Barcelona

Here I am, on the other side of the planet from you, and yet at the end of this long, fun-filled, amazing day, my mind still turns to you. 

At least it is not all the time anymore. It’s hasn’t been that for months, thank God. It’s not when I’m keeping busy, out doing things and trying to live my life to the fullest. But it’s in the quiet moments. It’s when I settle down for bed. It’s when I pause. When I am away from the things to distract me. When I stopping moving and leave my brain to its own devices. 

Maybe it’s the wine, maybe I’m just numb now from the amazing distraction of this beautiful country… But I don’t feel the urge to cry. But at the same time, my heart aches for for what was. I miss you, even though I haven’t seen you in years. I can’t help but imagine what it would be like to be experiemcing all of this with you…

Xoxo Aly

Her.

I hate her. Yes, hate. A woman I’ve never met and probably never will. 

I hate that she is yours, and you are hers. I hate that I was too late and you had already moved on. I hate that I was too late, more than I actually hate her.

I feel like a moth, drawn to the flame that is you. And I hate it; I don’t want to be consumed by thoughts of you anymore. But like that moth, I can’t help it. It hurts. Thoughts of you. Thoughts of her. Thoughts of your marriage. That is my flame, my fire. Blinding me, consuming me. I can’t get away from it. 

I can’t think of you without thinking of her. Your wife, now. It makes me sick. I hate it. 

Maybe it’s just jealousy. She gets you, for the rest of your lives. Maybe it’s just that you found love again, after me, while I feel as if I am not capable of loving again. My mind can’t even fathom in my wildest dreams that I will find someone as good as you, let alone someone better. 

I honestly don’t feel like I can love anymore, no matter how much I desperately want to. It’s not logical, I know, but it’s how I honestly feel.

She better not take you for granted, ever. She better know how lucky she is. 

Xo A

Valentine’s Day Breakup

The day of love and lovers. The day that’s set aside to show your partner how much you care and appreciate them. I wonder how many people can actually say they break up on Valentine’s Day though??

Well apparently I am not a part of that club. Welcome back to singledom! Hey, but at least this relationship lasted 4 months (compared to the last “relationship”- if you can even call it that- that last 3 days officially and 1 month between all the disappearing and whatnot). 4 months is progress! 

So you all wana hear what happened?! I wish I could tell you some juicy story but in reality, I have no clue what happened with him.. Everything was going good, and then about 3 weeks ago he started acting off- making little comments and acting weird in ways that seemed like he did NOT want a relationship.. Little things that kept adding up, so the point where I had a feeling this would not last in the long run. 

Last week something came up and I went over to his house to discuss. I was irritated and he could tell, and when I was asking him questions, he just stared at me… Wouldn’t break eye contact but wouldn’t really respond back. So things left unsettled for the most part.. I didn’t see him again until Friday night, when I went to spend the night. Things were ok. We watched a movie and I fell asleep in the middle of it. 

Saturday we had plans to go to a wine tasting event with a group of friends, and I thought we were having a good time. One little thing happened there- I went to go get us a snack and came back to find he drank the rest of my wine! Who wouldn’t be a little irritated, right?! But I got over it and tried to keep having a good time. Another side note, our friend S asked me about sushi on Sunday night. Apparently my boyfriend made plans with them to go to sushi Sunday night and he never mentioned it to me. She invited me, but my own boyfriend never said anything to me about it… After we left the wine tasting event, we all went to get some food and then went back to our friends house. By the time we got there is was around 5 pm (still early for a Saturday night!). My friend poured me a glass of wine and we were hanged by out.. And immediately he wanted to leave.. Eventually our friends talked him into staying and he went to lay down in their room for a while, but eventually he came out to socialize and we were playing drinking games and joking around.. And I thought we were fine until we left around 9 pm… On the ride back to his house, he was quiet. When we got inside, I started hating ready for bed and when I come out of the bathroom, he is walking out of the bedroom to the living room with a pillow and blanket. So I asked him, “where are you going?” In a confused tone. He said “I can’t sleep.” So I figured he was just going to watch tv or get on his computer, but 5 minutes later I go into the living room and he is in the dark, laying on the couch (obviously going to sleep on the couch). So I ask him again “you ok?” And he says “I can’t sleep in there,” so I asked “do you want me to go?” He didn’t respond. So I say, “hello??” And he said “what?” And so I asked again, “do you want me to leave?” Annunciating each word. And he didn’t respond again! So I’m pissed at this point, so I go pack up my stuff (loudly- he could obviously hear what I was doing), and I bring my bags to the living room. I walked over to him, kissed his forehead and tell him to go sleep in his bed. And I left! I’m not going to stay and sleep in a separate room. If he feels like he can’t sleep in the same room with me, that’s fine but I’ll go to my OWN house and sleep in MY bed…

