Valentine’s Day Breakup

The day of love and lovers. The day that’s set aside to show your partner how much you care and appreciate them. I wonder how many people can actually say they break up on Valentine’s Day though??

Well apparently I am not a part of that club. Welcome back to singledom! Hey, but at least this relationship lasted 4 months (compared to the last “relationship”- if you can even call it that- that last 3 days officially and 1 month between all the disappearing and whatnot). 4 months is progress! 

So you all wana hear what happened?! I wish I could tell you some juicy story but in reality, I have no clue what happened with him.. Everything was going good, and then about 3 weeks ago he started acting off- making little comments and acting weird in ways that seemed like he did NOT want a relationship.. Little things that kept adding up, so the point where I had a feeling this would not last in the long run. 

Last week something came up and I went over to his house to discuss. I was irritated and he could tell, and when I was asking him questions, he just stared at me… Wouldn’t break eye contact but wouldn’t really respond back. So things left unsettled for the most part.. I didn’t see him again until Friday night, when I went to spend the night. Things were ok. We watched a movie and I fell asleep in the middle of it. 

Saturday we had plans to go to a wine tasting event with a group of friends, and I thought we were having a good time. One little thing happened there- I went to go get us a snack and came back to find he drank the rest of my wine! Who wouldn’t be a little irritated, right?! But I got over it and tried to keep having a good time. Another side note, our friend S asked me about sushi on Sunday night. Apparently my boyfriend made plans with them to go to sushi Sunday night and he never mentioned it to me. She invited me, but my own boyfriend never said anything to me about it… After we left the wine tasting event, we all went to get some food and then went back to our friends house. By the time we got there is was around 5 pm (still early for a Saturday night!). My friend poured me a glass of wine and we were hanged by out.. And immediately he wanted to leave.. Eventually our friends talked him into staying and he went to lay down in their room for a while, but eventually he came out to socialize and we were playing drinking games and joking around.. And I thought we were fine until we left around 9 pm… On the ride back to his house, he was quiet. When we got inside, I started hating ready for bed and when I come out of the bathroom, he is walking out of the bedroom to the living room with a pillow and blanket. So I asked him, “where are you going?” In a confused tone. He said “I can’t sleep.” So I figured he was just going to watch tv or get on his computer, but 5 minutes later I go into the living room and he is in the dark, laying on the couch (obviously going to sleep on the couch). So I ask him again “you ok?” And he says “I can’t sleep in there,” so I asked “do you want me to go?” He didn’t respond. So I say, “hello??” And he said “what?” And so I asked again, “do you want me to leave?” Annunciating each word. And he didn’t respond again! So I’m pissed at this point, so I go pack up my stuff (loudly- he could obviously hear what I was doing), and I bring my bags to the living room. I walked over to him, kissed his forehead and tell him to go sleep in his bed. And I left! I’m not going to stay and sleep in a separate room. If he feels like he can’t sleep in the same room with me, that’s fine but I’ll go to my OWN house and sleep in MY bed…

So that was Saturday night. Now obviously Sunday was Valentine’s Day. He had to work 7 am to 3 pm. And I figured he would be mad I left, but he would still be the boyfriend I thought I knew, and at least text me “happy Valentine’s Day”. By 10 am, nothing. Noon, nothing. Finally at 3 pm I get a text: “off work. Gunna nap.” That’s it. So I responded back “took a nap too. Hope you had a good day at work.” And then nothing else. My friend S texted me a it sushi, and I told her I didn’t think I was going to go. And while I was texting her, my boyfriend texts her that he isn’t going to make it. Not me. Her! 30 mins later he finally says “S asked about sushi. Told her I’m not going to go.” So I responded, “oh.. Is something up?” 

And that’s literally the last thing I have heard from him. Nothing else on Valentine’s Day. Just those 2, short, curt and very rude texts. And it’s been 2 days since then, and I haven’t heard a work from him. Nothing.

So I’m assuming that means you don’t want to be with me anymore but your too much of a coward to say it outright? We are adults. You need to act like it. I’ll be fine, I’m a big girl, and honestly I’ve been through worse. But it’s just confusing because things had been good and nothing big really happened! I have no answers.. But honestly, I don’t like this behavior and how he acted this weekend really hurt me. I don’t think things could be fixed or go back to how they were at the beginning anyway… I’ll be fine. 

