Her.

I hate her. Yes, hate. A woman I’ve never met and probably never will. 

I hate that she is yours, and you are hers. I hate that I was too late and you had already moved on. I hate that I was too late, more than I actually hate her.

I feel like a moth, drawn to the flame that is you. And I hate it; I don’t want to be consumed by thoughts of you anymore. But like that moth, I can’t help it. It hurts. Thoughts of you. Thoughts of her. Thoughts of your marriage. That is my flame, my fire. Blinding me, consuming me. I can’t get away from it. 

I can’t think of you without thinking of her. Your wife, now. It makes me sick. I hate it. 

Maybe it’s just jealousy. She gets you, for the rest of your lives. Maybe it’s just that you found love again, after me, while I feel as if I am not capable of loving again. My mind can’t even fathom in my wildest dreams that I will find someone as good as you, let alone someone better. 

I honestly don’t feel like I can love anymore, no matter how much I desperately want to. It’s not logical, I know, but it’s how I honestly feel.

She better not take you for granted, ever. She better know how lucky she is. 

Xo A

Therapy

It’s been too long since I’ve written. This right here, this is my therapy. This is where I can come to speak my mind and heart. Even if no one is listening, even if it’s just for myself, to get these things going on inside of me out into the universe, that’s perfectly fine by me.

I stopped writing on here after I found out K did get married. Ugh- it still stings to even write it out. And just like every other thing in life I don’t want to face or deal with, I ran away from blogging so that I wouldn’t have to. Funny how one little personality trait can manifest in so many aspects. Really though- I hate “talks” in relationships, I avoid conflict with anyone like it’s the plague, if someone asks me out and I don’t want to hurt their feelings by saying “No” I just don’t respond… And I stopped writing to avoid dealing with talking about how finding out he was married crushed me. It doesn’t change the facts. I knew it would come… I guess I just wasn’t ready to open my heart and mind for a while, while I digested it. I haven’t been ready to face this hurting, but I think I need to now.

For about 3 months, I didn’t do so well. It wasn’t quite as dark as when I found out he had gotten engaged. At least the engagement itself was a clue that marriage was coming. But what could I do? Nothing. There was nothing I could have done, so I started to accept it and let go. I guess I shouldn’t use past tense, huh? I have been doing better. I am doing better. But I am human, and these feelings will never leave me. This scar will always be there, He will always be a sore spot for me, his name and memory will always be a tender area in my heart.

And today was tough. It was a really, really hard day. Work was rough- I don’t think I really like my new job very much. The people are nice enough, but just the feel of the offices I just don’t like.. I’m really feeling lonely today as well. I’m crying as I type- it’s been a few weeks since I’ve cried over K, I think. Everything is a lesson, I know I know… I’ll “do better next time”.. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This hurt has not gotten any better or easier. I think I’m just learned to cope and deal with it better. This hole in my heart still hurts as bad as it did 3 years ago when I first began realizing my regrets about letting go of K. It feels like a hole going right through the middle of me, ripping me apart from the inside out.

These days are further and further between now. So I guess that’s progress. Gosh- I was doing so good this weekend. Really, the last two weeks have been excellent. Why did today have to go this way? There were no triggers, that I can think of. Nothing different than any other day. I kind of think of it as a bubble that’s deep down, and every once in a while, that bubble is going to rise to the surface. As long as something is there, it’s always going to continue to bubble up. Like magma and a volcano…

Tomorrow will be better. I’ll be better. I’ll fall asleep fast from all this crying, and I won’t dream of him, and tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow, these tears and this pain tonight will seem like the dream…

xoxo Aly

Sleepless Nights for a Restless Mind

It’s been two and a half weeks now, since my learning that K is married. It took a few days to set in, or maybe it was just all the crying-myself-to-sleep business, but I have found myself struggling with insomnia…

Like a long lost friend, it’s back and in full force. Restless mind, restless body.  Tossing, turning, flipping over. No matter if I’ve had a busy day or a mellow one, each night I find myself wide awake in my bed, trying to sleep because the world doesn’t stop or wait for my little old problem to pass.

I haven’t cried myself to sleep in a while… Maybe that would help… The sleeping anyway…

Emotionally, I’m completely closed off. As awful as it may sound, (and please don’t read this as me being dramatic over here), my soul feels dead. Black, voidless, empty. Closed off and sealed away maybe. But to me, it feels like my soul has died. Well, a part of it maybe… Not the whole thing, but a big chunk… 

I still have faith that God has a plan and a future for me. It’s hard to imagine anyone else being more perfect for me. And it’s even harder to think that one day I won’t still hurt over K. I really can’t imagine not living with this pain and heartache. But I wish it could happen already…

I HATE that he’s married. I hate thinking about it. Any time it crosses my mind, I feel this hole in my stomach. And I can’t stand thinking about her at all. Picturing them or their wedding or their new house together or her living with my dog I bought K. That should have been me, not her. 

Ugh.. Will I ever get past it? Will I ever forgive myself? What must it be like to have no regret weighing on me all the time?? 

Enough random ramblings for the night? Maybe writing this all out will help me finally get some sleep tonight…

I doubt it…

Xoxo Aly

To the Ends of the Earth

I run- searching, (for what I do not know)- but I am running.

Escaping this prison of memories.

In every direction, I am reminded.