So that was Saturday night. Now obviously Sunday was Valentine’s Day. He had to work 7 am to 3 pm. And I figured he would be mad I left, but he would still be the boyfriend I thought I knew, and at least text me “happy Valentine’s Day”. By 10 am, nothing. Noon, nothing. Finally at 3 pm I get a text: “off work. Gunna nap.” That’s it. So I responded back “took a nap too. Hope you had a good day at work.” And then nothing else. My friend S texted me a it sushi, and I told her I didn’t think I was going to go. And while I was texting her, my boyfriend texts her that he isn’t going to make it. Not me. Her! 30 mins later he finally says “S asked about sushi. Told her I’m not going to go.” So I responded, “oh.. Is something up?” 

And that’s literally the last thing I have heard from him. Nothing else on Valentine’s Day. Just those 2, short, curt and very rude texts. And it’s been 2 days since then, and I haven’t heard a work from him. Nothing.

So I’m assuming that means you don’t want to be with me anymore but your too much of a coward to say it outright? We are adults. You need to act like it. I’ll be fine, I’m a big girl, and honestly I’ve been through worse. But it’s just confusing because things had been good and nothing big really happened! I have no answers.. But honestly, I don’t like this behavior and how he acted this weekend really hurt me. I don’t think things could be fixed or go back to how they were at the beginning anyway… I’ll be fine. 

My question now is do I just cut ties and assume it’s over? Do I wait to see if he reaches out? Do I reach out and end it first? Ugh idk.. 

Talk soon-

Xoxo Aly.

Lonely

Being lonely is awful. As human beings, we were created to have companions. All of us crave companionship. And when we go through times of being “alone” it can really get to us.

For the most part, I’ve enjoyed my time being single these last few years. Yes, I do want a relationship (when the right one for me comes along). Yes, I do want to settle down and have a family (very badly, but I would rather keep waiting than settle). But every once in a while, the loneliness creeps in and gets to me.

It sucks. And, for me at least, it’s times like these that make it hard to stay strong. I crave attention and companionship. We all do! And day after day, having no one special to text with, or hug, or kiss, or love… It sucks! And I find myself thinking of past interests.. 

“Oh he was really into me- maybe I didn’t give him a honest chance before..” Or “oh, he was really fun to hang out with- I bet he would be interested if I texted him…” 

Is it just me who does this? It’s hard for me to tell if I’m really genuinely wanting to give a guy another shot at dating, or if it’s just loneliness pushing me to think back to the last time someone showed me any attention…

Like Mat. I’ve really been praying and trying to figure out if I really want to give things another shot with him or if I’m just feeling lonely. He was a great, genuinely good guy. On paper, he met a lot of my major wants in a partner. But before I never felt physical/sexual attraction to him. I know I wasn’t fully open towards him last year when we casually dated, and part of me was still very shattered over K’s engagement… Would things be different if we tried dating again? Assuming he would even want to, that is. I’m sure he would be guarded since I kind of just broke things off out of the blue, to him at least.

Being lonely is awful. It makes me feel so down, about myself and life in general. I wish I had someone here with me to be affectionate with. To cuddle, and talk to, and kiss…

It will be soooo nice once I finally get those things.. One day.. Lol

Xoxo Aly

Halloween Night

Today marks one year since I found out K was engaged. Seems like a lifetime ago… And yesterday marked 5 months since they got married..

It’s been such a tough week. I’ve really been struggling. I need to let go of all this. I want to be over him. I don’t want to keep living my life this way. I don’t know what else I can do though.. 

6 years, 1 month since he and I broke up. 3 years, 1 month since I realized I still loved him and the regrets set in. 1 year since I found out they were engaged. 5 months since they got married. This is what my life has come to… Fixating and counting on all these days..