My question now is do I just cut ties and assume it’s over? Do I wait to see if he reaches out? Do I reach out and end it first? Ugh idk.. 

Talk soon-

Xoxo Aly.

Lonely

Being lonely is awful. As human beings, we were created to have companions. All of us crave companionship. And when we go through times of being “alone” it can really get to us.

For the most part, I’ve enjoyed my time being single these last few years. Yes, I do want a relationship (when the right one for me comes along). Yes, I do want to settle down and have a family (very badly, but I would rather keep waiting than settle). But every once in a while, the loneliness creeps in and gets to me.

It sucks. And, for me at least, it’s times like these that make it hard to stay strong. I crave attention and companionship. We all do! And day after day, having no one special to text with, or hug, or kiss, or love… It sucks! And I find myself thinking of past interests.. 

“Oh he was really into me- maybe I didn’t give him a honest chance before..” Or “oh, he was really fun to hang out with- I bet he would be interested if I texted him…” 

Is it just me who does this? It’s hard for me to tell if I’m really genuinely wanting to give a guy another shot at dating, or if it’s just loneliness pushing me to think back to the last time someone showed me any attention…

Like Mat. I’ve really been praying and trying to figure out if I really want to give things another shot with him or if I’m just feeling lonely. He was a great, genuinely good guy. On paper, he met a lot of my major wants in a partner. But before I never felt physical/sexual attraction to him. I know I wasn’t fully open towards him last year when we casually dated, and part of me was still very shattered over K’s engagement… Would things be different if we tried dating again? Assuming he would even want to, that is. I’m sure he would be guarded since I kind of just broke things off out of the blue, to him at least.

Being lonely is awful. It makes me feel so down, about myself and life in general. I wish I had someone here with me to be affectionate with. To cuddle, and talk to, and kiss…

It will be soooo nice once I finally get those things.. One day.. Lol

Xoxo Aly

Coinsidenses

So I ran into Mat, the guy I dated for a few months at the end of last year.. We have mutual friends, so we ran into each other at a Halloween party over the weekend..

When we first were set up by a mutual friend, it was weird how it came about. I was literally in the middle of hard core crying over K and praying about God bringing a good man into my life. And right away, my friend texted me about going on a double date. Coincidence..? 

I gave it a shot, and he met a lot of my checklist for qualities I would want in a life partner, but over the two months or so we casually dated, I wasn’t sure if I felt any physical attraction to him. And meanwhile, I could tell he was starting to get very invested… So I cut him off and ended things because I didn’t want to lead him on if I wasn’t feeling the same.

And then earlier this year we ran into each other at our mutual friends house, and he invited me to hangout. This was the time I got super drunk off wine and ended up telling him about K and how I wasn’t over him and always had hoped one day we would get back together, and that I had been going through a hard time after learning of his engagement (I used this as the excuse for why I broke things off last year). Side note- of the several people I’ve casually dates, he is the only one I’ve told about K. I was drunk and crying and emotional, at the time, but maybe it’s another sign that he would be the only person I kind of opened up to…?

Now it just so happens that I’m pretty sure he is the one from whom I found out K had gotten married. I don’t even know for sure if he knows my ex, but this last time I saw him (when we both got wine drunk and I opened up to him a little about “my ex”), he mentioned a person with K’s name who had gotten married on May 30th. The day after this conversation, I found out my K had gotten married on that day, and K had a very unique name. So it’s just another weird sign that he would be the one to inadvertently tell me about K getting married…

I don’t want to read too much into it, or pursue him until I’m sure. I don’t want to hurt him or anything again. Maybe since I am finally ready and wanting to move on from K, my mind is again looking back to the last time I had something “good” which was Mat. Maybe I didn’t give him a really chance before and that’s why I didn’t feel attraction to him (even though he had a lot of qualities I would want in a man)? I don’t know… 

But since I saw him saturday, all day yesterday I had it on my mind and heart. During church, it just stayed on my mind. So I texted him last night. My first text I apologized if I was the reason he left the party early or if it was awkward, and he responded that it was just because his sober driving was leaving at that time. And I responded that it looked like everyone had fun. He didn’t respond to that, and half an hour or so later I sent a long text just apologizing for the times I just disappeared and that I had been going through some stuff then, and he never responded to that. I’m sure he saw it. I was just trying to clear the air and own up to anything I had done wrong back then. Not necessarily saying it in a way that I wanted to date again (I don’t even know if I would want that). But maybe he took it that way and he isn’t responding because he is now guarded because I already kind of hurt him once…?

