xoxo guys!

Holding On or Letting Go


So I’ve mentioned that David is moving in a few short weeks, 2 hours away.. I haven’t seen him, so I haven’t gotten to talk to him about it.. I feel like it should be in person…

But on my own over the past few days I’ve really been thinking about what to do.. We have only been talking for a month. It’s still new. We aren’t boyfriend-girlfriend yet… And now he’s moving… Not super far but it would still be “long distance”. At this point in our “relationship” is it worth it to hold on or is it better to just let it go?

Giving it a try to make it work would be a lot more effort than just simply cutting ties. At this point, I’m not really emotionally invested. Guess my “wall” I always have up is good for something right now.. But I don’t lose if I just walk away now. I don’t risk the pain and heartache that could potentially come from a long distance relationship.

But on the other side, when does anything worth having come without some risks and hard work? I just don’t know if there is enough foundation between David and I to even start a relationship since its going to be long distance. I don’t even know if we know each other enough to be in an official relationship, even without the moving complication!

I like him, I do! But I just don’t know if its worth it at this point… If he were staying here, I would definitely keep talking to him, and I’m sure we would get to the point of being boyfriend-girlfriend. And I know I mentioned in one of my last few blogs that he mentioned me going with him, but again, I haven’t seen him to talk to about it all… That’s just another complication!!

I’m sure I’m over thinking it all, but it’s kind if been stressing me out… I don’t know when I will see him next, but I need to see David and somehow bring up this heavy conversation…

Wish me luck?? Lol

Xoxo Aly

Too Soon

How soon is too soon to talk about moving in together? I’ve maybe known David for a month, and he has decided he is moving back to Tahoe- a town in the mountains about 2 hours away from where we live now. I’m not sure exactly when he is moving- it may be the end of this month or sometime next month…

But he asked me to come with him.. I’m not sure if he was joking or being really serious. Or if he meant a visit/trip there or to move with him.. We didn’t get the chance to discuss it further because he had to head to work.. And it’s been on my mind the last 2 days!

It is really really soon! We are still getting to know each other… But then again, how many times have I wished I could pick up and start over somewhere?! I’m still young, only 25, so I guess now is the time to be spontaneous and have adventures if I’m ever going to…

I don’t know if I should over analyze and question everything about it or if I should just be spontaneous and go with it! Assuming he was serious and does want me to move with him. For now, this is all hypothetical!

Pros- it would be a fun adventure, I would get to be with him (close) and see where things go, its only 2 hours from home, it gets me out of my town filled with memories of J and K…

Cons- it’s very soon, it could not work out between us, it snows there! (Burrr!!!), I wouldn’t know anyone, I’m away from my family, I would have to find a new job…

I don’t know what to do if he was serious.. I obviously plan on talking more about it with him.. Get some clarity.. See what he is wanting and where this thing between us is going.. We aren’t even officially dating!

A mutual friend suggested waiting until like January and then maybe moving up there.. That would give us more time to get to know one another and show one way or another if he makes and effort to keep in contact with me.. Distance could make or break us since we are such a new “couple”.

I guess I’ll just have to wait until we get to talk more about it…

Until next time-
Xoxo Aly.