I had such a vivid dream about Kiegon last night. We were talking and I was saying all the things that are still on my heart and mind about him. For a while it was just me and him, taking. Then my family members were in the ba ground, walking around. My nieces, who I always wished he could have met. And then his now wife… She was in this dream.

Ugh. Will this ever go away? I’m tearing up just from typing that word. She kept approaching me and telling me to get over him and why can’t I let go of him and that kind of thing. 

Obviously, even my subconscious gets it! My head knows it, my dreams understand, but my heart won’t let go.

Why can’t I just forget him, and her, and their happy freaking life together? I thought I was done having dreams about him.. It just makes it so much harder when I dream of him. Brings everything back up and makes it that much harder…

It’s been on my mind all day at work. And no one else in my life understands what I continue to go through. They all don’t get it- why I can’t let go, or what I still struggle with.

There is nothing anyone can tell me that I haven’t already thought of myself. If I can’t be with him, I really just wish I could forget him. Forget we ever happened. That would be easier than struggling every day knowing the love of my life married someone else.

Haunted In My Dreams

I go through periods of having very vivid, realistic, memorable dreams, and then I have times where I can’t remember any dream for months.

And I guess now is one of former.

Twice this week, I’ve had several vivid dreams per night. I always wake up after each one before falling back asleep and into another one… And for some reason, most of my dreams have been negative.. Not like nightmares, but just not good dreams…

One, borderline nightmare, my mom found and read all the posts from a previous blog site I used. I don’t tell my family members, or really anyone, that I blog. To me, it’s my private journal. I don’t particularly fear anyone reading or finding them… But I think this dream was more a flashback to when I was with J. He found my blog and made me let him read it all, as I was hysterically crying for hours. I was literally huddled under the covers crying because I knew he wouldn’t like most of what I wrote/had to say. He was pissed… But it was really more about how much he shattered me and took away everything from me. I wasn’t allowed to have a private thought. He stripped me bare, took away my soul, against my will.

I try not to think about that. I’ve healed, and I’m away from him now. But I still feel myself scarred from that experience…

I also dreamt about J and his newest baby momma/girlfriend.. I remember feeling hurt and angry towards him. And I needed to tell the new girl about how dirty and disgusting he is.. Like how we was texting me sexy dirty things, trying to plan hooking up with me, literally during the time she was getting pregnant and finding out she was pregnant. Did she know that? It doesn’t matter now.. And I don’t really care about him or her, but I think this dream is because I felt so used, misled, and dumb for almost falling for his sly, dirty tricks… God.. That was the guy I was with for 3 1/2 years… If he could do that to her, what could he have done behind my back? Without me knowing??

I hate feeling dumb or being made to look stupid. I hate feeling vulnerable. And he stomped all over me. I’m just glad we never did anything more than just talk/text over the phone….

Lastly, big surprise here, I dreamt about K. His girlfriend, or I guess I should say fiancĂ© now, was gone at work or something.. And we happened to run into each other somewhere and ended up just hanging out. It was at his house, we were laying on his bed, but it wasn’t sexual in any sense. He was sitting up against the wall on his bed and I was laying opposite. My feet by his head, my head near his feet. And we were just taking. Laughing. Enjoying being together.. But I knew I had to go before his girlfriend got back, so she wouldn’t be mad…

I woke up after this one, feeling sad.. I’m still hurting over him. I’m still hurting that he proposed. I’m still upset about the last time I texted him in May or whatever, begging him to be honest and tell me straight out that there was no chance for us ever again, and him beating around the bush and not straight out saying it. When obviously he had been saving up and probably already planning to propose to Liz. It hurts.. And i am finding it hard to move on..

I wish it could just be easier. He has proposed to her! Why am I still wanting him? It’s been 5 years since we broke up. 2 years since I realized my mistakes and that I wanted another chance with him…..

His birthday is coming up I like 3 weeks… The last two years, I’ve texted him just a small happy birthday text.. And last year it led to an all night text conversation…. Every fiber of my being wants to text him again this year… Just to see what, if anything, he would reply. Would we text all night again? Would I get my closure?

But I don’t know if I should. I want to, but maybe I have to force myself not to. Maybe I need to just not do it. Maybe it’ll hurt me too much. But I know he is going to be on my mind all that day, and I know that I am going to think about texting him every second of that day.

I want to, but do I need to? I want to talk to him. I want closure, or something, to help me let go and move on.

I don’t know…

Sorry, this is turning into quite a long post!

I’ve also been seeing and continuing to get to know Mat. He seems like a good guy, but I am not letting myself open up very much. I don’t know if I feel a physical attraction to him, or just a friendship. It’s been like 3 weeks.. A month maybe? And I’m still not sure. And I feel bad that I’m not sure. I can tell he likes me. His attraction and attachment is more than mine to him. My walls are up. I’m still hurting. And maybe that’s why I haven’t felt anything, because I’m not letting myself… But I feel like anything less than feeling fireworks is settling… And I am done settling. Does that make sense, about anything less than fireworks feels like settling?

I feel like I should like him more than I do. He is a good guy. Has a good job. Is a strong Believer. He’s mature but knows how to have fun….

So why don’t I know how i feel about him yet?! :/

I’m trying to give it a chance. Keep it light and not too serious… But I feel like I’m on a path leading to him asking me to be his girlfriend and I don’t know what I should or will say when it happens!

I hate not knowing what to do… It’s awful.

Well, I think that’s about all I’ve got for tonight… Hope you are all enjoying your weekend!

Xoxo Aly

Vivid Dreams at 2 am

It’s 2 am on the dot, and I just woke up from one of the most vivid dreams I’ve ever had… I’m wide awake right now, even though I have to be up in less than 4 hours..

It was about J, my last boyfriend, who I was in an unhealthy relationship with. The one who just has a baby with his new manager girlfriend he started almost immediately hooking up with when I dumped him..

I’m still in shock.. Was all that really in my subconscious??

It was soooo detailed. I woke up still feeling angry and hurt. I was screaming at him, slapping him, calling him names.. Mind you, I’ve NEVER hit someone in real life! I was screaming at the girl too. I told her about how he was trying to hook up with me right around when she found out she was pregnant. I cried and apologized to his parents, told them I was thankful to have met them. After talking to the girl and his parent, I go after him and catch him in bed with another girl, a friend of his new gf (an imaginary person my subconscious made up)… I was slapping him across the face. I called him a dick, a piece of shit, an asshole, and I told him how bad it hurt me to find out he got someone pregnant at the same time he was trying to get back and hook up with me… How there was no way I would ever forgive him…

God, it was so real… Was all that really in my subconscious??? I thought I was over J. But there was a lot of anger and resentment in my dream towards him and the girlfriend. Mostly towards him… I mean, I knew it hurt me, the circumstances of it all, but not how deep they went, or just how hurt I was…

Well it’s late, or early depending on how you look at it… I’m guna try and get some sleep before work…

Xoxo Aly.