I’m praying about it, but I feel confused… :/

Xoxo Aly.

I’ve been missing you…

It’s been quite a while since I’ve sat down to blog, and I completely missed it (and all of you!!).. Life’s been up and down.. I’ve been busy with work, and stress, and life. I don’t think I realized how helpful blogging has been for me, it’s been my therapy and outlet to analyze myself. It gives me the chance to get out things that have happened, look at them, and analyze how I feel about them…

I’ve missed, and needed it…

The last few weeks I would say I’ve been in another period of depression.. Everything combined has piled up and overwhelmed me.. Work is stressful, finding a new job hasn’t been going well, I’ve somehow gained a ton of weight and cannot seem to get it off no matter how much I change my eating habits or workout.. I don’t feel comfortable in my body right now, at ALL. And that makes it very hard to have a positive attitude sometimes.. I feel uncomfortable, and fat, and unattractive… I know that isn’t the case, but it’s just how I feel at the moment…

I also joined a dating site last month.. Hoping maybe some attention would help boost my self-esteem. I just feel lonely, and I do feel ready to find someone… The process, however, has been slower and tougher than I thought… I find myself anxious at the thought of meeting up with someone when I’m this weight. I don’t want to be judged as I am now, because it’s about 10 pounds over the most I’ve ever weighed before this… And I feel like I’m not giving these guys a chance, really, because I find myself looking for my ex, K, or someone to be him.. And that’s not fair to them.. They can’t fill his shoes. They can’t be him. But I feel like subconsciously I’ve been trying to find someone to replace him, or be him, or whatever…

It still hurts to think about him, which I still do often… I don’t try to, but I do. It makes me nauseous to think about him proposing, or being engaged, or thinking about him marrying her, them having kids… Them having the life I could have had with him instead… It literally makes me sick. Whenever he pops into my head, I have to tell myself, “No! Don’t go there.. Don’t think about it.. You can’t go there!” I guess I just still have so much regret there, and I don’t know how to get rid of it… I wish I could have changed things sooner, but I didn’t…

Maybe it sounds childish, or whatever, but I just really wish I could find somebody else to love instead.. Focus on the new love and the positives instead of the past and things that can never be… Not that I only want to find someone just to be distracted, because that’s not the case! I just think it would help me to move on… I want to love and be loved. I want that so badly…. It’s been more than 5 years since K and I broke up. 5 freaking years! And I am still this torn up about him and it!?!?

I don’t understand it.. I’ve analyzed myself and what happened, and I know things can never go back or change. It’s too late. I accept that. My brain gets these things, but my heart won’t let go.

Maybe I need to go on antidepressants… I don’t know.. I feel like a crazy person sometimes because it has been so long and I still feel so strongly about it…

Anywho- my computer is about to die.. I promise, it won’t be so long before I write again..

xoxo and positive vibes, Aly

Looking Forward to a New Year

Maybe it’s just part of getting older, but I can’t believe another year is just about over! 2014 was quite a roller coaster for me, some great good times and some bad lows. I don’t know if I would say it was a good year, or a bad year, but I definitely know that I am not the same woman leaving this year behind as I was coming into it.

I’m ready for some change. I’m ready to let go of some things and move forward. I feel it in my soul; I just have this deep sense of needing (and wanting) to let go of the past. Of K, mostly, but not just him. Other hurts I’ve felt for a long time. It’s too draining… I just feel drained and exhausted all the time.

As much as I wish things could be different, they aren’t. And I think it’s past time for me to gracefully let go. He’s engaged. If it had been meant to be, it would be me he’s engaged to, but I’m not and it’s not. He’ll always have a special place in my heart, that no one can replace, and I think he’ll always be a bit of a tender subject to me.

