Coinsidenses

So I ran into Mat, the guy I dated for a few months at the end of last year.. We have mutual friends, so we ran into each other at a Halloween party over the weekend..

When we first were set up by a mutual friend, it was weird how it came about. I was literally in the middle of hard core crying over K and praying about God bringing a good man into my life. And right away, my friend texted me about going on a double date. Coincidence..? 

I gave it a shot, and he met a lot of my checklist for qualities I would want in a life partner, but over the two months or so we casually dated, I wasn’t sure if I felt any physical attraction to him. And meanwhile, I could tell he was starting to get very invested… So I cut him off and ended things because I didn’t want to lead him on if I wasn’t feeling the same.

And then earlier this year we ran into each other at our mutual friends house, and he invited me to hangout. This was the time I got super drunk off wine and ended up telling him about K and how I wasn’t over him and always had hoped one day we would get back together, and that I had been going through a hard time after learning of his engagement (I used this as the excuse for why I broke things off last year). Side note- of the several people I’ve casually dates, he is the only one I’ve told about K. I was drunk and crying and emotional, at the time, but maybe it’s another sign that he would be the only person I kind of opened up to…?

Now it just so happens that I’m pretty sure he is the one from whom I found out K had gotten married. I don’t even know for sure if he knows my ex, but this last time I saw him (when we both got wine drunk and I opened up to him a little about “my ex”), he mentioned a person with K’s name who had gotten married on May 30th. The day after this conversation, I found out my K had gotten married on that day, and K had a very unique name. So it’s just another weird sign that he would be the one to inadvertently tell me about K getting married…

I don’t want to read too much into it, or pursue him until I’m sure. I don’t want to hurt him or anything again. Maybe since I am finally ready and wanting to move on from K, my mind is again looking back to the last time I had something “good” which was Mat. Maybe I didn’t give him a really chance before and that’s why I didn’t feel attraction to him (even though he had a lot of qualities I would want in a man)? I don’t know… 

But since I saw him saturday, all day yesterday I had it on my mind and heart. During church, it just stayed on my mind. So I texted him last night. My first text I apologized if I was the reason he left the party early or if it was awkward, and he responded that it was just because his sober driving was leaving at that time. And I responded that it looked like everyone had fun. He didn’t respond to that, and half an hour or so later I sent a long text just apologizing for the times I just disappeared and that I had been going through some stuff then, and he never responded to that. I’m sure he saw it. I was just trying to clear the air and own up to anything I had done wrong back then. Not necessarily saying it in a way that I wanted to date again (I don’t even know if I would want that). But maybe he took it that way and he isn’t responding because he is now guarded because I already kind of hurt him once…?

I’m praying about it, but I feel confused… :/

Xoxo Aly.

To Do or Not To Do….

K’s birthday is in 2 days… The last 2-3 years I’ve texted him a simple ‘Happy birthday K’ and we ended up talking for hours each time… Last year I wasn’t sure if I should, I debated it all day long before finally texting him at like 3 in the afternoon, but I ended up being happy I did because we talked until 5 am.

I don’t know if I should this year though. Well, actually, I know I probably shouldn’t. He’s engaged. Maybe I should just leave him alone and let him be happy. But I want to text him. With no expectations, of course. I didn’t have any expectations last year, and that turned out ok for me…. Just a simple, ‘happy birthday’. What could it hurt??

I feel so lame, that I look forward to his birthday each year just because it’s the one day I have a valid reason to text him.

Part of me is curious if he would reply back this year. I wonder if he will ask how I’m doing with everything, like he did last year. I wonder if he still would care enough to see how I’m doing, trying to move on and heal from him, like he did last year.

But is there anything good that can come from it? Maybe some closure on my part… I don’t know what to do… I’ve been going back and forth on what I’ll do for a couple days now. And I’m sure I’ll change my find several times the next few days as well…

xoxo Aly

Sneak Peak anyone?

hmm.. So I’ve only written a few short scenes so far… Anyone interested in reading a bit?? This “scene” is not based on my personal life, like some parts will be, and i imagine this will happen later on in the story line…

Well… I guess here goes nothing? Keep in mind this is all still VERY rough. I’ve reread and rewritten parts it several times already…

From the moment I saw him I was drawn to him. My heart races, some unknown drug coursing through my veins, like an electric current, alien to my body. Like a moth to flame, the dark, emptiness of my heart gravitated to all that he was, all that he could offer. A different world, just what my soul needed; an escape from the crushing reality that was my life. How I could possibly know all this about him from across the room, I don’t understand. Only that his piercing blue/green eyes call to the deepest, most carnal part of my soul, a part that I didn’t believe still existed until moments ago.
Lost in a world of my own, a sudden shove from behind shatters my reverie, “Find a different place to stand, Bitch.” My eyes tear away as I stumble out of the way, murmuring a quiet form of apology. I feel a deep blush rise over my cheeks as I glimpse the vixen behind the voice. The woman is tall, blonde and gorgeous in a way that I could never be. From her perfectly curled and pinned up hair, to her six inch black stilettos, every inch of her projected a confidence and sexuality I could only dream of. The black and red corset hugs her body in the most delicious way, accentuating her small waist and ample curves. Her skin tight black pants appeared to be painted on, showing off her long legs, ending right about heels that I would rather go barefoot than chance taking two steps.
I let out a long breath as the woman walks away, without another glance for me, in the dim light of the club towards the bar. Standing near the entrance of the room, what else could I expect? Unwillingly, my eyes draw back to the man in the black suit. I expect to find his attention back on the group of people at his booth, but instead he seemed to have been watching the entire time. He is leaning forward now, elbow resting on his left leg; his forefinger gently moves back and forth across his lower lip, thumb resting on his chin. His gaze lingers for a moment more before returning to the small group of people surrounding him.

So that’s it for now… Any thoughts? I’m curious and excited to get some feed back!

xoxo Aly.

Writing a Novel

So… I’ve been thinking lately… About writing a novel… It would obviously be a HUGE undertaking.. But I really almost feel a pull to do it…

I’m still brainstorming ideas.. Maybe something loosely reflective of my own past and heartbreaks… Maybe something similar to the story of K and me. I feel like putting myself in an objective, outsider’s stand point while also getting out everything that I have personally been feeling and experiencing.. Maybe it would help me heal. To (kind of) tell my story in a fiction form novel..

Idk.. maybe it sounds kind of crazy… Or stupid…

I have a few ideas of how i would write it.. Make it different and stand out…

Hmm…

Just something to think about…

-A.

If you could live anywhere…

Where would you choose to live?

I always think about where I would move to, if I could.. Realistic places or not..

Realistically, I would love to move to Southern California- closer to disneyland!! I am definitely a disneyland freak!

In my dreams, I could see myself in Hawaii, or maybe Italy or France.. Hawaii would be more likely than moving overseas but hey, a girl can dream right?!

So where would you move to, if you could? Close or far. Realistic or not..

🙂

Xoxo Aly