When does it stop? When do i get to move on? Why can’t I forget? When do I get to find someone and be happy too?

Everyone likes to say “Time heals all wounds” but does it really?? When?! I’ve yet to experience it, even though I pray for it every day. For a long time I didn’t want to be over him… But I do now, and I have wanted to for a long time too… 

I don’t understand why I still am so hurt and upset and regretful.. It’s been sooooo long. He’s a stranger to me, now. He’s a distant memory from my past, or at least he should be. I don’t know him anymore. I haven’t seen him in years… 

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of this hurt inside of me. It’s like a huge hole right through the center of me, that won’t heal. 

I want to forget him. Or at least not care anymore. Why can’t he be like any of my other exes in my mind? I don’t think about them, or care about what they’re doing. I never even cried after breaking up with J…. 

But here I am, laying in bed on Halloween night, feeling like a crazy person, crying over a man I loved 6 years ago. Doesn’t help that I am feeling really insecure about my body today. I feel fat and unattractive.. Ugh.. Something needs to change..

Happy fucking Halloween. 

Xoxo Aly.

A darkness

There is a darkness in me. It pulses deep down in a dark corner somewhere inside of me. It’s there. I first glimpsed it when I was 15 or so. My first real dark moment in my life… Life leaves it’s marks in all of us. I still struggle daily with fighting off the despair and grief that so easily can rise to the surface. At any moment, I could break out in tears, if I give in to it. Right now. 

It’s sadistically comical how I used to have to hide my emotions and true feelings from people like my ex J- I constantly had to act like I didn’t care about K still, so much so that I literally disconnected with everything in my life and my emotions to the point of feeling like I had woken out of a coma when I finally broke up with him. I had to deny to him and myself what I really felt, for over 3 years.

And now I feel like I’m having to do the same. I literally coach myself on a daily basis to either not think about K (as soon as my mind goes to him, I make myself put it out of my mind and reject any thoughts of him), or I train my brain to consciously think of him while focusing my emotions on feeling indifferent or numb or uncaring. Is this awful to say? 

It’s been 6 years and I can still burst into tears on a dime over him. This pain, this darkness, will always be with me. I know in my heart, this is not ever going to go away. I will always have my regrets when it comes to him. I’m just now trying to learn or reach myself how to live with it. How to function. How to not be consumed by my grief and regret and sadness.

I pray that I could forget him and everything about him. I wish I could forget everything about him, our relationship, everything. I wish I could take all memory of him out of me. 

I’m tired of this. No one likes being in pain, but it’s been so many years of this! I’m tired of hurting and crying and regretting and thinking of him. The hurt is not going away, it’s not getting better.

I honestly just wish I could erase him from my memory… 

Dreams

I had such a vivid dream about Kiegon last night. We were talking and I was saying all the things that are still on my heart and mind about him. For a while it was just me and him, taking. Then my family members were in the ba ground, walking around. My nieces, who I always wished he could have met. And then his now wife… She was in this dream.

Ugh. Will this ever go away? I’m tearing up just from typing that word. She kept approaching me and telling me to get over him and why can’t I let go of him and that kind of thing. 

Obviously, even my subconscious gets it! My head knows it, my dreams understand, but my heart won’t let go.

Why can’t I just forget him, and her, and their happy freaking life together? I thought I was done having dreams about him.. It just makes it so much harder when I dream of him. Brings everything back up and makes it that much harder…

It’s been on my mind all day at work. And no one else in my life understands what I continue to go through. They all don’t get it- why I can’t let go, or what I still struggle with.

There is nothing anyone can tell me that I haven’t already thought of myself. If I can’t be with him, I really just wish I could forget him. Forget we ever happened. That would be easier than struggling every day knowing the love of my life married someone else.

Stay

“Stay” Florida-Georgia Line

“I’d sell my soul just to see your face. 

And I’d break my bones just to heal your pain.

In these times I need a saving grace, but time is running out and I’m starting to lose my faith.

But if I told you I loved you, would it make you want to stay?

I’m sorry for the way I hurt you and making you walk away.

(I should have took the time to tell you)

And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you every day, would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home and stay?

(I can’t go another day without you)

Would it make you, make you, wanna stay?