I don’t know if I’m ready to date anyone right now. I think I just need to enjoy my time alone, for now… And I know soon, when I’m ready, God will show a special guy into my life. Maybe it’ll be in this new year, or maybe the next.. Whenever it is, I’m patiently looking forward to it.

I’m excited to see what this New Year holds for me. Hopefully it’ll be better than this last year has been. One of my goals is to go to at least one place I’ve never been to before. Maybe something fun like Las Vegas, or maybe Yellowstone National Park… We’ll see!

Also, I just want to thank all of you for reading my blog and supporting me! It’s very nice to know people care about me and my life, and I greatly appreciate all of your comments and advice.. Here’s to another great year of blogging!!

Love you guys! Happy New Year!

xoxo Aly

A Case of the Holiday Blues

Christmas is just a few days away, and I’m excited to spend some extra time with my family (assuming I get the day off work, which is still up in the air). But I can’t help but feel a little down lately…

As much as I said I didn’t have my hopes up about texting K on his birthday the other day, I think it still bummed me out that we didn’t talk really. All it was, was me saying ‘happy birthday K’, he didn’t reply until the next morning when he said “thank you :)’ and so I just said ‘:)’. I didn’t expect anything, I was even surprised that he responded at all, but i guess I really did hope that we would talk more.. I guess I could have said more once he did reply, but I don’t want to be pushy…

I know it probably sounds weird, but I just feel like he is the only one who understands what I’m feeling… He’s been there. He’s felt what I’m feeling now. I know he was heartbroken for a long time after we broke up. I know he waited for along time, and hoped for a long time… And then once he was able to let go and move on, then I was the one feeling those things…. I just wish I could talk to him and maybe get some closure… Like what I was trying to get back in May when we last talked, when I was basically asking him to be harsh and tell me there was no chance ever for us again (which he didn’t do- trying to be nice or spare my feelings or whatever).

Well, a month and a half after that he proposed, so I don’t see what the big deal was and why he couldn’t have just flat out told me NO. And I know that’s my answer, but I still just feel like talking to him might help me let go. I wish I could ask him how long it took him before he was able to let me go and move on from me. Maybe that would give me some clue as to when I will finally be over him. Maybe it took him 2 and a half years, so maybe in another 3 months (when I reach 2 and a half years of missing him) I’ll be able to not care anymore.

I know I’ve said this before, but I really feel stupid for not being able to move on. I cried earlier, after hearing a country song (“What We Ain’t Got” by Jake Owen). It’s literally exactly what I’m feeling. He’s engaged and I still keep hoping deep down that there may still be a chance. I’m delusional…

I keep telling myself it wasn’t meant to be, God has someone better planned for me, maybe it wasn’t as good or a true as my mind is making it out to be… I tell myself all these things and more to help myself move on and let go. But it isn’t helping. It doesn’t change how I’m feeling, even though I know it should, especially since he’s engaged now. He wants her. Maybe if I say it enough, I will get it..?

I was thinking about it the other day, and I think numb is the exactly right word for how I feel. All the time. Numb. Closed off. I don’t let people in, not right now, I can’t. I’ve been hurting so long, so somehow I just shut down. I don’t expect anything from any of the new guys I meet. I didn’t expect K to talk to when when I texted him the other day (and he didn’t). I don’t really feel excited about anything. I think the only time I feel anything else is when I’m with my baby nephew or my two nieces. And even then, it’s only temporary….

I want love. I want anything to take away from the sadness, regret, loneliness, and heartache that I constantly feel. I guess you could even say I want to be distracted from all the things I still feel for and about K. But I also just want to feel love again just to experience that high you get, who wouldn’t? I want someone who i can turn to, open up to, to comfort me when I need it. To be my equal and walk side by side with me in my life… I want babies. My biological clock has been ticking for over a year now, and I feel the ache of not having babies. I see my older sister and my cousins all with their babies, and I long for the time when it’s my turn…

Gosh, how much longer do I have to suffer?! Why do I still care? Why do I still cry over him, still want him, still hope there is a way it will work out???