I am trapped, by my own mind, if nothing else.

How many can truly say they know the exact moment they went wrong? The one moment that, had it been different, would change the course of their lives?

Even still, I see so clearly the life I could have had. As if looking through another dimension to see what my life could be in a parallel world.

I’m not glorifying the past. That’s not what all this is. It’s about who he was, and what we had together. That’s what’s hard for me to get over, I guess. There hasn’t been anyone else I’ve met like him.

I am haunted by memories and regrets. I wish I wasn’t. I try not to be. I sit, like a child with their hands over their ears and saying ‘I’m not listening!’ but my own version goes more like ‘don’t go there. don’t think about it. think of something else. don’t let your mind go there.’

Ignoring it doesn’t really help anything. And I doubt running away from it will either, but I’m going to see… Long story about how it came about, but I’m heading to Costa Rica for a week in the middle of April. Like 2 weeks away from now. I’m a little nervous to fly alone, but I am staying with a family member who is renting a house down in a nice area of Costa Rica, so once I’m there, I know I’ll be good.

I need to get away. I need to be distracted. I need to stop this hurt I am feeling. Even if it only lasts for a week…

Hope everyone has a nice weekend!

xoxo Aly.

Night

During the day, with the sun shining, things to do, places to go, it’s easy to be distracted.

When the sun is out, shining and making everything seem bright and cheery, it’s easy to forget.

You have no time in your busy day to sit and dwell.

Or maybe it’s just a welcome excuse not to think about the night and all it brings.

At night, when everything is dark and still, it’s hard to be distracted.

My anxiety peaks. I’m restless. Sad. Lonely.

Alone.

There is no hiding from the darkness in the dark.

Sometimes I feel like the darkness overwhelms the progress I make during the day.

Not to worry, my spirits and mood rises with the sun each morning. And my faith never waivers, no matter what.

But with the night, it’s harder to fight the anxiety. It’s one of the few constants I can think of in my life.

The companion, unwanted, but diligent in its appearance.

Just a few thoughts for the night…..

Xoxo Aly

In Another Life

Happy birthday,
My dear.
I’ve waited a year,
For the one day I have an excuse to talk to you.
Another year older.
Another year passed without you next to me.

How different things could have been-
You and I,
But instead,
I lay in my cold bed,
Alone,
While you smile and laugh with Her.
It could have been us,
Warm together,
Holding hands,
Stealing kisses,
Loving every moment.

I would have made you a cake,
And coffee,
Black,
Just the way you like it.
And I would drink some too,
Because I like it now.
Maybe I would even take a shot of Whiskey,
With you,
Because that’s what you like.

Maybe,
In another life.

Rain

It’s pouring.
All around-
I hear it,
I see it,
I feel it in my soul.

Thunk-thunk-thunk.
Against the windows,
Against the roof,
Against my walls.

It has been going on for a while now.
I can’t remember when it started.
I didn’t notice when,
But I know it now.

Unless you’re really paying attention,
When it first starts,
Unless you’re on the lookout for it,
You don’t notice it.

But eventually you realize it.
The cold seeps in,
The rhythm becomes your lullaby,
The falling droplets hypnotize you.

The rain is all I know now.
Eventually it always stops,
I know that.

But as for now,
It consumes me.

And I find solace in its dreary nature.

Sneak Peak anyone?

hmm.. So I’ve only written a few short scenes so far… Anyone interested in reading a bit?? This “scene” is not based on my personal life, like some parts will be, and i imagine this will happen later on in the story line…

Well… I guess here goes nothing? Keep in mind this is all still VERY rough. I’ve reread and rewritten parts it several times already…

From the moment I saw him I was drawn to him. My heart races, some unknown drug coursing through my veins, like an electric current, alien to my body. Like a moth to flame, the dark, emptiness of my heart gravitated to all that he was, all that he could offer. A different world, just what my soul needed; an escape from the crushing reality that was my life. How I could possibly know all this about him from across the room, I don’t understand. Only that his piercing blue/green eyes call to the deepest, most carnal part of my soul, a part that I didn’t believe still existed until moments ago.
Lost in a world of my own, a sudden shove from behind shatters my reverie, “Find a different place to stand, Bitch.” My eyes tear away as I stumble out of the way, murmuring a quiet form of apology. I feel a deep blush rise over my cheeks as I glimpse the vixen behind the voice. The woman is tall, blonde and gorgeous in a way that I could never be. From her perfectly curled and pinned up hair, to her six inch black stilettos, every inch of her projected a confidence and sexuality I could only dream of. The black and red corset hugs her body in the most delicious way, accentuating her small waist and ample curves. Her skin tight black pants appeared to be painted on, showing off her long legs, ending right about heels that I would rather go barefoot than chance taking two steps.
I let out a long breath as the woman walks away, without another glance for me, in the dim light of the club towards the bar. Standing near the entrance of the room, what else could I expect? Unwillingly, my eyes draw back to the man in the black suit. I expect to find his attention back on the group of people at his booth, but instead he seemed to have been watching the entire time. He is leaning forward now, elbow resting on his left leg; his forefinger gently moves back and forth across his lower lip, thumb resting on his chin. His gaze lingers for a moment more before returning to the small group of people surrounding him.

So that’s it for now… Any thoughts? I’m curious and excited to get some feed back!

xoxo Aly.