(Girl you gotta know I love you)

My heart’s on my sleeve, but it’s turning black.

(I guess I know what it feels like it to be alone)

Without your touch I’m not gonna last.

(I know you know that I need ya just to carry on)

It feels like my walls are caving in.

(You’d always hold me before I left you hanging on)

And I’ll do anything to have you here again.

But if I told you I loved you, would it make you want to stay?

I’m sorry for the way I hurt you and making you walk away.

(I should have took the time to tell you)

And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you every day, would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home and stay?

(I can’t go another day without you)

Yeah, the days are cold, the nights are long. 

And I can’t stand to be alone.

Please know this is not your fault.

And all I want…
Is to tell you I love you and make you wanna stay.
There’s gotta be a way, ’cause going on without you is killing me everyday.

And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you every day, would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home and stay?
(I can’t go another day without you)

Would it make you, make you, wanna stay?

(Girl you gotta know I love you)

Would it make you, make you, wanna stay?

(I can’t go another day without you)

Would it make you, make you, wanna stay?”

I love the lyrics to this song… And country music, specifically, I can relate to so many song lyrics. This somg’s been in my head the past few days, and so has K…. 

This time of year is especially hard- this is the time of year we broke up, and the holidays are coming… Another year of being single for the holidays- oh joy! 

Hope everyone has a wonderful week!

Xoxo Aly.

Sleepless Nights for a Restless Mind

It’s been two and a half weeks now, since my learning that K is married. It took a few days to set in, or maybe it was just all the crying-myself-to-sleep business, but I have found myself struggling with insomnia…

Like a long lost friend, it’s back and in full force. Restless mind, restless body.  Tossing, turning, flipping over. No matter if I’ve had a busy day or a mellow one, each night I find myself wide awake in my bed, trying to sleep because the world doesn’t stop or wait for my little old problem to pass.

I haven’t cried myself to sleep in a while… Maybe that would help… The sleeping anyway…

Emotionally, I’m completely closed off. As awful as it may sound, (and please don’t read this as me being dramatic over here), my soul feels dead. Black, voidless, empty. Closed off and sealed away maybe. But to me, it feels like my soul has died. Well, a part of it maybe… Not the whole thing, but a big chunk… 

I still have faith that God has a plan and a future for me. It’s hard to imagine anyone else being more perfect for me. And it’s even harder to think that one day I won’t still hurt over K. I really can’t imagine not living with this pain and heartache. But I wish it could happen already…

I HATE that he’s married. I hate thinking about it. Any time it crosses my mind, I feel this hole in my stomach. And I can’t stand thinking about her at all. Picturing them or their wedding or their new house together or her living with my dog I bought K. That should have been me, not her. 

Ugh.. Will I ever get past it? Will I ever forgive myself? What must it be like to have no regret weighing on me all the time?? 

Enough random ramblings for the night? Maybe writing this all out will help me finally get some sleep tonight…

I doubt it…

Xoxo Aly

Fears

It’s been more than six and a half years since K and I broke up. ((Gosh, has it really been so long?!))

More than 3 and a half years since I was able to realize my mistake and started living with this daily regret.

Two weeks since W Day. 

I’ve cried it out. Drank it away. Prayed and wished to forget him, to not remember him at all because, as awful as it is, I would rather not remember him anymore than keep living with this hurt. Especially now that he is officially married.

God… He’s married…

I’ve been living with this regret so long, I don’t remember what it’s like to live without it.

I’ve tried moving on, dating guys, ignoring/not thinking about it or him. 

I know God has someone for me, even if it’s not K like I had hoped. And I know one day I’ll have a family, babies and a husband… As always, my fears are that I will never get over K.

That one day my future husband will come to know or resent the fact that I wished he was some other man. Or that my future kids will find out I wanted someone else more than their own father. That I wished they were my kids with another man…

You see, I can’t imagine not caring or getting over K. I can’t imagine getting to that point where I won’t regret it or think about it anymore… It’s an unwanted second-nature to me. He’ll always be there. In the back of my mind, tucked away in a deep corner of my heart…

And I fear the consequences that will lead to in my future.

Do I sound completely crazy yet? Am I making and sense at all??

Well, I’ve been crying while writing this entire post, so I’m going to go straighten myself out and put on my mask of being OK.

Xoxo aly