Maybe with the new year coming I’ll be able to find a way to get a new beginning….

xoxo Aly

Solitary

Here I am again, back to it just being me, in my self inflicted solitary life. Well, dating life, anyway.

I basically broke things off with Mat today. Didn’t go as I planned.. I’m horrible at handling these kind of situations, given that I hate conflict so much that my normal impulse is to just cold turkey avoid at all costs. Obviously I know this isn’t the best way (or good way, in any shape or form) so I tried to not be like that… I absolutely hate conflict- I avoid fights and serious talks like the plague! But my text message didn’t get perceived exactly as I planned- I meant to butter him up a little then break it to him, but he took my message as the final end I think. Which I guess is good, because its over and I don’t have to stress anymore about how to gently let him down… But I also just kind of feel bad because he is a nice, sweet guy and I did have fun with him… I just didn’t feel the same attraction to him and he did to me…

I also texted David today… Just to say hi. I felt more for him that I did for Mat, but I know it’s not going to lead anywhere. Even with the physical attraction we had, I also just know he isn’t the right guy for me…

Gosh, I hate dating.. It’s not fun. At all. I know what I want, I know what I’m looking for, and i’ll know it when I meet him, one day.

I wish I didn’t keep wishing for K though. Well, I don’t even know if I would call it ‘wishing’ anymore. It’s more like a dull ache in my heart.. I know it’s over. I know he wants Liz, otherwise he wouldn’t have proposed to her. I know there is basically zero chance of me and him. But it still hurts. I’m getting better. I’m learning, coping. Slowly letting go.

I just feel kind of discouraged. I’ve gone on dates with almost twice as many people in the last year and a half, as as many boyfriends I’ve had in my life! And no one has even come close to making me feel like I did when I was with K. Like in the beginning of a relationship. I know love and all that comes with time, but the initial connection. The instant attraction, like gravity pulling us together. The deep spark of something you can’t quite put your finger on, but you’ve never felt anything like it before…

I don’t think I’m ready for love, until I stop hurting over K. I want to be over him, but clearly I’m not. Not all the way. I want someone to love, but right now I think I want it mostly just so I can be distracted from K’s engagement. I do want love, just to feel it again, but just the fact that part of me just wants to be distracted tells me it’s not 100% for the right reasons… Meaning I’m not ready.

It’s hard, sometimes, to fight the feeling that I’ll be alone forever. So dramatic, I know, and completely untrue. But sometimes I find myself fighting the feeling of wanting to be alone forever. No drama, no fights, no getting hurt, no false hopes. Just me, doing my thing. I’ll get a sperm donor when I want kids! Gosh, right now the idea is so tempting….

I am overly dramatic, I know. Just one of the cold, hard truths about me. Just like how I over analyze everything! At least I can recognize (and embrace?) them!

Well, it’s a stormy, cold night here in CA.. Off to shower and relax for the rest of my night……

Xoxo Aly

Hope

Hope is bittersweet for me. Isn’t it supposed to be a positive thing? Cue all the lovely, optimistic quotes about hope. “Life is nothing without hope” ect ect ect.

But it’s not for me. Not right now in my life. I wish I didn’t have hope. I wish I weren’t ‘hoping’ for things or holding into ‘hope’. I don’t want hope or feeling hopeful.

I wish my heart would give up hope on K. Or give up hoping he won’t marry Liz. Or hoping it has all just been a dream.

I wish I didn’t get hope each time a new guy comes into my life, hoping he will be the one I can love and make me move on from K. When in reality, they all just end up being temporary distractions. Momentary, fleeting distractions.

I hate how much having hope has left me hurting, and sad, and closed off. My walls are so thick and high, I wonder how they will ever come down enough to let someone in and love me.

I’m tired of hoping.

I want actions. I want answers. I want results.

I’m tired of getting my hopes up and being let down. I’m tired of hoping each new time will be different, even after I start to open myself up to it, and then having it end unfavorably.

*sigh*

Body Language

Last night, I saw Mat again. And with all my thinking lately about how I’m not sure how I feel towards him, I couldn’t help but be hyper aware of my body language towards him. I definitely think it is unconscious, but then I began to pay attention to how I am around him… And I was noticing it all night!

When we sit on the couch next to each other, I sit with my feet up to the side of me, in-between us. Comfy way for me to sit, but why don’t I sit the other way, leaning towards him? I prop myself up on the arm furthest from him, basically leaning my body away from him, not towards him… He always initiates hanging out, he is always the one to lean for a kiss first.

A few times we’ve gone into his room to lay down and talk.. The first time, I stayed sitting up at the foot of his bed while he was laying down. Last night, he wanted to cuddle.. Even though my body may have seemed relaxed, on the inside I was tense and stiff.. I noticed that i kept one arm across my stomach, kind of a self defensive thing that I do sometimes. He tried to kiss me more than a peck, and I just felt awkward.. You know that kind of awkward kiss where you both aren’t sure where to move or if you should do it? Well, anyway, we didn’t end up kissing with tongue.. lol

I feel closed off. And I don’t think I feel sparks or chemistry towards him, even though on paper he is the kind of guy I would want… I feel like I should like him more than I actually do

And it sucks because he is definitely more interested in me than I am in him.. And I hate hurting people!

I guess I’m just confused what to do.. I’m not sure if I don’t feel anything towards him because I’m not attracted or if I’m keeping myself closed off. Could I feel more towards him if I try to open up? Or am I just comfortable and used to settling that I can easily just slide back into that habit? Or do I really just not feel anything towards him?

I feel like it’s going to take a lot for me to open up to someone. He’s going to have to be pretty special. I feel like Ive learned and been through enough that I couldn’t “settle” even if I tried.. Maybe that’s where I’m at now.. I feel like I deserve to feel butterflies and sparks, at least in the beginning of a relationship. And I don’t feel that with Mat… And I feel like anything less is settling.

So maybe there’s my answer… I just want to say that I honestly gave it a good shot, tried to stick it out and tried to see if there was anything there.. I don’t like giving up.

Any advice?

xoxo Aly.

Bipolar Heart

Maybe it’s a case of the winter blues, or maybe it’s just another lull in my emotional roller coaster.. But I feel so split. Like there are two personalities of me living inside me…

On one hand, I’m still hurting from finding out about K’s engagement. I hate it. I wish I could change it and that I could have another chance with him… Yes, even now, part of me still wishes for that… But I know he’s engaged, therefore he must be happy.. I wish I could be completely over it, if its not meant to be. I pray to be over it everyday…

And part if me feels like maybe K didn’t love me as much as I thought he did. If what we had was real, how could he be fine? I know he wasn’t, for a long time. But if it was as real to him as it was to me, how could he move on so completely?? I’m just being dramatic, I know…. I know he did, but maybe it really just wasn’t as true as I felt it was… We were young… And we all make mistakes…

I feel so sad and hurt because I have changed and grown so much, and he will never know me as the woman I am now… It just makes me sad that he, specifically, won’t ever know me. I finally figured out who I am and it doesn’t do any good to help my broken heart.

But on the other side of my bipolar heart, I am spending more time with Mat.. I’m getting more comfortable with him, but my walls are still up and my heart locked away inside. I feel like a clam- all closed up, impossible to pry open, at least until I feel safe enough to open up on my own.

There is a friendship and companionship there. But I don’t know if I feel romantic feelings towards him.. Maybe I’m still too broken over everything else. Maybe it’s not meant to be with Mat..

I thought I maybe felt a little flicker of something when we hung out tonight… But I don’t just want a “little spark”. I want an overwhelming feeling. I want to feel that strong physical and sexual attraction. I want an inferno. And I know, maybe the little spark could grow into something more.. It’s still early..

I just feel so jaded about love and dating and guys that I tell God that I literally need to be slapped across the face with overwhelming certainty that a guy is the right one for me. I just need a sign to know because I can’t stand to keep opening myself up to people who end up not being right for me and inevitably getting hurt again in the process…

I pray every day for God to guide me and lead me where ever it is that I need to be.

I have faith. I know in my soul He has a plan for me. And it’ll happen in His perfect timing…

Hmm.. I’m exhausted.. It’s past 1 am here, so I guess I’ll end for tonight… Sweet dreams all!

Xoxo Aly